Sunday, April 13, 2008

... this is a long drive ...


Mookie IS coming home tomorrow.  Mix of emotions, as I am happy for lil' Mook, but my stomach tightens at the thought ... now back to our regularly scheduled program ..!


Or otherwise account for the way society treats you?  Many of us feel so alienated from each other, and this is as technology makes it easier for us to connect to each other.  I try very hard to make as much as a connection to people out here as possible, because I don't know what is going on, maybe THIS is the extent of their contact with people and that they truly 'live' out here.  Coming up the way that I did, feeling as though I was destined to walk the shoes of Wright's Cross Damon (would have preferred Orwell's 'Winston' ... 'Cross' is all too accurate), I have never quite surrendered to that fate, to be 'The Outsider'.

I do understand that in order for me to live in the larger society, I would have to 'figure it out'.  I have always seeing between things, I have never heard the same news everyone else hears, or watch the same telvision shows everyone else is watching, even if it was on the same channel.  I call my compensation process, 'Knowing Your Barbarians',  taken from a 'Far Side' panel.  It had four head shots, three of them classic 'barbarians, like Attila the Hun, and then there was a shot of a kid named 'Mitch'.

I got it right away.  That is just how the process got its name.  I don't know how long I have been doing it.  When I first started to grow as an amateur boxer, I remember cats sorta snickering about me in the locker room.  I didn't have to worry, cause when it was time to spar, it would be a different story!  Ooh, that is a digression ... back on point, I just knew which cats in my school and neighborhood were the ones who WERE going to chase me, and the ones who wanted to talk about it.  Who wanted to impress a girl by knocking my books out of my hand and who was a step slow, so that I could say something smarty-pants and run across the footbridge to relative saftey!

Turning a negative into a postive is another thing that I do, which is why I am so fond of Dr. Phil, especially his, '... and how's THAT workin' for you' line.  Many people give lip service to wanting to be different and doing different.  But it takes a little bit more than that to actually make a change.  One of the main reasons that I fight so hard to be positive, is that the alternative is simply to let life wash over you.  I don't want to live a life without dreams to shoot for, without goals to be set and achieved.  Sometimes, I come down here, thinking that I am going to whine, and by the time I am finished, I am back to, or resonably close to square.


I'm a good guy for a gal

So won't you look my palm over

I got time for a chat

So won't you tell me my future

I get two loves in my life ...

One of the reasons I mention that I have been 'that guy' as well as a good guy, is that I think part of the obligation that goes into 'asking of life', is that you admit and own the things you have done contrary to what you are asking for, or trying to establish in your life.  Not only am I sincere, but I am telling the world that I know what I have done, and I don't want absolution (it is THAT, not forgive and forget that is the hard thing to grant a person ... if you need an explination, an abridged dictionary should do the trick!), and to 'want' you have to be prepared to 'earn'.

In leaving a comment in another journal, I mentioned how I though that money changed the people around me more than it changed me when I was boxing ... but now, I see that is not true.  What really happened, is I looked up from the road and I LOST my way.  There are cats who had a much, much rougher go to get to where they are than I had.  There are several who I think I was more skilled than, and a coupla -three that I KNOW I could beat. 

But they are there, and I am here.  I looked up, and looked around at how high I had climbed.  The thinner air made me dizzy and I was lost.  I can only blame myself, for letting my historical issues pull me down as I tried to climb.  Still, there is more to my life, and for me, to find someone to share it with is a priority.  Don't know why I am cut that way, but that is how it is.





To keep things in perspective, and to make things light on me, I am going to utulize the word, 'blessed'.  I do feel that way, which is another reason I have to stay positive ... because something, SOMEONE, is really, really looking out for me.  I guess I will start to segue from my attactment to Mookie (which is what has happened this past week ... if it makes sense, I missed her more when she was here than I have since she's been gone), and I am really looking forward to seeing what is ahead of me.

I guess I will have to invest in a laptop computer ... can't really figure out why I am not fond of them ... but since EVERYONE says that is the way to go, perhaps I will get one ... we will see.  Anxious about getting down to the city, being able to see my daughter ... it is going to be fun, making her put up with me!  She really doesn't have a choice until she is eighteen!  Her Mom, such a different story ... I have tried to wrap my mind around the thought of being more than a 'firm handshake friend' with her, but she was the biggest puncher I ever faced ... as I can still feel the blows.


Did I mention my BFF?  SD, and AKA will be around more as well as Hutch.  Cousins galore, and there is good times to be had with my Aunts.  There, I won't feel rushed or in anyone's way.  That is where I will really get deep into 'staging' for the next adventure in my life.  Not to mention Tee Jay, who I couldn't avoid running into, as she doesn't live far from my Pops!

I think everything is going to be just fine.

Now, because I can't imagine Mookie ever letting lil Mook keep me, I will make more than nominal effort to stay in her life.  I don't think that she loves me, and I never really wanted her too; I wanted her to respect me, and learn from the lessons I have imparted.  I think that she has taken to a few of them, and I would like to be around her as she goes to high school.  She is a pretty girl, and there is a Depeche Mode ('memba them?) that comes to mind ... ' A Question Of Time'.  *sigh* Yeah, can't be sure of how we will turn out ... Skye will be a handful as it is. 

Oh well ... finally getting drowsy ...


toonguykc said...

I think Dr. Phil has some positive nuggets of wisdom to share, but his overall right-wing asshole vibes drown them out for me.  Dr. Laura also is very wise, but her gay-bashing comments have muted anything helpful she might have to say.  Pick and choose I guess.


lv2trnscrb said...

it will be nice for you to be around family, Mark, as you start this new chapter in your life; a time to re-connect, re-group, continue plans etc in a familiar place with people who love you and you love them; I think its a wise move

knowing that you won't be around for too long might help you weather the homecoming of Mookie; I would imagine she will resume her normal routine within hours of being back home

I'm with you; I don't know if I would like a laptop; I tend to like a big keyboard and one I can move around, but we're thinking of getting one eventually


lisa41076 said...

Mark, you are in my thoughts, Hugs Lisa