Working with a focus ... seeking precision

The Today Show

They ran a feature on what they were calling ‘The Perfect Deception’. It is what goes on when we look at others and hold them up as the standard to strive for, when we have no idea of what is going on that creates what we see. You don’t know what is going on behind the curtain, and as I have said, they give out Academy Awards to people who never make it in front of the camera.

For me, I run my own ‘checks’. I remembering as I matured, if such second-guessing and being introspective was good for me. In the end, the results are mixed, but I will definitely take them. A little more in the material world would have been nice, but I may yet win the Mega Millions! Then what!

If this is just a coping mechanism to help me get through the day, then hey, I will take it! Like hooked on phonics, it has worked for me! I still have my yearning and being optimistic, my desire to stretch out and see the limits of myself is always an option. I have to reign that part of me in, because I don’t need to rush out without making sure my parachute is packed! It IS a long way down, and it is also a one way trip!

BIBLE STUDY

I have wanted to find a group for the last couple of years now, but I haven’t because I didn’t want to offend Mookie. I have been to her house of worship and I find it wanting. Because that is her thing, I won’t get into all that detailing of it. But it is her spiritual home, and that is her thing.

The reason that I want to study the Bible is partly because my youthful lessons have been lost to the sands of time. I need to ‘freshen them up’ so to speak. Don’t think it is going to make me change what is in my heart and in my soul, but I can’t sit and be satisfied with not knowing things. From my perspective, I have seen faith (see, there is only one spiritual philosophy, and that is faith… it is what you believe and you start to do that the instant your brain comes into its initial self awareness as a child … non-faith is your faith if you choose not to believe … it is like air … you can‘t live without it) work in the lives of people, and it is a beautiful thing. Sometimes you want to draw close to them as if it was something you could catch, but it isn’t. Though this ‘thing’, this special feeling is unmistakable when it is spotted, it is also rare. These people don’t call attention to themselves, they just ARE. They have the some same troubles and some of the same worries as the rest of us, but there is something in their lives that allow for them to cope and deal with them.

I think that I could have been ‘special’. My Army sister said that I have a ‘charisma’ about me. Since she said it, I can claim it, and looking back, I can see pieces of it evident in my life. When I was wobbling through adolescence, I recall telling someone in high school how I could deal with the teasing that I was put through. I told them that words really don’t hurt if you don’t let them, and if they did, and I slapped my biceps, I got these to talk for me!

My Mom used to worry about her boys, because the both of us though nothing of stepping in front of the bullet meant for someone else. For each other, or for a sisters. It comes to me a naturally as anything, to do for someone… not just someone close to me, but just to help. I am thinking of that as I go through some of my things … to be honest, I have had, still have, some nice pieces. A little dated, but quality stuff nonetheless. As I go through them, I ask myself if it hurts a little to think about giving it away. And if it does, I do. The things that I snatch immediately I can keep, but if there is a thought about something, wondering if it is excess, I can give it to someone. Would rather hope that someone who is looking for a job, picks up the shirt for $2 and looks nice on that interview and gets the work, than to look at it in my closet, not being worn.

When it comes to our family, though I helped out plenty, I spent much of my time, from 17 until my mid-30’s out of the home. My brother had to grow into being the male figure of the house. When I gave his memorial, I pointed out that he made sure that there was always a man in that home. I would run through, send financial support and things like that, but nothing can trump the ‘boots on the ground’ work that my brother did. We shared that, the feeling that doing for someone is as good, if not better than doing for ourselves. Like now, while my Dad is ready when I call him, if my brother, who liked Mookie very much growing up, giving her manicures and hair tips when she would visit Detroit, he would have ALREADY come and got me, telling me that what ever I think I need to do here we’d get done in Detroit, Mark. Now grab your sh*t and let’s go!

I miss my brother. He is the only one I have. He would come for me, straight away like that, because he knows that I would do the same, with the same intensity, that no, we will make things right, for where we can, not from where we aren’t wanted.

MEANWHILE, THE CLOCK KEEPS SPINNING

One of the things that I had hoped to use as a ‘timer’ is getting my dental work done. I had started doing that prior to November of last year (like I told Nebraska, it isn’t like I didn’t know… just hadn’t gotten there yet!), and I had then told myself that if I were going to evacuate the field (again, this has been on my mind for a long time), that I would get that done here, where I have an established relationship with the folks. Still a valid reference, and with my therapist doubling down like he is, a great deal! I am wondering how long did HE go to school and at what cost? I mean, he went to Michigan, and you ain’t getting a pysch and dental double major for free. I will as him about that. When he had told me that he does some dentistry, I was impressed greatly. What a way to get at ‘em!

I was told it would be fine to keep seeing him by my case worker, provided I can get back and forth to the provincial town he is located in. Uh, details … details! Anywho, sounds like a good deal.

THE BIG FINISH

Now I am a hockey fan. My interest in sports in general has waned, so I don’t follow any of them intently as I once did. But Alex Ovechikin of the Washington Capitals is the real freakin’ deal. He is big enough to set up in the crease and be a big body in the way, graceful enough to skate around you, tough enough to put a hit on you in open ice, and obviously committed enough to play hard every freakin’ night. You almost don’t want to miss a shift he plays let alone a game because he is, this year, THAT GOOD.

Too bad hockey hasn’t penetrated the national consciousness. Same with ‘the beautiful game’, soccer. Says a lot about the national psyche, that something that is unique to only us, football, is the dominant athletic theatre. I think it speaks to an insecurity about the national consciousness, and I am finishing where I started.

We want to be unique at the same time we compete with others, and with our selves. I can’t put it together, cause I am NOT into psychology as a personal interest, but only as a casual observer of how it works. I just know that the two things clash, and it leaves a mark, a scar on the conscious, just a layer below and what grows over it, gets affected.

I just don’t feel I have issues regarding that. What makes me insecure is not having the will to at least explore to get a definitive answer. I don’t compete with anyone other than myself, and I set and establish my own standards. Period. That is what I mean by ‘Imperial Thinking’, and asserting my right over my life and myself. Whew! Back to packing!!