Thursday, March 20, 2008

HALFTIME

1/2 cup oats, 1 cup water

Since I had planned on doing some biking around instead of running, I decided to make a bowl of oatmeal for breakieLil' Mook bounded into the kitchen and asked if there was enough for her.  I told her that she could have the bowl that I was making.

She has always had good manners and been polite with me (props to her Mother for that!), our relationship took a change our first summer together, when her namesake, my KT came for her first visit.  She had a chance to see that I really did treat her as much as I could as she was my own daughter.  That is when I really felt that she relaxed and begin to accept me as a fixture in her life, and as a real authority figure.

Making oatmeal isn't brain surgery.  But she has watched me make myself and KT oatmeal, and she knows that the same little quirks that goes into the bowl I prepare for her, are the same ones that go into the bowl I make for myself and my daughter.

Yes, I do wonder about how she is going to deal with my leaving.  I am going to wonder about how she is going to deal with high school crushes, and young men in college and in her early twenties.  She had like the previous camper pretty well, and that is why this is a concern.  He would come by, drop a birthday card, and chat a sec.  I even told him that if he wanted to come by, to feel free, I would just have to let Mookie know it was cool.  Lil' Mook missed him for awhile ... I hate to think that she will miss me as well ...

Saying that it is 'Mookie's problem' doesn't ease my guilt.  Especially after I just had to say good bye to Lexxie, I am really feeling my 'fatherly oats'.  I hope she does call me, and I will leave her AOL account open.

THAT IS WHAT SHE CALLS HERSELF

Lexxie is a petite, precious little darling.  I think of her as a very brave little girl, because she just stepped right up into my arms, and accepted her uncomfortable role of having to be a daughter to a 'man' (this will be my only 'nod' to the notion the 'anyone can be a father, but it takes a real man to be a Dad' crowd ... though I like 'father' better, Lexxie and KT both call me 'Daddy') that she doesn't really know. 

If you asked Pecan Sandie, both Lexxie and me are 'drama queens'.  Lexxie is in a drama group back home, and she acts in plays and overreacts to every little thing, as I have been told.  To me, she is just a joy with her soft light voice, and that southern accent.  We tried to catch up with Skye, but her Mom played phone tag, so that didn't happen.  We went out to 'Dave 'n Busters' as well as the play, so it wasn't just a sit around visit.  It would have been nice for them to have met, but another time.

She did let me kiss her ... a lot!  I had told her that I had a lot of kisses and hugs for her, and that I would like to give her as many as she could stand!  She could stand a lot, and they all were a pure, unadulterated (good word ..!) pleasure.  I did try to talk up the play 'Flowers for Algernon' as there is a significance in the story for us, but I caught a withering look in her Mom's face, and thought better of it.

Lexxie reminds me more of her Mom, with just a dash of me thrown in, to let you know that there was indeed a participant in her creation.  She is just the precious little thing!

DYING FOR EACH OTHER ...

... and getting so much more back.

After my starter marriage blew up, I think that my subconscious installed a 'security floor' for my emotional safety, and moved that part down so it could be better protected.  That would be cool, if I had intended to just keep pluckin' birdies as I went along.  Good if you are going to sail like Thor Heyerdall, but I want a first mate (or I could be a first mate to someone's ...) to my captain, and we sail the seas of life together.

I still think I have pretty good reading comprehension skills, and I think that some comments have been left that understand why I chose to see if I could bring this thing back around.  Sadly, I must conclude that this chapter in my life is indeed coming to an end.

But I still want to believe that I will find someone to love and who will be able to love me in return.  I have made PLENTY of mistakes along the way, but with this particular holiday coming up, the sacrifice and hoped for redemption that this relationship hopefully signifies for me, will be just that.

There have also been a few folks in my life, who amazingly don't seem to understand.  I think that is part of Hutch's frustration with me, along with other issues.  That there are some close to me that don't quite get it, sort of leaves me speechless.  Again, not meaning sacrilege, but the sacrifice/redemption story is big throughout Western culture.  So what is there not to understand?

With trying to reclaim yourself after giving up sooo much to be involved with something, is just part of the cycle of life.  Fight through it, the heartache and the pain, and earn your spot.  Wow, what a concept.

I got my flaws ... said it before, now the next woman that I tell I will be able to hang in there with, I can say it out of the experience that I have gained.  And yes, I am not scared of possibly feeling this kind of pain, even a WORSE kind of pain in trying to achieve it.

That is saying alot, I know.  But I don't know how you ever get back to that place where you can have what you want, if you don't say it out loud ... I want to be in love, married and happy.

Well, State is runnin' past Temple ... I am going to get gone ...

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I used to tell myself that I would never be married after my first one. I have been engaged a few times and that was fine. I still don't think that I have found the one that I want to marry. Maybe it is Doug maybe it isn't. Although I have recently seen some things about him that I am not happy with and the fact that there is the small issue of not taking responsibillity but I am not sure yet, so I am still willing to work on it.

Tawnya

Anonymous said...

I'm sure Lil' Mook will miss you; I think its neat you are leaving her AOL acct open and I do hope she calls you; perhaps you can drop her a little card here and there for the first few months to let her know you are thinking of her

did your team win?

betty