Monday, February 11, 2008

... through the turbulent seas ...

WEIGHT CHECK … 227.5, which is what I expected. If I was trying to get ready for a match, I would be disappointed. But since I am coming down from 242, I will take it. Considering how it was a challenging week, the cold weather inside AND outside, I will take it.

… and now, what happened last week …

NEVER BEGIN ANYTHING UNTIL YOU CONSIDER ITS END …

Last week, Mookie and I had a relationship discussion. Now, I am a contrarian kind of guy … the more angry I am, the more likely I am to be calm … and it is during that ‘quiet’ that I am more likely to do something than it is when I am all over the place. Observing how other people react in highly emotional states, it became clear to me, that acting crazy was the least likely way to bring about whatever result that you want.

While I can’t be sure of EVERYTHING that is going on with Mookie Dee, there is enough to be sure that she is as unhappy with me as I am with her. When I first sniffed that she was not at a 85 - 90% happiness rate, I took it upon myself to become more active in the home. Cooking, cleaning and helping lil’ Mook take a step from being just a good student to becoming a very good student (not going to press her to become a scholar … that is on her). Then last year, when MY grade didn’t seem to improve much, I went out and bought what I call a ‘promise ring’, as it isn’t the ring that I want to give someone to be THAT RING, but it was nice enough to draw oohs, and ahhs, from her crowd.

After I had made that purchase, my life became even more of a challenge. Though I hate speaking of it, my only brother … at age 34 suffered a series of strokes. And the strokes won. Before that, KT did not enjoy her summer with me, not to mention my own personal challenges. Adding our failing relationship, last year was shaping up as a perfect storm of crapping out of the game of life.

THE UNFORGIVEN

I had to re-watch that movie to make sure that it was an accurate template for me. See, I am similar to William Munny, the character Clint Eastwood played. Though not as remorseless as he was in his youth, having a ‘heart’ doesn’t make any of the hurt feelings I have caused any less painful. But I am willing to live a smaller, humbler, and stable life in order to be happy. The things that I didn’t care for in this provincial town when I was younger, still aren’t cared for. This is a place that is a little more than okay … choosing between here and Detroit is truly a case of six of one …

… but Mookie lives here, and this is her home town. And there is some of the things that I want here, otherwise I would not have come. So here I am, willing to sublimate my wants and hopes for something a little more tangible. I get to be a father and a partner with someone who was once ‘the leading available contender’ to become my first wife. The way I think, I am like ‘how cool is that?’. In a case of bird in the hand, I stopped my dreaming of visiting Nebraska and came here (see, I had actually started THAT relationship prior to re-upping with Mookie) to see if I could be something that I sincerely wanted to be.

A man.

… mmm smells good …(what’s brewin’ ..?)

Trouble.

I think that my brother was supposed to do one last thing before he joined his best friends, our Mother and a particular Aunt. Our family had become fractured, everyone here and there. We were all brought together and the differences are all ‘fair play’. But the newest member of our family, my first wife, was also a part of it. We have had our troubles and they unfortunately extend to my relationship with Skye, our daughter. And one of our ‘differences’ is that she would take me back, if I so much as twitched. Many people have told me as much, and this past summer, she was respectful, but you could just FEEL it …

… not gonna happen.

What I did think it would do, is spark something in Mookie. I sort of think she has begun to take me for granted and with my diagnosis, I think that she feels that I don’t have anywhere to go. Even if it is true, I remain blissfully unaware, and I still feel that I can go ANYWHERE and carve out a life or something like one.

I thought seeing how my first wife was still feelin’ me, I thought she’d reconsider how she saw me. She didn’t. So what happened, is kind of fuzzy, but I knew I was going to go to Chicago to visit my Best Sister. I remembered that I would go thru Chicago on amateur fights to Iowa and Nebraska, so I figured she would be near enough to meet me there. She agreed, and we did (now, there are fuzzy math details in there, but the upshot is that we did get together for a weekend).

Considering …

For me, just like William Munny had reasons for trying to get the bounty money, even if it meant returning to being who he was, I had my own for going out west. And all of my reasons were justified. I needed to find out how I would do in a totally new environment … as it is, I have been living for four years in the area I was living at back in the day, but didn’t know it until LAST SUMMER. Though I have never talked with my therapist about my condition, I did tell him that if he feels that I need to know something, tell me DIRECTLY … giving him what I call a ‘golden pass’ to speak as frankly about me as he needs to. In fact, people that comment here also have one. Say what you want, and let me figure it out.

So I needed to get out into a foreign environment, to see if the instincts that I come to rely on still would work, at least to the point where I can be out in the world. Along with confirming Nebraska as a ‘THAT GIRL’ (see, we ALL have more than one ‘true love’ in our lives … that I have been lucky enough to find a few of them, is no different than being the kid who finds the most Easter Eggs … I LOOKED her the eggs where, not where they weren't!), I do think that I can actually do this on my own. There are some administrative things in my life that I have to deal with, but being with the world alone, is something that I have confidence in. Again. Sure there are some risks, and since this is running long, I won’t get into them. But I have said it once … ‘FACE YOUR FEARS, LIVE YOUR DREAMS’

What happened was …

I like to believe that I am desirable and sexually pleasing. Those have been what most of my reviews have said … certainly my big sister I never wanted thinks so. So do a lot of other people. The relevance of this is that, sex between committed partners is the ‘canary in the coal mine’ of relationship health. That it levels off from when the ‘new car smell’ passes is to be expected. But when there are breaks in the established pattern, there is usually cause for concern. Something OUTSIDE of the relationship, job stress, individual self-esteem, ‘pigeon-hunting’, something is the reason.

Contrary to popular belief, I am not, nor ever have been a horn dog. When I was an active boxer, I adhered to the rule about pre-fight sex. Since I like to stay in good shape, I could get by with two, made three ‘dates’ per week. So that if we only had three dates a month, I would be cool because at some point we would end up having five another month … that is the way the law of averages work, right?

But not with Mookie.

Dag! My hands are getting sore … will have to get back to this another day … to make sure I remember, I will stay on message until the story comes out ..!

5 comments:

lv2trnscrb said...

Mark; I read this; looking forward to reading more as you share; relationships are complicated, aren't they?

betty

rdautumnsage said...

I've always said Romance isn't all love and fluff, you better be prepared for some hurt, pain and sorrow in the mix. Life works that way, why would we ever think Romance would be any different....I''m looking forward to the next installment of this story.....Each one gives me another piece of the puzzle as to what make Mark who he is...(Hugs) Indigo

toonguykc said...

Relationships are complicated to begin with -- and then two people each add their own needs to the mix.  Amazingly -- some relationships still work out.  Amazing.

R

mpnaz58 said...

It is interesting that you see your life the way you see it...and can explain it.  You know yourself well.  What you can't explain is the missing watch!   I am staying tuned for the next episode...
xoxo ~Myra

pengboo said...

You have me re-thinking my perspective on my own relationship.  Actually in a very positive new way.  Is it supposed to be this complicated??