Thursday, April 3, 2008

...I say again ... this ISN'T for the faint of heart ...

... and to be honest, I was feeling good ...

This week, I have been actually a little 'loose'.  Had some thoughts carry over from Monday to get me to think more about where I would like to be, eventually, for Tuesday.  Today, got my taxes done, which is a big thing for me.  Then I came back to the house.


... after I sent KT back to Carolina, my only brother had a stroke.  He was 34.

Mookie was 'there', but only in literal form.  She wasn't there for me.  I don't know if she knows 'how' or what.  Tonight's she is packed and ready to go to Las Vegas, where her best sister lives.  They have found three clots, one in her leg and TWO in her lungs...

...this is serious and close to me.  I talked with her about my experience, tried to calm her nerves, and let her know that things were going to be fine, especially with what we know about her sister.  I told her not to stress that her life needs to change; she already knows that.  Just be there and don't let her try to get up and run the streets.  I know she should know, but still, make sure that you don't let her ...

... went in and talked with lil' Mook.  That IS her best Aunt as well as Mookie's best sister.  The concern on her face hurt me.  I gave her a little shoulder hug, and told her it would be alright.  I asked her if she was worried, and the poor thing doesn't know ... how can she?  She is only 14!  I let her know that her Aunt will be fine, and that she knows that I wouldn't be 'just saying' that, if I thought differently, I would sit her down and give her the long, drawn out, detail version of what is happening!

We will be here for at least a week to ourselves, as they are out for a spring break here in Michigan.  So it is just going to be us here, fending for ourselves.  We will manage.  Her Mom will too, and her Aunt will be just fine.

This episode changes nothing for me.  That I may have to wait on my taxes, is the only thing that would.  That I don't have enough money to get out is the only thing that would.  I don't want to be here, I don't want to be involved with Mookie and her mundane spinnings.  She has acted like she doesn't care for over two years, this is well into the third.

There will be no complete third year of this crap.  And there is NO AIR in that, big boy, absolutely none at all.

See, that she can confidently leave her only child in my care, speaks volumes of what she may think of me.  But I wonder how much she values it, as she has not acknowledged my contribution to her life, to her child, to her life.  Right now, I could care less.  This is disturbing MY GROOVE, my plans, my hopes.

When I read over my entries for this week,  especially Tuesday's, I felt something was missing.  What was missing was that I felt good.  The finish to the Rocky story was again to address how firm my grip on reality is.  Because just as Rock resented Mick for coming around now that he was getting the chance to get beat up by the Champ, when Mick leaves, Rock goes after him ...

See, Rocky knows he cheated himself out of being a better fighter.  He also knows that if anyone could get him ready for his one in a lifetime shot, it is Mickey.  And though it is a VERY LONG SHOT, he knows if he wants the best chance, it is with Mickey.  So he goes and get him.

Because that is why it is said, and optimist is a pessimist with experience.  I have known what I have done wrong, and I am willing to keep trying to get it right, to get the promise that is still there for me.

It isn't here.  Me and Nixxie decided in FEBRUARY that KT wouldn't be coming for the summer.  There is no motivation at all for me to stay.  Worse case scenario, something or else occur in Vegas, I am STILL OUT ... because, yes I have been there, TWICE in my life of feeling alone at such a time.  My heart will ache, but this isn't about the heart, at least not alone it isn't.

With a man she can't show affections or treat like he matters, she will leave her only child, KNOWING that she will be cared for the way that a parent cares for a child.  She KNOWS she can do this, not because of anything she has done, but because she knows that much about me, that I would not let her or the baby down, and that I will do whatever it took to make sure lil' Mook is squared away.  'Why Mark?', you ask?  Here is why: I will guard everything within the limits of my post and quit my post only when properly relieved.  That is the first General Order I learned in the service.  I am still on duty, still on the clock.  So until I am 'relieved', I will do my job here.


Getting my taxes done means I can look forward to being out of here.  Don't know if I will get the stimulus money, because I do owe some back taxes, but hey, I can dream, can't I?  I just wanted to get that done, so I won't have that looming over me when I get home.

Well, that is it for tonight.  Or this morning.  Whatever.



robinngabster said...

How old is little Mook?

lv2trnscrb said...

that speaks volumes of you as a person, Mark, that Mookie would feel safe and secure enough to leave "lil" Mook with you. Do hope it all works out well for her sister

glad you got your taxes done; I would think you should get the stimulus money because I thought that was for people who filed this year; seems like they would want more money pumped back into the economy


malagutigrrl said...

OMG!!!  TAXES!!!  Every year I say I'm gonna do 'em as soon as I get my W2s and every year it's April before I even THINK about doing them...
But thank you for the reminder.  You sound so upbeat about having them done that it's a wonderful encouragement for me.  

You're a pretty terrific guy, you know that?  I don't have kids and have never met you, but if I did have kids (still without having met you) I'd trust you with 'em in a heart beat.  There is someone amazing waiting for you out there.  I just know it!

rdautumnsage said...

I agree with the other's sentiments, never having met you, I would trust you with my daughter. Coming from me...that is huge. She's my life.

Mookie is going to realize what she will be missing all too late. (Hugs) Indigo