Thursday, May 1, 2008



Yesterday was a good, but long day.  I am looking at my things, trying to pick thru what can be left out and thrown on top of the storage bins my things are in.  Oh, and I am very, very anxious!

I lost track of the days.  Thought that today was the 30th, and I did not know for sure that today was Thursday.  Thought the 3rd was Sunday not Saturday.  For some reason, leaving on Sunday, or preferrably Monday, makes me feel like the mission would be less complicated.  Am glad that it is my Dad coming to get me, which takes a LOT of worry out of this.  Though I don't anticipate things getting hairy, knowing that I am 'covered' eases a lot of the stress in my mind.  I would like to THINK I am as 'don't mess around' as he is.

He is coming to this provincial town to get his son.  Don't front.

When I was at the library yesterday, I spoke to one of the girls who works the information desk, as we have developed a friendship over the years, thru my frequenting the library and going to the various sponsored events and book clubs.  A little bit of my emotions slipped out, as I let her know I was leaving and that I was saying goodbye, because my relationship is ending.  She is struggling in her marriage, and listening to her, I recognized all the elements and could have told her why she was having her problems.  But I didn't.

I did allow that I was at a loss as to Mookie's behavior.  Perhaps she doesn't know how to be 'married' because she doesn't want to be, you know?  Something that if it happens, it happens, but she has no 'intent' to make it a part of her life.  And I told her how when I put this into perspective to the 'Big Three' relationships of my life, how for me, this is 'different' but for her, it is the same.

And I allowed for my feelings for lil' Mook, and how that confused me a little as well.  I know that some people make things work for the children, and I would have thought that would factor into our relationship as well.  But it doesn't seem to mean anything to her.  Now, were lil' Mook 5 or 6, she I may eventually fade from her mind when she reaches her teens ... but now, I am helping to shape the young woman she is to become, and I just would have thought ... anyway, she is going to miss me whether she knows it or not ...

... for the rest of her life.

I told her how I liked my prospects, and between my inner confidence and my experience, I will manage my way through.


No, really.  That is what they call me.

Now, me and Mookie don't have sex too often, and that was BEFORE we started having bigger problems, as I guess we were always having them.  Anywho, I have never had to be a 'pleading cat' to get mine, and that is from the very first time.  She ASKED ME if I wanted to 'come over'.

From the beginning, it has always been about informed, mutual consent.  I never had to play 'tag', trying to be 'intimate' with a person.  For the most part, I look at being intimate like this: the partner has a choice.  She can say 'no', but then it is on her to be more aggressive and initiate things, or she can trust my judgement and concede.  The reasoning is, I don't actually 'want it' myself every day ... in my mind 5 - 8 times a month, particularly at my age, is MORE than enough.  Though some months may be at at 2-3 event kind of thing, other months would prolly be an 8 - 10 events.  Not to mention the quarterly 'special events' ...

It is easy for me to controll my hormones, as it has been something I have done for most of my life, trying to box and all.  Now, I am in a relationship for other reasons than the physical anyway.  I thought to mention this, as Mookie looked very nice when she left for work this morning.  I will be glad not to walk into a bedroom, full of her scent, with her ghost walking around with me as I make the bed.

Won't have to go into the bathroom, full of her products, her towel hanging on the door with her night gown, her brushes and hair scattered, reminding me of the person they belong to ...

Love her still ..?  Sure do!  Want to be with her ..?  Nope, you haven't been reading long have you ..!

Plan on seeing her again ..?  Not if I can help it!


mpnaz58 said...

The sooner you can leave, the better for you to begin a new life.  Your emotions when writing about lil' Mook run deep, maybe even deeper than you realize.  You've reached the point in your life when fatherhood becomes you...the chance is now, maybe not in your current situation, but its there nonetheless.  Good luck
xoxo ~myra

lv2trnscrb said...

never say never, Mark, about wanting to see her again; time has a way of softening emotions and tenderizing hearts and perhaps one day years from now you and her can just be friends or acquaintances with the bitterness and hurt gone; who knows

gosh, I understand your anxiety; as one (me) who doesn't like change and doesn't handle change, I can understand that although you are eager to move on, it still comes with unknowns to try to deal with; but I have every confidence you will do well


rdautumnsage said...

That area of life should never have a time stamp, predictablity to how much and how little...Then again that says alot for the direction of the current relationship. When your in something with depth and feeling you don't ever realize there is a number to how much a month or week.

As for little Mookie I have no doubt she will remember you. You cared for her like a father. Perhaps the only one she will ever actually know. (Hugs) Indigo

buckoclown said...

As a divorced Dad that no longer has a good relationship with my Ex, and I only get to see my kids for about 6 hours every other month, it is hard to give any words of solice.  My life is definitely better without my Psycho Ex in it, but my relationship with the kids has definitely suffered.  All I can say is be strong - but as your entries show, you know it will not be easy.  God Bless and Hugs. :o)

toonguykc said...

At this stage I think you're wise for making things final.  Sometimes leaving any doors even a little open means no escape.


lisa41076 said...

Mark, leaving a relationship is never easy, thinking of you, Hugs Lisa