... and a couple of Beck's old songs, 'Pay No Mind', and 'Whiskeyclone, Hotel City, 1997'!
Yesterday was a funny feeling day. Don't know why, precisely, but I have an idea ...
... it still isn't June.
I gave some thought to whether I am bitter or not ... and I guess I am. But I don't have a harbor for bitterness, so I expect that to evaporate once I get gone. That I don't ever want to see her, to me, isn't bitterness. It is good, sound policy. When my Mom advised me 'not to waste my first wife's good years', I took it also to mean that no one has the right to waste mine as well. I have given Mookie all that I had, period. So when I leave, that I don't have anything else for her shouldn't be a surprise. I care (no, I love) lil' Mook enough to not cause any friction should we keep a relationship between us, but there won't be anything left for her Mom.
I am on fumes as far as she goes now.
IN A BIG COUNTRY
That is the name of a band, I think the were Irish from the early eighties wave of new music. I don't know if they ever made another album or not, but the one that they did, 'In A Big Country', with the lead single of the same name (hmm, you would think they'd been a wee bit more creative than that).
Lately, I have found myself listening to a lot of my old mixtapes, though that might sound redundant, I know the difference. These are tapes that I made in a certain time in my life, and with a certain feeling in my mind. This song, like a lot of the songs on my 'Soundtrack Of My Life', are songs that I find tinged with hope and steeped in possibility.
I never took the smile away from anybody’s face
That’s a desperate way to look for someone who’s
-still a child
Now, someone was a little surprised at some of the bitterness in my 'first draft' letter to Mookie. See, I am a little bitter, because I have tried, in my clumsy way, to not 'take' from someone the ability to smile and to keep thinking that what is there is still there for them, just not with me.
There is something about Mookie that I can quite communicate, but I have seen it before and I know what it is. She is stealing from me, my 'good years', my love, and my thoughts. I won't ever get those moments back. She is the one that won't miss surprise lunches, trips to see a play, or going to a high school football game and sitting underneath a blanket on a crips fall night with her beau and daughter.
Somewhere, out there, I know there is someone who would. And that they trade having to listen to strange music or have someone who is as lost underneath the hood of a car as she is, they'd make the deal. I have too much upside for someone to let me slip too far down in the draft!! (sports metaphor! ask a guy what it means to 'slip in the draft' or better yet, google it!)
I’m not expecting to grow flowers in the desert … but I can live and breathe and see the sun in winter time
Whenever someone gets to know me, they see me as some wide-eyed dreamer, full of naivete and lacking in real world experience. It makes me laugh, because everyone wants something, and the formula is simple. But simple doesn't mean easy, and that is where I think people slide into believing the 'real world' is too hard to be hopeful.
Just like I was young and ignorant of the dangers of my hometown, running at ALL HOURS through EXTREMELY CHIPPY neighborhoods, I now concede that point. Doesn't mean I won't run, may even chase the sun up a few times. But I won't push it.
Same thing with this. Same with the NEXT person I fall in love with. I will come at them straight, give them the scoop as best I can, and go from there. No matter what challenges you face, there is STILL something there to hold on to ...
So take a look out of here, it doesn’t fit you
Because it’s happened doesn’t mean you’ve been discarded
Cry out for everything you ever might have wanted
I thought that pain and truth were things that really mattered
But you can’t stay here with ever single hope you had shattered
Pretty self-explanitory. No, the bitterness doesn't run deep ... in many ways, I am 'over' her already because I know what I am looking forward to. I still want what it is I want, and I am more ready after this to get it. Because the things that I thought weren't, is no reason to sit around and whine when I still have my hopes and dreams that need to be attended to.
I try to count my blessings. This could be far worse, and I could face greater challenges. So I take what I am given, and I just deal ... Fate deals the cards and we just play the hand ...
... and I am going to play the one that I have been given. Oh, another thing about this song/band name ... my hopes and expectations are as big as the country ..!
2 comments:
Mark, a pastor of mine did a sermon on bitterness one time and he said the physical affects of bitterness; depression, anxiety, can't remember some of the other ones but it did make an impact on me to evaluate my life and see exactly who I was bitter about and work on forgiving them since the one we are bitter towards usually has no clue the extent of our bitterness. I found once I turned them over to the Lord and stopped being bitter about them, amazing things happened; these were friends of my son's that was with him when he got in trouble with the law and I "blamed" them for my son's stupidity when I knew deep down they didn't force him to do what he did. Anyway, once I started praying about them and forgiving them, the Lord removed both of them from my son's life; I found that a lot in other people too of my son's that I was bitter towards. Anyway, its freeing not to be bitter although I still have my days
I, like you, have certain songs that mean more to me at certain times of my life; music is powerful like that, isn't it?
betty
To say you write alot is an understatement, but I'm going to do my best to catch up...Why? because your words mean something to me too. I remember wanting to seriously hurt my ex, not just emotionally but physically. I wanted to stomp on his hand and grind every single bone in said hand, just as he did mine at one time...
Then I moved on, like I always do. As you've said bitterness serves no purpose. If I stayed hung up on every hurt and loss, I would still be there; even if only in my mind. In the end it's not bitterness but resentment, for losing parts of yourself to someone who was never worthy. Then you learn the hardest lesson of all, to never allow anyone to think less of you, than you already think of yourself. You step up to the plate and fix yourself in mind to who you are and how you see yourself. (Hugs) Indigo
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