Monday, February 25, 2008

...and my doctor agrees

SPARE ME THE EXPENSE ...

Though I hadn't seen it, the movie I was pulling for, 'No Country For Old Men' did pretty alright.  Glad for it.  From 'Blood Simple' to 'O, Brother', the Coen brothers have proved theselves superior filmakers.  I am sure they could interpret my blah life and turn it into a epic!

My weight is down to 217, which is SERIOUS fight weight.  I was a stud at this weight 10 years ago.  But because of my illness, I don't think it will stay.  Not only that, I feel 'weak' and smaller.  Not being able to lift weights mean that there won't be an increase in size.  In fact doing what I am doing, pushing myself with high reps will provide definition, but no strength and no size.  Which is cool, since I don't need to be kung-fu mega strong anymore.

Now for what I think, at least for my diary, is the worst kept secret in the world - I am going to leave Mookie.  Since this may disturb some people, the subject matter isn't going to be kind.  Anyway, I reached this conclusion this past weekend, Saturday night.  She went out with lil' Mook and one of her sisters ... for too long a time.  It doesn't matter what they did, or where they were or what time they came in (to be honest, I took some medicine and it laid me out ... but they left at 5 pm and I fell out at 9 pm). 

Whenever it was, it was too late for someone in a committed relationship to be coming home.  Period.

SURPRISE ... sometimes ... I'll come around ...

That there was not even a courtesy, 'I'm out with the girls' phone call confirmed what I have been working against.  She just doesn't get it.  Not that she is this, or she is that.  But what works in a relationship is different from what is expected in a relationship.

When I told Nebraska that I had given Mookie a promise ring, she was besides herself.  'Honor among theives', but I respect her feelings.  To her, that I had given Mook a ring signified a certain stature to our relationship that she was unwilling to sully.

To me, a promise ring is a promise ring - were we 17 again, it would matter.  The rational behind the promise ring was to see if Mook recognized it as a sign of a deepening of our relationship.  She didn't, doesn't, and so when I leave, it is coming with me.

FEBRURARY SPAWNED A MONSTER

Man, this has been a LONG month!  It was just a few weeks ago that I said that things were going to be resolved.  Unfortunately, Mookie went to the Kelvin Sampson school of rehabilitation ... the things our conversation were to resolve would be immediately be undone.  But this time, following what happened LAST YEAR with dealing with our relationship failings, I won't bring 'us' as a subject up for discussion again.  I have enough to worry about.

The 'unreality' in this is, if I am half the cat I have claimed to be, then what IS Mookie's problem?  Since it IS my reality, I don't care.  I am going to leave.  But this ain't no 'didi mow' off no rice paddy in the Asian jungle.  It took two full years to reach this point ... and it took nine months of dating to get me here.  I have earned the time I want to allot myself for this procedure.

Does Mookie know?  No, not at all.  In fact, we JUST THIS MOMENT concluded a conversation regarding her job.  She works for a bank that has just been bought by a larger bank, and there is going to be the requisite job shrink.  When I first heard last year of what was going on, I did want to 'coach' her through the 're-engineering', thinking that perhaps if she saw that sticking together we could pull through, it would help the relationship.  No such luck.

So ... NOW WHAT ..?

Now I am not some naive waif.  I know what must be done.  And I have earned the right to do things as I see fit.  No matter what else is going on in this house, my priority will be preparation for my next move.  There won't be (much) dissin' and pissin' and moanin' about her or any other social interaction in the household.  That just isn't my style, and it will take all that I can do to get 'dress right dress, and cover down' as I maintain my personal discipline.

What ever problem we have with each other, is now moot.  What is the point of talking about what I don't care for about her, what she finds off-putting about me, since there CAN BE NO resolution.  I have given past the point of diminishing returns, and I could care less what the state of affairs are when I make my exit.

From making my arrangments with the proper government agencies and securing my health care options, I will have more than enough to be concerned with.  As to the 'family unit', well, if this meant anything to Mookie, then she would have shown up better than what she has.

Little mad ... more disappointed ... and VERY hurt.  I really thought that if I were to commit to someone as clearly as I have with Mookie, that I would make it to the championship game ... and win it.  Don't know if making it to the 'sweet sixteen' has the same sense of accomplishment on something that had 'Final Four' written all over it.

Right now, I don't want to lock in a  month max time to leave.  There are some administrative things that must be done, as I am entertaining the possiblity of leaving the state.  Detroit is a little to rough and too mean for me now a days, and I don't think I would like being a recluse in an apartment, or stuck upstairs in my Father's house.  Got some thoughts, so it isn't that hopeless.  Must admit, it feels super good to be looking forward to being just what I want to be, not what maybe someone wants me to be.  Especially when they don't know what they need in their lives' themselves.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

I've been waiting for you to leave Mookie.  It's felt like it's been a long time coming.  
btw: (and I'm sorry if I've asked this before because I'm getting deja vu as I'm asking now) How old is lil' Mook?  You speak about her with such affection.  I hope the two of you stay in touch...

Anonymous said...

now its time for you to lose your excitement. . .


the spree rocks!

Anonymous said...

I think you are making a good decision, Mark, you need to find someone as equally committed in a relationship as you are and I'm afraid it is not in this particular relationship from what I've read.

change in a good thing, scary as it may be

looking foward to reading how it unfolds in your life in the days to come

BTW, did you ever find your watch?

betty

Anonymous said...

I also agree that its probably time you let Mookie go. From the read of it, you have given to the relationship above and beyond what she appreciates.
Time you set yourself free so that you can be open for the love and care I'm sure awaits you.
You seem to be fond of the state of Nebraska...maybe???

Best wishes to you Mark.