Tuesday, February 26, 2008

... regular 'can't sleep' night ...

... and if there is a mouse in the room with the Elephant ..?

NO!  Never did find that watch, though it may turn up in subsquent re-arranging.  But that I asked for help and I am still waiting ...

I wanted to try to blow past this, but I know that isn't going to happen.  Can manage it though, because I have always have.  That is why I wanted to keep giving this time, because I had wondered if I was able to manage how I dealt with the ending of a relationship, that maybe I had more to give.

Now I see it is just the male ability to compartmentalize backed with the feminine emotional resolve (which I think I got from being raised by a single mother).  I mean, the stereotype of a man being crushed and blindsided when his woman decides to leave vs. the woman's wailing and gnashing when her husband leaves is what I am working with here.  That 'Waiting To Exhale' Angela Bassett thing is the exception, and even then that crap came essentially after the cow was out of the barn, just isn't going to ever be a part of MY life's experience.  That crap ALWAYS happens to other people ... it NEVER has happened to me.

I gave what I had to give and it wasn't enough.  Oh well.


I know she occasionally reads this, never comments which is cool ... but guess who is also a dentist ..?  MY THERAPIST!  He said he will work out an arrangement to get some of that work done!  I had been going thru the county clinic, and the lines are long and they are limited in what they are able to do.  But hey, I figure it is a kung fu mega bonus!!

Again, I am going to miss him.  Last year, I told him that was the top sign that I knew this wasn't working with Mookie and I, that the main reason I am still here is that my health care options keep me comfortable!  And I mean that.  I don't know what I was like when therapy started, but it wasn't where I am right now.  Though I am confident that I can manage myself, it has been super cool having help.

He is my first analyst, and you know how that 'virginity' thing works regarding sex!  I hope it doesn't hold form in this case ... though I am sure that I will send cards on occasion, I think I can find another doctor to help me find my way with minimal brusing!

Getting over some of it ...

... the disappointment that is.  See, when I say that Mookie is the only girl I ever 're-dated' I mean exactly that.  I don't count the make up - break up with my wife because well, SHE WAS MY WIFE.  If you have any intention of fulfilling 'to death do we part', you get over that.

But any other relationship, no.  You say, I say, we both say it's over, it is over.  Can talk with you like you are an ace boon coon, but as far as renewing anything, no.  I like exploring, and it is in 'leaves no foot had trodden black' that I make my strides.

When I got back with Mookie, it was after strong consideration that I had met the lady I was supposed to be with.  I have met WAY MORE great women than I have been a good guy.  That some of them still maintain(!!!, see, I can FEEL them ... and occasionally my BFF tells me some of them ask about me!) warm feelings towards me is just amazing.  This accounts for the contrasting good cat/bad dog conflict in my relationship life.  Yes Virginia, I did think that somehow I was deserving of some 'payback'.  After all, that is what karma is all about.

Still kind of sold on the impression that I have 'met' her, just isn't Mookie!  At any rate, I am going to lay off the partner thing for a nice long while.  Looking forward to hanging out with my family and more importantly going to Carolina and Georgia to visit my girls!  I have spent enough time in both places to have called them 'home'.  Love Carolina, like the Atl.  Nixxie and Pecan Sandie have gone on with their lives, so there isn't any romance there ... just good feelings for me.

...and there is STILL Nebraska ..!

Can't remember what and how I connected to Nebraska the person, but I know how I connected to Nebraska, the state!  I had started to follow football as a young child, and Keith Jackson's voice for ABC seemed to be a little more fuller calling the games for the Huskers.  They came and beat Ohio State one year, and since red was my favorite color ...

Vince Ferragomo, Jarvis Redwine, Trev Alberts, Neil Smith ... and I could name more.  But not only do you connect with stars when you connect with your favorite teams, you connect with guys you just root for, like in baseball here, there is a lot of 'love' for Brandon Inge, though he isn't a star player for the Tigers.

I am a lot like that, in I like who I liked.  Though he wasn't the best quartback during a forgettable era of Nebraska football, I have had some 'love' for McCathorn Clayton ... in fact, KT could have had McCathorn (I would have called her 'Cathy'!) for a name, but her Mum liked the alternative better!

The point is, there is a certain 'vibe' for Nebraska, with or without 'Nebraska'.  Its on my list.


... uh, that is from the Kings of Leon song, 'Knocked Up'.  It is playing right now, and the singers voice has the tired, questioning worry that you need in this kind of song, in this kind of confusion.  I hope they make a couple of more good CD's.  I really like this one!

One of the differences between the rock bands that I like and the rap and r&b crap that fills the airwaves, is there is clear and distinct lines of demarcation between what is commercial and what is artistic expression.  Don't get me wrong, as I am sure that the 'KOL' and Interpol would't mind conscious shattering success, but at the same time, they do what they do, which is they make the music that they like as much as what they can sell.

See, that claptrap they call R&B can't convince me that they make music.  Devoid of true content, they push extremes, in sterotype and expectations.  Now if they could all sing like Jill Scott or drop lyrics like KRS-One ... they would still have me as a fan.

But they don't.  So listen to the 'Fountains of Wayne' and enjoy!

The Big Finish

... am I really this cheery?  The choices of moods on here are so very limited ... but 'chillin' does seem to fit me best.  Chilling is what I do most everyday, in most every situation.  Like the commercial says, 'Never let 'em see you sweat'.  And I try not to!

I have had my moments ... in fact, I had a whole year in '07!  But I enjoy being able to stop, draw a deep breath, and get up and go to QD and get me a Coke, some candy, and a Detroit Free Press!  I enjoy sheving books at the library, and I enjoy when I ride my bike ringing my bell making little children laugh!

Be real?  What, like that isn't a part of reality?  It's my reality, and that is good enough!

1 comment:

lv2trnscrb said...

I think your last line sums it up perfectly, "its my reality and that is good enough"

you are living your life as you see it best at this season of it and you are making the choices you need to make to move on when you are ready to move on, I think it is all a good thing

sorry you haven't found your watch yet; I do say a prayer about it every so often when I remember for you to find it

now this was interesting to read your therapist is a dentist; covering lots of bases, that's a good thing