Thursday, March 20, 2008

... one of those kinds of sunsets ...



During the interludes between my entries, I lived in the real, carbon world. Broke my promise and got another ‘cocktail’. Dag!

I tell myself that you aren’t supposed to lose all hope and give up, to dust yourself off and get back on message, but today it has been a little bit harder.

Last night Mookie complained about the bedding smelling ‘sour’. She had recently washed them all, so it was a little bit confusing. No worries, I said. I will get it all done.

We have a washer and dryer, but this was a industrial job. So I put the comforters in garbage bags, grabbed the detergent and fabric softner, and loaded up my trusty bike and rode to the laundry. I am sure that I made for quite a sight with that load. I remember how I would stare at such people, loaded up with life as a kid, and how snotty I was as a teen.

When I reached my mid twenties, I would see the people on the street, with their lives visible to all. I would wonder what happened in their walk to bring them to such a state. Too many poor choices in men, or was it a lost job that left one unable to provide for a wife and child at home?

In my thirties, I was sure that I had elevated myself from such worries, and took an active part, at least not a stand around and wait for you to do it part, in helping out in my community. The little credibility I had I leveraged to put a little bit of my money where my mouth was.

When I hit the halfway point in that decade, my own personal stock took a Bears - Stearnes like dive, and I had to concentrate on catching on for myself. Then the bottom fell out, and I had a long and hard climb, hand over hand. After struggling, I felt that I had carved out a comfortable niche, and would be contented to ride out my particular slot to the end.

But there would be one more try at the brass ring … and now … I am looking for all the world like one of the very people who I wondered what happened in their life to bring them to there particular place in life!

I shrug my shoulders and pedal on as I have lately. I didn’t care what anyone may have thought, as I was doing for my family …


Now, instead of washing ‘our bedding’, I am washing ‘your bedding’ and I feel self-conscious, because if I was doing this for myself, or for ‘us’, the purpose would outweigh any observation. But I am uncomfortable, because so much of the purpose for me is gone. But I push on, and I push on, even when I have to go back to the laundry to fetch the fabric softner I left … because I know you just bought it and coming up with another $7.00 at this time is not an easy thing.

Hopefully the State game will be able to take my mind off of what’s what, but as it goes according to form with the local lads proving their superiority, it doesn’t hold my interest. Even the last dvd of ‘Doris Day’ is just so much noise in the back ground.

It’s over. Again.

I want that you have a good life. But I got to admit, right now I can’t bring myself to believe that just yet. I want this to hurt you as badly as anything else … not so much that you are able to learn, but just out of that irrational transfer of my pain, to know that you have to share in it.

You road is also long and winding. I do not pity you.

Jesus Built My Hotrod (white line version)

The baby has come home, and she asks for a soda. There isn’t any in the house … now I fight the urge to go and grab some sugar and a packet of Kool-Aid and get to work, but for a straight ‘A’ student, a small indulgence as a soda pop is a small thing. So I get up and pedal off into the bright day a get the soda.

Lights are flashing inside of my head … I am thinking too much! Weird … now when I am going ‘too deep’ I am the first to know! So I come back and start thinking about the things I know and love, and the things that I don’t know and can look forward too.

Going home is going to bring on a whole new cast of characters. I am going to have to figure out some more ‘names’ to keep them straight. Some of them, like SD and the Fly Skimmie already have them … others may not need them, as there isn’t any intention to bring them purposefully into my life again. There is a new ‘theme song’ an appropriate ‘soundtrack’ for the new approaching era of my life.

Emotionally, this is going to be a tempest of a weekend. I am beset by my feelings, kept anchored by the unflagging belief that separation, cold and final, is the only answer to this question. The only way for me to know ifthis was a wise investment is to emerge from this and find myself in that ‘small, happy place’ that I have been trying to find most of my adult life.

Still want to be loved … still wanna love …

*from Morrissey’s ‘Seasick, Yet Still Docked’, which is how I feel today


dougsbabygirl31 said...

We all wanna be loved. I know that I do and perhaps he does, but not in the way that I feel that I deserve to be.


robinngabster said...

Man fabric softener is so expensive!  Every once in a blue moon I have a little extra spending money when I do my grocery shopping and I splurge on some real good smelling fabric softener...otherwise I get what's on sale or whatever is the cheapest.

abaleman666 said...

i saw rainer maria 4 times before they broke up  *sigh* once with v 2.o, once with beck, once with team bryant, and once by myself.

i run with 3 pound hand weights for 10 min and then 1 lb for ten min and then with none for 10 min but i will try the arms crossed thing.

all i can say is dont fret about the leaving. . .just ready yourself and your material goods then trust in yourself to  know when the time is right for goodbyes.

i already am getting ready mentally to move to new dojo in will be bittersweet to leave this apt, but i know it's time to pare down and save some $$$ so i can stay in school and work towards phd.