Wednesday, April 30, 2008

... as I was saying ...

... to the young man ...

I told him how even though I was secular, that I do believe sincerely in the harmony of the spirit to the 'oneness' of the universe.  I don't ask 'why' as much as I may ask, 'aw, do I have to?', but I like to think if I had obey those whispering a little bit more, my life would be different ...

... but I will take what I got.  Because there aren't many that can say that they even got within hailing distance of their dreams.  The game STILL isn't over, and I can still expect to reach the things that I am supposed to have.

That was when I learned that he aspired to ministry.  I was a little shocked, not so much of what he said, but by what I was doing.  Like I say about choices I have made, decision of mine weren't based on anything that could be 'seen' as much as they could be 'felt'.

I told him that this was more than likely a good sign for the both of us.  Doesn't mean we are going to get to where we are going, but just maybe we are on the right path, for both of us, because faith is and internal, indvidual thing.

I shook his hand, perhaps for the last time.  There was a tear in my eye, looking around the employment center.  No, I don't know what exactly lies ahead for me, but I can see what is behind me ...


And it is, and it is.  In the song, '80 Windows' by Nada Surf, the singer sings that 'the moon is closer to the sun, than I am to anyone.'  That is what 'eternal goodbyes' make me feel like.  The people I see, that I have grown accustomed to seeing as I bip and bop around town, I more than likely will absoulutely never see again, nor have the inclination to want to see.

The young girl who was working with me, I told her thank you for her time and effort.  She was a HUGE improvement over my first case worker, and I had wanted to make sure her supervisor knew, instead of a simple phone call or email.  But she wasn't, and we just sat and talked.

We talked a little about the young man, and I told her that the one study that I made at her church seemed MEANT for me to hear.  Funny how those things work, isn't it?

I told her much like I told the young man, that I 'felt' her, and though she will take her degree and do her thing (this was just a 'job' to pick up after graduating Moo U) , that what ever it is she wants from her life, I can see it out there for her.

For the first time, I let from my lips to someone that Mookie didn't want me.  I opined that it seems that women, specifically sisters, have a hard time discovering what they want in a man ... and part of that is my fault, but hey, when you get up past your 30's, you should have a good idea of how you are going to behave and expect to be treated in a relationship ... and how that corresponds with each other.

I didn't bore her with any more.  Since the library is one the way back to the house, I decided to stop and put my thoughts down.  Another journalist is also making a big change in her life, and I feel her as well.  Some of the elements of her move are similiar to some of the experiences in my life, and I wonder what she is feeling ..?  Because of her, I have a better understand of what I was putting my Mother thru, getting on airplane to fight everywhere ... and what she HAD to have been feeling as I bounced from place to place, in 'leaves no footstep had trodden black.'

While the relationship wasn't a 'repeat', it still is ending.  New lessons, and new hurts.  I understand what makes some fearful about getting out there again.  With learning more about yourself, you are also increasing the depth of emotion you can hold, and the amount of pain you can bear.

That is one of the things I had to find out about myself.  Anyone see the movie '300'?  A lot of cats want to believe, want to think that they could have walked with the Spartans, and stood agains the Persians.  Maybe there is something like that in relationships, and I had failed miserably in previous tests.  Though I may have issues on how you interact with a higher power, I have not a doubt that one exists.  I have had too many things happen to me to not believe there is something beyond me.


It isn't like I have a lot to 'keep' me in Detroit.  As I was telling my worker, dressed in a 'Carolina blue' addias hoodie, with  navy skully with the letters 'NC' hooked in its familiar Carolina logo, there is no doubt where my heart is at.  My Dad and his family may need me, and my daughter may just fall head over heels, real 'daughter - Father' love with me, and embrace her sisters, and we REALLY have a 'State Fair' summer (great movie!) one day soon.

I watched a quirky 'Mark movie', 'Garden State' with Zach Braff of 'Scrubs' in it.  In his character, he is drawn back home and he is going thru some things.  He meets a quirky but sweet (is there any other kind of girl in these kinds of movies for the hero to meet?) and in that relationship over the week they are together, he makes new discoveries about himself ...

DEEP ... HOW DEEP ...?

(DEEPER THAN ATLANTIS) They fall in love ... as he is at the airport, he has an epiphany about himself, about his life.  Though he admits to her that she has change his life in the short time they are together, he still has to go...

The girl runs off and cries in a phone booth as he makes his way to his boarding area ... he comes running back to her and he says even though he is messed up, well here are the lines ...

[Last lines]
Sam: What are you doing?
Andrew Largeman: Remember that idea I had, about working stuff out on my own, and then finding you once I worked stuff out?
Sam: The ellipsis?
Andrew Largeman: Yeah, the ellipsis, it's dumb. It's dumb. It's an awful idea. I'm not gonna do it, okay? Cause like you said, this is it. This is life. And I'm in love with you... I think that's the only thing I've ever really been sure of in my entire life. And I'm really messed up right now, and I got a whole lot of stuff I have to work out, but I don't want to waste any more of my life without you in it. And I think I can do this. I mean, I want to. I have to, right?
Sam: Yeah. Yes!
Andrew Largeman: So what do we do? What do we do


... I have done that for a 'Sam' before ... and will again ... but unlike Andrew Largeman, my 'get together' stuff won't keep, and doesn't travel well.  I have do what I have to do.  BUT, I know once I finish my work, I will be ready yet again ...

... to run headlong into the seas of life, and love, all in the pursuit ..!



lv2trnscrb said...

I always hate goodbyes because no matter if you say you are going to stay in touch and be "forever friends" it a lot of times doesn't work out like that; I've shed more than a few tears in recent moves, won't probably too much in this move except when son/us part ways, that will be sad (I'm tearing up already, LOL); but its a good thing for him to get out and experience this world as hard as it is for me to let him go

I haven't made too many friends here so I won't have those types of goodbyes. I wonder if anyone will miss us (Koda and me) on our early morning walks; we see a lot of the same people and while we never say more than a passing "hi", I know I've thought of some of the people I haven't seen in awhile, wonder if someone will do the same with that crazy corgi and his crazy mom who talks to herself (praying)

sorry, got on a tangent here

I think I'm that journalist you mentioned?

I did see 300; I thought it was a very good movie

the way I interact with a higher power, (who I believe is the one true God) depends on what I need; friend, Savior, creator, father; he's all that and so much more :)


lisa41076 said...

Mark, you are a great writer and you express yourself well, Hugs Lisa