Monday, March 17, 2008

... the rarest of entries ...


I haven't hidden the fact that I see a therapist.  Nor have I not acknowledged that therapy has helped me.  The part of the ego, the part that won't accept help or acknowledge it, pride, is relatively a small part of me, and what I am proud of myself, the things that I have done, are things that are etched in stone, not mere observation.

Part of why I did this to myself, maintain  my composure in what is a failing relationship, is because I had to know things about myself before I move on.  That I have sufficently confirmed these things is essential to my being able to maintain my hopes and expectations.  I have said it before and will again, if I am going to make a person a promise that I will be there for them, I want to be able to know that I can expect it of myself.  The secret for both me and the next 'Mrs.' is not to make the machinery redline, as Mookie has done.

My BFF said last year around this time, that she was surprised that I am still here.  Since I have that email, I know that it has been over two years of struggling with Mookie and our relationship.  Now my therapist has come on board to say that I have done all that could be expected in putting up with Mookie.  He was as surprised as I was when I told him about Mookie's 'Vegas scenario'.  We were both like, 'Where did THAT come from?'


I am sure that some of this has been suggested, in fact, I KNOW it has been, in some of the comments.   It helped that we both watched the same program about brain function on PBS last night.  So we were pretty much on the same page, and I was ready to take in as much as I shared with him.

He feels that Mookie just isn't going to get it, and that is that.  From what he has gathered from me about our relationship and from what little I have learned about the previous camper, what ever it is that she is doing wrong in a relationship, she hasn't learned it.

Because of the kind of person that I am, it would be expected that I feel bad, even a little guilty, because I see myself as being fine though I don't know what the future holds for me.  I told him the difference is that to be with her is like a pitch black, the darkness between the stars.  The 'black', the unknown that I see for myself is more like the darkness when you cut the light off in a room.  Your eyes adjust, and you can make things out and go from there.

He told me that I need to go into a 'crisis management' mode, just moving from one thing to the next and avoid looking up and getting overwhelmed by everything that needs to be done.  I told him that I was suffering from 'flashes' all over my brain, that I could see them when I would think about my life.  He said that is when I need to tell myself that I am looking at too much and that I have to focus on one thing, and that is is fine that everything is out there, but to get back to one thing and make sure that is done, and move on to the next.

We also talked about the show, 'The Brain Fitness Program'.  He said that he thought of me with some of the subjects.  I told him that I recognize some of the positive things that I do as well as some of the negative things as well.  But for the most part, we agreed that I do have more in common with the 'positive plasticity' than I do the negative.  I have to look up more when I walk and ride my bike.  Just because I am naturally clumsy doesn't mean that my brain isn't trying to orient itself.

... that Vegas thing ...

If I haven't been clear enough, I will say it again -- I am not going to stay involved with Mookie.  Sure, anything is possible, and you never expected George Mason to make the Final Four or the Giants to win the Super Bowl, but something that seismic, that totally unexpected, would have to happen.  Hell, when I fantasize about winning the lottery for untold Millions, I consider my sharing with Mookie a 'severance'.  It wouldn't be in me to take all that loot and run, but I would give her some, even half and just get gone.

Today I don't care about her one bit, no more than I care for the people her in the computer room in the library.  At this precise moment, I could only go as far for her, as I would for any of them.

I will edge closer to a safe orbit by the time I ride home.  I will have to do this, live in a day tight compartment, and take small steps to where I am going.


toonguykc said...

I like the "crisis management" idea -- just keep your head down, do what needs to be done & don't waste energy with worries that only compound.  I might give that a try.


dougsbabygirl31 said...

I have been in the place that Mookie is in. I was repeatedly beating my head against the same wall over and over. In effect I was insane. Insanity by definition is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I am proud of you for seeking help. Eventually I will have people seeking me out for help, as I am getting my degree in psychology. I have been there and done that. I was abused and mistreated and until I decided that I needed something different I did the same thing again and again.

lv2trnscrb said...

my kids have been in different types of therapy off and on over the years, I'm not sure it was beneficial at all except one particular time it did give the kid a sounding board to be able to talk safely about what he was going through at the time without the emotional features I would have brought into it; I think it is good to have someone in your life who can give advice or help you work through a problem objectively; friends/family often aren't like that

I totally know you are not staying with Mookie so I hope my comments didn't sound like I think you should; I think you need to move on when you can


csandhollow said...

Crisis management sounds good.