Sunday, March 16, 2008

Trying to get back into a Groove

Nothing Fancy ... Going Straight Away ...
The visit was nice, if too short.  We went to see a play during the weekend, a production of 'Flowers for Algernon' in the provincial town that I live in currently.
Pecan Sandie drove us in her rental.  Picking them up from the airport with my Father was not a problem, as Lexxie asked to ride with me while her Mom followed back.  She has made this particular trip enough to pretty much tell me how to get to my Dad's house from Metro!  It is easy enough, but still ...
It was so super cool being called 'Daddy' for a few days, and Lexxie is growing more comfortable with using that name for me.  It isn't like she ever NOT called me 'Daddy', but it seems as if there is a little more to it.  Regular parents prolly never ever worried about such a small thing.  But I do.
We don't see each other EVERY year.  This was the first stop in what, three and it was different as there was no Mookie and lil' Mook in the picture.  It was me, Lexxie and Sandie, along with my Father and his peeps.  Sandie is comfortable with my blood family too, but there is a little more ease with my Dad's peeps.  I could go into the 'why' that is, but it would be a long digression.  Short reason is, I think it is due to the intense affection she once had for me, and that she once showed.
It isn't there, certainly not at the level it once was.  But between you and me, I think there is SOMETHING left ...
Lexxie wants not just any Father, but her Father.  My girls have had to deal with various relationships, Skye with her Mom now being a divorcee twice over, and KT's Mom dx'ing the Gunney Sgt. and moving on with a new cat.  But Sandie and Lexxie ..?
I have never, ever asked Pecan Sandie about her personal life.  She used to excoriate me regarding Lexxie and our relationship.  That is what she grades me on ... and that is a subject I have an 'F' in.
Not going to make a case for myself ... why should I?  How could I?  Even though she has her Mom's slightly browner skin tone, I can just see myself so clearly in her ... and I think that this year she sees some of her self in ME.  There were enough cousins for her to get to know and play with.  There were walks through the malls and downtown and a movie, 'Horton'. 
And there were more than enough deep gazes into each others eyes ... and I wanted to ask if she want me to live with her ... but I didn't, I didn't because her Mother would have had a kitten.  Though my Dad and his family is on my side (I put it like that, because My blood peeps for whatever reason ALWAYS sided with anyone else but Mark ... and I do think that negatively impacted my relationships ), it would disappoint my Step mom to cause Sandie grief, so I don't play that 'what if we ...' game at all with her.
I liked that Lexxie slept with me in bed.  Her Mom went to her hotel room and left her the first two nights.  That was ... it is something special, to have her little body close to mine, and it felt like the best Christmas waking up and seeing her rightthere ... 
There is a LOT of self loathing when I am around any of my girls ... from the indifferent Skye, to the adoring KT and now, the yearning Lexxie ... I really just hate myself right about now.  I should have figured this out the FIRST time I had a child, but I didn't.  Okay, that I would do it again isn't that bad, but a third time, geez ... are you SURE you went to college?  Do you really know how to tie your shoes (uh, the walk and chew gum thing ... why yes, occasionally there is a malfunction doing that ..!) kid?  What is wrong with you?
Trying to love lil' Mook loses its luster after being with MY daughter.  Despite whatever, me being with them is better than it is not, even if their Mom and I never got to be friends ... nah, I don't really believe that, because the differences between the adults would have created a toxic situation for the girls ... but maybe ...
Well, whoever reads this, consider themselves lucky, as this is something I don't share with ANYONE.  I can't even build a decent case for not tryingto be more of a Father to these beautiful little women, who need not just somebody, but ME.  I can see it in their eyes, hear it in their voices.
Saying good bye at the airport, Lexxie's  hand feels a little bit warmer in my hand ... I wish they were hot enough to burn my skin so that I would have memory of her touching me, holding me etched in my physical memory.
Yeah, I did a little 'search' of her Mom, sent out little 'vibes' to see ... but she does know my game, maybe better than I do myself.  And since I can't make any promises to her, I don't hassle her with the idea of trying to be parents together.  That she comes up here is enough, and I don't dare anger her.  That is good enough.
The day that I left, Mookie found out that her job would be ending in November.  Last year, there were rumblings about a big sale to another company, and that is when I would have like to taken a different tack with 'our' lives direction. Anyway, took a lot of class, in my mind, to hold this to herself over the weekend.  But I guess I will add this to the overwhelming sense of guilt that I carry thru my life.  I am still going to let Mookie do Mookie.
And yes Abigail, unless she has a mouse in her pockets, she talks about 'we', as if the conversation that took place a few weeks ago never occurred.  We still don't kiss, and sleeping on the couch hasn't changed at all.  I don't want to be here, and I won't be.  May just have to tell my Pops to grab my gear and extract me.  The Mook's will be alright.  What choice do they have?
Can't put a clock on things, but I am pretty sure that I am not staying here.  Where I am going ... I have an idea.  First come first though, and that is getting gone from here.


lv2trnscrb said...

Mark, welcome back, so glad you had a nice visit with family and your daughter!!


toonguykc said...

So many options and decisions...I don't envy you, friend.  I am always happier when the path is chosen for me!