... finishing up ...

SOMETHING I CAN NEVER HAVE ...(sorry trent reznor ..!)

Okay, so Mookie is stingy with me on the pooh ... and I do have dibs (because I was her first).  Her daughter shares a name with one of MY daughters ... so we HAVE been thinking about one another ... fondly I may add.

So I am like 'What is up?'.  In one of our conversations prior to stopping in the late spring about 'us', I had asked her, 'How often did you and the previous cat do that thing?'  Loaded question, I know, but it doesn't bother me AT ALL.  The voyeur in me is actually titilated by someones 'tales'.  But it was loaded for another reason.

Direct comparison.

I figure that if you can evade me and only be expected to 'date' 3 - 5 times a month, then is that what you are used to?  Because I don't think there are many cats that would be cool with that.  The previous camper wasn't and she confirmed my suspicions.  I didn't say anything, because her answer said what I needed to know.

... no, that isn't the cheese ... something DEFINITELY is rotten in Denmark!  By this time, KT was on her way, and I figured I would just suck it up.  And it is such a pleasure and a joy to have her around me.  But her Mom sent her up with instructions, as she has noticed boys and the boys noticed her.  Translated into an awkward conversation, but we talked.  She didn't have the best of times, and I knew it.  Credit her for not whining to me, but she told her Mom.  I only JUST FOUND OUT last week ... so coming into this conversation with Mookie, I was a bit warm.  There was some feelings on KT's part that she was getting underfoot.

Then with her 'support' during my darling brother's transition, I was feeling very uncomfortable.  But I was still very confused.  I like my health care options, and I feel 'safe' bumbling around this town.  My BFF, other women put up crap relationships for years ... am I more special that I think that I don't have to ...

... and a weekend in Chicago opened my eyes ...

It made me feel light again.  Though I project, I am not into 'coulda, shoulda'.  I was still trying to fight when I made Nebraska's aquaintance.  I have already crossed many miles for less to try to find love ... in this case, I felt I had at least as much intelligence as I did when I married my first wife.  But it wasn't the time for us.

But what it left me was a renewed sense of self.  I believe in being positive.  I am, for lack of a better term, a spritual kind of cat.  What you belief in, BELIEVE it.  Let it show up in your actions.  I went to Chi-town on faith, not luck.  I hoped Nebraska would be what she 'felt' like.  I hoped that my best sister could handle me as her responsibility, as I did when she was a baby.  Everything was a go, and I have great memories and for me, a best experience.

Finding out that I can get out and not be immediately lost, is what I hoped to have accomplished.  Before I made the big jump, I spent a weekend with my friend Hutch, who mentioned that I did not seem to want to go outside.  Though I know the area he lives in (I should, since I lived in the same area as well), that was over a decade ago.  Nebraska, bless her, took me around and put up with me.  I tried to keep up as best as I could, and like I said, gained the confidence I think that I would need in a different location. 

My best sister is doing just fine.  I couldn't be prouder of her, striking out on her own trying to do her thing.  Won't detail her too much, other than say she has a little girl and a decent enough job.  She has her own struggling, and I did not ask her to bear any of mine.  That may have been the 'big brother' in me that didn't let me talk with her.  But anyway ...

COMBAT SALACIOUS REMOVAL

I don't know what Mookie does when she is unaccounted for.  I don't know what she DID when I was out west.  That subject, which we would address, is 'fair play' and I will not be revisiting what we shared with each other.  But I will say this, other than one trip with her sister, she has been more accountable in regards to her time.  As to me ... I RIDE A BIKE ... where do you THINK I am going to go ..?

So she is home more ... and we date less ... so what is the deal with that?  But I had told myself that I would wait until February before I talked to her about 'us' again.  This is where last week conversation came into play.

HOW SOON IS NOW?

I had to first take inventory.  I wanted to actually just probe Mook, see where her head was at.  But I tend not to be a tip-toe artist.  So the conversation went something like this: 'You are a super cool girl Mook and any cat would be lucky to land you.  In fact, I STILL want to be with you and I am still in love with you.  BUT ...'

I did not want to go as far as I would end up going.  Honestly, we had already made arrangements to work thru this relationship until the end of summer, becase my out state girls had already made their arrangements, and then we would see where we stood.  But I had held myself too long by my standards anyway.  And I am not afraid of too much of anything, even the uncertainties that I was inviting in.  But I am weary of a lot of things, being worried about whether someone is in love with me or not shouldn't be something I should have to consider. 

For what ever reason, being in love and having it reciprocated is the thing for me.  I would have traded whatever I got from boxing to have been in love ... I know, because while I was married, I stopped for two years in the middle of my 'youthful prime' to find out.  I have already crossed THOUSANDS of miles to try to be in love with someone.  The situation I am having here is that I need to 'solve' for other things in my life.  For instance, I can't catch all of my Georgia years, though my DAUGHTER was born there, and I saw it.  Sometimes, I am riding down streets and they make me think of somewhere else, Junction City, Fayetteville, Greensboro, Clarksville ...

In short, of all the worries that I have, whether or not someone is in love with me, SHOULDN'T be among them.  I don't know why you don't pay me any attention, I don't know if you don't think what I do is of any value to me.  Nothing wrong with that ... because there are things about YOU that give me the willies.  Doesn't mean that you are this or that I am that, but it could be that WE are not what we want to be to each other.

My experience tells me what I do should be thought of and held in a certain way.  Don't know why it doesn't seem to be with you.  No DOUBT there are some things about you that are not cool with me.  Maybe you are tired of having to comprimise to be with me.  Cool, because I am tired of comprimising to be in your life as well.

Note:  Me being 'tired' means I am going to stop.  Period.  No further will I go.

The Smiths 'How Soon Is Now?' is the song that I most strongly identify with.  Even when it became clear that wasn't me or my life, all the way until I was in my mid-30's, I FELT as if it was applicable to me.  My relationship with my LBGF help me realize that it wasn't me, but still ... it lingers.

I am human and need to be loved, just like everyone else does ... So when you say, 'How soon is now?' when exactly do you mean ..?  I have waited far too long and all my hope is gone ...

SoI told her that it would be find, if she thought it best to relieve me from whatever position she had for me in her life.  I asked her, 'Do you want me to leave?'

Double dag ..!  This IS getting long!  I will have to finish this up tomorrow, I hope ... don't want to forget ..!