Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Conversation piece

“Usefulness is not impaired by imperfection. You can still drink from a chipped cup.” -Greta K. Nagel

Surprisingly, Mookie has had somewhat of a change of heart. At first she spoke of being a little worried about me, as I am as well. But I told her, I am used to overcoming difficulty, so I know FOR SURE I will manage. Besides, if I can’t rely on my old man, then I just ain’t go no one to call on (though my best sister said she would come and get me… but let’s hold off on Chicago for a sec… I ALREADY know that is a big town!)!

She tried to admit to some of her faults, which is admirable. But I told her that I will start claiming some of my ‘experience’ that she says I have, because it is clear that yes, I do have ‘experience’ over her.

I told her, I know that I am not the Mark she first met… that was a little over 20 years ago! I know that I am not even the Mark she met just 4 years ago. But just as I am not ‘that guy’, you are not ‘that girl’. My experience allows me to see through the things that would obscure ‘that girl’ and allows me to see Mookie.

Mook used to play and still is a basketball fan, and lil’ Mook plays interscholastic sports at her jr. high, so I was able to use sports as a metaphor with her. State has a new football coach, and of course, Tom Izzo is a standard as basketball coach. Good starting points!

We would go to a local sports bar to watch football, and I remark how even in losses, how State looked ‘different’. That, I told her then, was that the new coach brought a different culture, a different attitude. He even carried himself differently than the previous coach, and that made a difference.

I told am CONFIDENT in what I am capable of. I see the things before us, and I see how they can be overcome. You on the other hand, see the hills and they become foreboding woods and mountains. Me, as you well know, am not that way, never have been and never could be. I would rather fail at finding new possibilities than to sit and accept what I see, if I need to have a different result.

So don’t you worry about me. And that is also the core of our problems.

I also realize that I don’t know what it is that you are used to,as far as a relationship partner, but really, why should I care? What you did before, what I did before, matters little to what WE ARE DOING NOW. What matters is the commitment to getting to where we want to be, from here.

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Still sticking with the ‘coaching’ frame, I explained that I believe in doing things a certain way, working in a specific fashion. My thing is to intergrate myself into lives as seamlessly as possible. I told her that I had long knew something was up, because sometimes, she would make comments about doing the dishes, or sometimes to do other housework along with her regular daily ‘whatever’. I told her when I would hear her say those things, I KNEW that my contributions weren’t counting.

There were two personal examples of not counting, and were the entry ‘tagged’ I could refer to the specific entry. One, of course was recent, it was Valentine’s day. Now, I keep what I call an ‘erotic kit’, stuff that I may pick up and hold for that special moment. Sometime early last year, a ‘moment’ came, and I was all over it! We had finished what I thought would be our ‘first round’, and I mean immediately finished, when the phone rang. It was HER best sister, who lives way out west.

Seeing that it was her best sister, I figured they would chat for a sec, and she would politely excuse herself from the conversation. So I went down stairs to get some strawberries and vanilla ice cream and some chocolate syrup (this was part of the plan..!). But Mookie held forth a long phone conversation… uh, okay… THAT’S a new one! Duly noted.

I told her what I thought about that. But since I kept telling myself that I am committed to this thing, that I have to get over that. Now, it seems like it is a bill that is now coming due, and there has to be something done about it. That was personally for me, one of the bitterest pills that I have ever in my life had to swallow. I reminded her what I thought about my first wife, that even with the problems that we had, I KNEW that I mattered to her, I knew she had a passion for our relationship, however misplaced. What did SHE have for me?

DON’T YOU DARE GET NEW WITH ME..!

My disability, that is one of the things she has to  deal with in a relationship, as it didn’t manifest until we had been together a little while. I told her, "So if theresponsibility of dealing with that is what has you down, that is cool, and I can deal with that.

BUT… you have hinted at my girls… and I am going to TELL YOU ABOUT THAT. When did you find out about them, our second, third date? So you knew what you could be getting into LONG BEFORE you took me into your life, before you took me into your home, and before you took that darned ring! You have made ‘comments’ about them (and they are/aren’t what you may think… too detailed to put down though), in fact, you cast some aspersions on my ability to parent JUST YESTERDAY when I told you I talked to lil’ Mook about her eye shadow and boys."

"What I have to say about that… and emphatic F-- YOU! Look, I have three sisters, and I have three girls. I may not ‘know’ what to say or how to be, but I do have a really, really good idea. And again, my experience lets me follow your play. No one is going to steer lil’ Mook off a cliff, so that crap is something that PISSES ME OFF. Of ALL THE CRAP, that is something that I won’t accept in you, or from anyone. I know that I will do my best, basing it only on WHAT’S BEST for the household. Dealing with being a parent is a serious thing, and I don’t care if that gets ‘counted’, I just want to make sure that the little one can grow and be strong on her own."

She was more contrite. She was more apologetic. She made a good and valid point about ‘the man taking the lead’, which is why I made the coaching reference. I told her about how Tom Izzo has a certain style, and how he has certain players that he brings to State. That is how I feel. I like ‘my style’, and I KNOW it can be successful. But if you aren’t ‘buying in’ to that style, no worries, I will go somewhere else, and see if I can ‘coach’ elsewhere.

… and a Modeus Operandi that leaves no tracks…

I do feel that I have plenty of ‘tricks in my bag’ to try. But I have pulled out a lot of them with you. What I have tried to figure out and alter and induce you to change, that is for HER to find out, I won’t tell you. You fix yourself for the next guy… I was trying to modify you to improve OUR relationship. As for ‘the next trick’, well, you aren’t supposed to show ALL your tricks. There are a few left in the bag, and in the bag they will stay.

I told her that I have spoken with my Father, and I havethe ok from him, that I just need to call when I am ready. We will have a ‘trial seperation’ and it will be just that, as it is going to be a ‘trial’ riding around the motor. She did mention that there isn’t a rush, that she isn’t trying to ditch me to move on to the next guy (I knew her ‘extra time’ was done… FAIR PLAY). I told that was cool and all, but when Lexxie comes up, I will go down and stick for a little bit. My Dad, my peeps, they have missed me… hearing the love in THEIR voices is inspiring enough to run like a lemming at the sound and hurtle over the cliff!

So, I will keep my appointments for the rest of this week. Make my regular Monday appointment, then HIT THE NORTH (actually, it is the south and east, but I like the song! And it captures the essence of what I am feeling … I like thinking about the possibilities ahead!).

Everyone will be fine. We have no other choice!

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Once you decided, it was done...for you.  Perhaps she didn't think you'd actually go through with it, which, again, shows she doesn't know you fully.  She's just not paying attention.  I think you made some good points...I know you will be fine!
xoxo ~Myra

Anonymous said...

I love your last line, Mark; everything will be fine, we have no other choice; and that is so true not just in your life right now with changes happening, but life in general; we have 2 choices, to move on and muddle through with the change or to stay put and wallow in self-pity, denial, bitterness, etc. Choosing to realize that you can make things fine and it is your choice to do so is the mark of a wise person which I believe you are.

I think its great too that you have the support of your family!

betty