Friday, March 21, 2008

Still on the clock

Good Cheat … Bad Cheat …

Yes, I did get another ‘cocktail’. But I did it the Smith-Barney way, I earned it! I did a long sprint (which is what, maybe ¼ mile?), then I walked to QD and got my paper, then I walked to the dollar store to get the cocktail. All in all, it was about 4 miles of walking to get that stuff, and I am still going to due my scheduled floor stuff with some ‘up and downs’ added to it.

Since I have told myself I can only get the stuff from the dollar store, and I can only go to the dollar store if I walk, I hope to curb my desire for this junk, and get myself back on message. But things are ‘driving me to drink’ so to speak!

As Heard On NPR

Today’s ‘Storycore’ segment was a painful story of how deep the animus ran that whites held for blacks in America. Myself, I didn’t stop at the simple racial aspect, as it made me wonder about all kinds of other prejudices, sex, religious, sectarian. Don’t know what it is for anyone else, but the Matthew Sheppard incident is the one that serves as the ‘Emmett Till’ moment of my time.

More than Rodney King (see, I think perhaps that kind of thing is such a frequent occurrence, that as a black man, you just live through it), what happened to that poor, little boy, trying to better himself by going to college, mad me ANGRY. I wish that I could pull the memories of the stage production of ‘The Laramie Project’ out, because it was good viewing, I know. But I was so offended by what happened to Matthew Sheppard. How could anyone gleefully do that to another human being? Did they disregard his life to where they felt justified in doing what they did to him, leaving a Mother’s son in a bastardized crucifixion?

Hate. That is a four-letter word I am EXTREMELY careful with. I hated hearing that story about what they did to Matthew Sheppard.


No, this isn’t going to be easy. I just know that I am determined leave her, and start somewhere new. But since I am here, I amstill on the clock.

My sleeping on the couch has been a common thing throughout our relationship. Seems the previous camper did much the same thing, but for different reasons. Mookie is a horrible snorer, and prolly is that bad. I sleep on the couch because she doesn’t touch me, and if I hold her, it disturbs her sleep. So that ‘her man’ is on the couch, is a familiar result, but for vastly different reasons.

So I am trying to watch ‘Eli Stone’, and she should be upstairs. She isn’t into my whimsy, and I am always going ‘too deep’ in watching the things that catch my attention. But I know what is in the air, as I was caught up in the same breeze for most of the day.

I still love her. I know that this must be hard for her. Finally getting the chance to be with the guy you wished that you had ran off with when you were a girl, to finally have him come back into your life and to discover that he’s different, you’re different, and the other obstacles in your soul are too much to overcome, has to be a hurting thing. And you find out the only place you have worked at as an adult is closing up and you have to find something else, to find a new life …

Time for me to get in the ring with her. I know how to ‘box and move’ and keep her in range without getting to close. I let her ‘hear herself’, by saying things she can disagree with and realize that it isn’t as bad as what is in her mind. She may not know me, but I do know HER. I walk her up to bed … she has to get up for work and after our talk, it is already late. But she sleeps less fitfully, still on her side of the bed. That’s cool, because I am still on the clock, and I can now punch out.

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