IT'S DINNER TIME

Made some ravoli.  It was some frozen stuff, and I added some onions, green pepper, and 1lb of ground beef, lightly seasoned.  Didn't want lil' Mook to get all picky on me, not the first night.  Rumor has it that Mookie is going to send for her to go out to Vegas.  I wouldn't mind, and it would be good for her, good for them both, actually.  With her job ending, and her sister needing the company ... I mean, they did it before, why couldn't they do it again?

Did I mention that Mookie thinks I wouldn't like Vegas, as if she does roll that possibility around in her mind?  Did I also mention it came AFTER the 3rd of March, when we talked about dissolving our relationship?

STYLES MAKES FIGHTS

Mookie is still a good, quality woman.  What I don't get about her, is why would she want me?  The reason I ask this, is because I don't seem to fit her model for a partner.  I can't understand why she would endure a relationship that is, for all purposes, terminal?

That isn't to say that I am surprised.  From what I got about her last break up, she says she came home, and the cat was gone, like that.  They were unhappy, moping around the house, but no one was saying anything ... what the heck is up with that?!?  I don't even see the point of pretending if you aren't going to work on things improving.

Didn't get more details.  But she has said on more than one occasion that she has gotten herself in 'the same thing'.  I would call her out on that, as it is something that I keep in mind.  My thing is, if she finds herself in the 'same thing', then why doesn't she do anything different?  Why doesn't she put either more effort, or take inventory and make her peace and get out of things?

Though I have my 'Jill Scott' muse appear when I am feeling a person, that doesn't mean that they are all alike.  In fact, the sister girls that I have dated, have been wide and ranging, from 'ghetto fab' to 'dooney & burke bourgeoisies'.  And I manage to screw them up, all in different and exotic manners!

So I am lost at how she can say that she sees in me the same crap she saw in the previous camper?  That really, really bother me.

Honestly, I can't really 'compare' anyone, as there were differences, differences that were unique to that relationship.  What I do know is, when I am measuring you against my first wife, that ISN'T a good sign.

... ooh ... my BAD!

Okay, she still looks cool, won't front.  But remember, beauty is in the eye, so you may not see what I see in her.  When I met her, I figured that since she was older than I was, that she'd have enough maturity to help me overcome what I lacked.  Didn't happen.

We had totally divergent approaches to relationships and to our marriage.  She was still as immature as I was, perhaps even moreso.  We couldn't seem to agree on much of anything, and even when I would just sign and hand over my check, and let her give me an 'allowance', that wasn't enough.

He Ma and Pa used to fight.  I think her and her Mom used to fight.  I tried that ONCE with my Mom, and I am lucky to be here to type this stuff!  So I didn't understand how she dealt with disagreements and how she respected the authority that all human beings have, in just being, you know?

Don't know when or how she came to discover that I wasn't goint to hit her back, but when she did, she had not a problem threatening, or hitting on me.  Her father tried to calm her down, as he was tired of me calling him for help! (j/k ... he was cool, but I did call on him a time or two!)

Thing is, I thought that she cared, that she was emotionally invested in the relationship ... the same way other victims of domestic violence mistake the beatings as a sign of emotinal attachment.  Ever since, when I find myself say, 'Well, at least she showed me I cared, and that I mattered', referencing my first wife, I have used that as a sign that I have reached a nadir in the relationship, and it is time to go.

I have found myself saying that lately.  Well, not 'lately', but it has popped into my mind over the past 8 months or so.  That is why I am not 'married' (get it?) to the idea of being all noble about this.  Lil' Mook is trying to get out to Vegas ... that means I could cut and run, if that happens. 

After all, it wouldn't be something Mookie is unfamiliar with.  She said she has 'done the same thing again', right?  I worry about my vibe and my own dark night of internal dialogue.  I don't want to be facing a coward when that happens.

Still, it feels good in a way, to think about it like that ...