... the name of this journal is ...

STARS, LIKE GRAINS OF SAND IN MY POCKET

I read it as a short story in an anthology.  Good story but better title.  It speaks to the universe within and without.  I have my incomplete, flawed dreams still ... and reality has taken none of their promise ...

... today's journal entry is going to be about that ... the stars in my pocket.

FAMILY DAY

I am still 'under contract' and I will continue as best as I can until otherwise assigned.  I got free tickets at the beginning of December for a free activity sponsored by the library - 'A Day With Theo and Thelma', where the actors who portrayed those iconic characters on 'The Cosby Show' and 'Good Times' spoke for free downtown. 

Me & the Mook's got ready and went.  It was a good family activity for the day.  We saw some of lil' Mook's teachers and the Mother of one of her friends.  I don't think Mookie really can appreciate the kind of things that I spurr our little clan to do.  This is the kind of social interaction that carry big dividends, from how other's see her and lil' Mook, and the self esteem lil' Mook gains from being 'carried' and exposed to such things.

For me, it is always interesting when people who are in the public eye, and have a certain 'currency' to speak uses almost verbatim the words to describe situations and emotions.  The irony is rich ... but this isn't a 'beat up' Mookie thing ... I don't do that.  Miss me?  I could care less.  That isn't my problem.

Since I did start this, I will 'press the play' so to speak.

"I might not go to church every week like your mother, but I believe that every man on the street is my brother."
 --John Freeman Bramble

Every time I saw this quote, I thought what an insightful man!  Why couldn't more people understand and embrace this simple concept and stop the struggle over deism?  That it is someone's beloved father added to its poigancy.  I was able to borrow it from another diary From the Edge of Dementia.  When I saw it, I felt pulled by it, as it captures my feeling towards brotherhood.

I am agnostic.  But I respect each and everyone desire to worship or not worship as they choose.  'There are more than enough to fight and oppose, so why waste good time fighting ..?' sang Morrissey in the song 'Hold On To Your Friends'.  I agree, so I try to not remain angry, or even to become angry at a person, no matter how frustrating or exasperating they may be.

Like Mookie.

... and here's Dr. Phil!!!

The tiny brained folk that stumble through my life, don't understand how someone who can go to church all that, hang out with a cat like me.  See, faith is actually VERY important to me, and a vital aspect of my life.  From Joesph Campbell to the Upspanishad and many, many philosophers and thinkers in between, the philosophical and intellectual respect to faith is something that is important in my life. 'According to your faith, so be it onto you.'  Many people have heard that ... they go into there houses of worship and come out and lie in bed on Sunday night agonizing over how they are going to pay their bills, manage their jobs, all that, and to top things off, they can't see how it is going to be possible.

... but I could have thought that it is provided for you ... That is why Dr. Phil likes to ask, 'How's that workin' for you?' , when your behavior only seems to reinforce the negative consequence of your action.

My thing with folks, and yes Virginia, Mookie is among them, is that they don't let their faith work for them.  One of the reasons that I subscribe to one particular journalist, is that I believe in the sincerity of her faith and the examples of it in her life fairly resonates through the screen.

See, I believe ... I will call on a 'Calvin 'n Hobbes' where Hobbes asks Calvin, 'Is there a God?'  and Calvin replies, 'Well, someone's out to get me!'

And someone is.

When Mook and I hooked back up for this go around, we had this discussion at the top of the hour.  I asked her to look through some of my PERSONAL COLLECTION ... faith, I told her, is VERY important.  It isn't that I ever wanted to sleep in on sundays, but I have chosen a different path, sanctioned by my Mother.  The thing is, I have to continue on it, which means I have to read and listen and sometimes even go to the message.  But I don't sit still with it.  Faith is personal, but all faith is an action.  Just because you show up on Sunday, doesn't mean you have 'faith'.  Faith is what you do between visits of nourishment, not for the two hours you are dressed up and waiting to gossip about fellow parishoners.

When Dr. Phil asks that question, he may as well be asking about your relationship with your diety.  You should be acting according to your faith ... is your faith misplaced?  Are you frightened of it?  What?

I am quiet around here, not because I want to be, but because Mook doesn't seem to see where if she gave some of her problems off to her faith, she could appreciate what blessings she has in her life.  Lil' Mook is a wonderful, beautiful girl.  A straight A student because SHE SET her own goals.  That she is that kind of kid is a testament to her Mother.  Her worldly worries about money, her job, those are issues that are beyond her direct control.  Appreciate the things she has, her BLESSINGS, and work from there.

These are the things that I would like to tell her.  I would like to tell her that if you want better, than believe in better ... ask and so be unto you, right?

... uh, yes this is a HUGE thing

And yes, it is a deal breaker.  Say what you want about my dysfunctional family, my personal failings, but you can't say that it is from lack of faith.  We believe in something larger than us, something that will pull us through if you but believe.  Such a simple thing ... yet people find it so hard to do.

This may sound awkward, but again, I will revisit my trip to Chicago in November.  There were plenty of uncertainties with that arrangement, but on the faith that I had, in myself and in the planning and preparation, I was able to have a wonderful time.

What ever positive thing I have had happen, belief in the unseen has played a big role in its outcome.  I am troubled when someone can go worship week after week, and I can see and hear evidence that the lesson isn't either being taken or properly given (which is a tagent I would rather not go on ... so let's not go there).

The way I operate is, if you believe and let your faith do its work for you, then trust that we will find each other heading in the same direction, literally and spiritually.  I am a postive cat, and I don't know which faith is followed on negative concepts.

This is what I mean ...

... whew.  Even as I skate on the boundary of something that I find negative, I find myself being fatigued by the effort.  It takes so much more enegy to fight my natural impulse to see things in the best light.  This thinking started as I had mentioned, when I heard both Malcom Jamaal Warner and Brenda Bernadette Stains speak about things I had previously covered in conversation with Mookie.  And to watch her listen as if it was enlightenment offened me.

But it is done, and I am going to get back on message.  Hopefully the roughest part of winter is behind us.  That is something else taking some stuff out of me.