Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Halfway Between the Gutter and the Stars


Dad's truck is down.  Just as well.  Maybe I can relax a little bit.  Wrote up what I will say/leave for the baby ... will have to at least write up something for Mookie.  I don't want to talk to her, not out of fear, but because I don't want to hurt her.

Honestly, deep down I don't care to hurt her feelings.  I want her to be able to go on and deal, just like I am going to have to dust myself off, and get it together.  Saying that and doing it, is a challenge, because I am human, and the element that wants to make SURE she feels something akin to pain, is strong.

Verbally, I could carve her heart out.  But what if I am wrong, or worse yet, she uses what I say as motivation to go on and become Super Mookie, adored neighbor, wife and Mother?  THAT would bother me, more than cutting her up with my tongue would make me feel good.  As long as she doesn't get in my way, and I don't anticipate her doing anything like that.

At the library, because I had to tell one of my job consuelor's good bye.  I will see the other one tomorrow, as she got called out of the office.  Fortunately for me, the young cat who I speak to when I see him was at the employment center, and we had a very nice chat.  Seems he is interested in the MINISTRY of all things!  I found that out in the middle of our conversation, after I had told him, the reason that I always had words for him, is that something told me to talk to him, and that there was something out there for him, and I had to give him something to keep him on his way.

I have spoken to him about my boxing, and I offered to him myself as today's lesson.  It seems something I had said, about it not being about you, not being about what you want, had resonance for him.  I explained that there was a time I had three very good choices to make in my life, nearly all converging on one another.  My boxing, the military, and college.  I chose boxing.

Now choosing that in hindsight wasn't a bad choice ... might have been the least of three good choices, but it was my choice.  The thing that wasn't about me, was that my vision wasn't 'pure' and I knew that when I lost my 'cup of coffee' with the big time.

There was nothing wrong with that, but it was my reaction to it that made me fail.  I knew right away that my vision wasn't complete, wasn't thorough, 'pure'.  Because of that, I would soon be lost, and instead of having different roads, I soon was in the woods.  The cleaner, the more complete the vision, the more likely you are to reach it.

And if you don't exactly reach your goal?  I told him, say you want to be the next Jay-Z, but someone wants you to help do some production work ... next thing you know, you are the next Quincy Jones!  Not what you set out for, but hey, who wouldn't want to be the next Quincy Jones!

Shoot for the stars, and if you land on the moon, don't worry about what those still on earth say!  Again, using myself as an example, I have fought, I have traveled, and have been RIGHT THERE.  Why should I care about what someone who never dared themselves say about me ... con't.


lv2trnscrb said...

I'm glad you wrote up what you will say/leave for lil Mook; I bet that was a hard thing to write


lisa41076 said...

Mark, I hate hurting people's feelings too, I try not to, Love Lisa

rdautumnsage said...

I've always said, that it's not how others percieve you rather how you percieve yourself. As for that taking a lesson from me and doing better with your life...ugh that would be my 2nd ex-husband. He went on to be attentive, get a huge house and have a few more kids. It made me angry because he wouldn't go the extra mile with me; I gave him the building blocks to become a better person and never had the chance to enjoy the fruits of my labor. The thing is his wife now...doesn't have a clue or appreciate an ounce of it. So I guess in hindsight he's getting a lesson in how life was for me. (Hugs) Indigo