Tuesday, April 29, 2008

... cause I don't WANNA go to sleep ..!

... from the FOG ...

Later today, this afternoon, early evening, I plan to call my Dad, to see if indeed he is going to be able to make the trip this week.  Still haven't tipped my hand, at least I think I haven't.  The recent inspection that was held by the townhome whatever, has given me the excuse to keep 'straightening' thing, moving stuff, to make things 'neat'.  At least that is the excuse I am giving.

I like to believe that I know myself.  That, and I do think I am a keen observer of behavior.  Something is going on with Mookie, and the thing is, I am not going to go too deep into it.  What ever 'observation' I do of her, is only to make sure that I can get clear.

Should my Dad come Thursday or Friday, I will ask him to hang on until she gets home from school.  I would rather look her in the face and say goodbye.  Should he make it Saturday, cool, because then I could look MOOKIE in the face and say good bye ...

... now, should it break like that, it will be all I can do from verbally reaching into her chest and pulling out her heart.  But I won't, because that isn't what this is about.  Let her be, and I will be able to move on, and hopefully so will she.


I was Mookie's first boyfriend out of high school.  I was also her first 'partner', and she is the only person that I've 'de-flowered'.  She knows both sides of my family as well as my sibs, remembering them from their 'wee bonnie lass'  days.  My Mother liked her a lot.

So when we got back together, I was very happy, because I would like to think that my Mom was enjoying that I had found someone that she felt was going to be good for her son.  My step brother used to have a crush on her, and my step mom thought she was a sweet girl.  And even Hutch remembered her.

There is no other person who could have such a prescence in my life.  I thought that would be cool, to have someone who brought all those positive things to the table.  Talk about being vetted and stamped, Mookie has all of that! 

But adult Mookie isn't quite the Mookie I expected her to be.  Did I think she would be 'nose wide open' like she was once?  No, I couldn't have, especially not after I told her about my days away from her.  But she, in my words, 'accepted the challenge' and let me in her life.  I TOLD HER that I expected to marry her, and that I was only going to do this, if she had the same intention.

She may say something different, but even my B.F.F knew what was going on when I told her about Mookie.  That is another reason why I don't feel too strong of a pull on my heart.  I know I did what I said I was coming here to do.  PERIOD.  My B.F.F also told me that since she knew that I was committed to making this work, that I better get used to this, because she would never change ...

... I got the email in my pocket, and saved on AOL ... so I AM SURE of what I say here now. I wanted to try, because Mookie has always meant a lot to me, and I thought that I was showing it by giving her a chance to be with me, now that I wanted to be committed to one person, in the way that I should have been before.

Which is how I have stomached a lot of what has gone on.  Good and happy marriages go thru their spots, and some start off wobbly and end up just fine.  There are elements to make a good relationship, just not one formula.  As long as it adds up to 'happy', it is fine.

This ain't 'happy'. I am not 'fine'.  Hope everything is cool on my Dad's end of things ...


lv2trnscrb said...

wise, Mark, that you will wait until she's home from school and get to say goodbye to her

and it is a good thing you are going earlier than later because if it isn't right now, it isn't going to be right next month so time to get on with your life and maybe find that woman where things will be happy and fine for you :)


rdautumnsage said...

I hope your dad is able to make the trip. I'm relieved your leaving sooner than later. As far as I'm concerned there is no right time to end a relationship. The longer you and Mookie stay together the more strained and detrimental you will be toward one another. Having read you for a while now, I don't see you wanting to end things on that note no matter how bad they've been.

One rule of thumb I learned the hard way is this, if you broke up or left them at one time, you need to remember why. Most likely whatever it was hasn't changed nor will it. That golden rule has kept me from looking up some bad apples in my life. (Hugs) Indigo