Saturday, February 16, 2008

First I would like to offer my thanks to all who stop by and look at how I see the world. Certainly it is flattering, but I didn’t start this with the idea that anyone would pay me any attention.

When I first started this, I was pre-diagnosis. But being as sensitive to my own shortcomings as I am, I felt that keeping track of my thoughts were a good thing for me to do. My own computer is seized up, and I am sure that it just needs a tech to kick it in the pants. But while I trust that Mook and lil’ Mook wouldn’t look at anything of mine on here, the saying, ‘Trust in God but lock your doors’, applies here.

I type better than I write. Though the possibility that billions of eyes can see this, still no one has passed me on the street and asked if AKA was still gassed, or if Hutch had a good time in California, and NO ONE has said that I got robbed in that fight outside of Pittsburgh …

… I think y’all get my point. ‘Being anonymous’ is a large part of being on Net, but so is community. Everyone who reads this is a part of my life as the bus drivers in town, the hourly workers at QD. And like it or not, I am now a part of yours!

Group Hug!!

… up at 5 o’clock in the morning …

This day, I was actually at ‘em at 0430 hours. That isn’t unusual in itself for me, as I tend to wake up early anyway. But as quiet as is kept, I slept uneasy last night. Mookie and I had a talk about Valentine’s. So I came down and logged on and checked my mail online.

Various posts had been made, and I checked some of them out, posted on a couple too. Scanned thru my mail, and there were a couple of personal letters that I haven’t read … I know given the senders that it is going to agitate me, so I haven’t wanted to be THAT engaged yet. I am going thru enough turbulence without adding to it.

It was about 6 when I got dressed and went for that special run of all … the ‘o’dark - thirty runs, dreaded by soldiers and athletes all over the world! I've liked getting up early always, and running and doing PT didn’t faze me in the least! Today I got out in the snow and ice, and rumbled my way around and blew a lot of stuff off! Man, I like being able to get out and do that! As I ran, I was able to clear a lot of the detritus out of my mind. See, I wasn’t going to post about our talk last night -- but that I suggest being honest and accountable with your own self, to not post what I thought, fresh out the box this morning, would be dishonest.

That is what I like about y’all. Yes Cain, you ARE your brothers keeper, simple as that. Reading about how some of you are facing up to taking on your lives, led me to rethink my act of denial, and to sit myself down and make this entry. Now, this is what I felt THIS MORNING and there is no guarantee of where it will lead me to later. And I promise that I will get back to me, and I will get back on line with wherever I go. If you preach something, you have to show it as well. Here y’all go … and have the best weekend ..!

Of course, I spoke to Mookie last night. It went AGAINST my best interests of course, of course, but I have enough trouble sleeping and didn’t need THIS to keep me up. Though I would like it if we somehow made it through this, uh, it seems HIGHLY UNLIKELY, so says the magic 8 ball.

I spoke to her about Valentine’s and what was up with that? After all, it is a day that usually the woman looks forward to sharing with her someone special … and you didn’t …

So NOW what?

The contrasting emotions that I am feeling isn’t like the contrasting tastes you have drinking a nice glass of cool, cool lemonade on a hot summer’s day. It makes my head hurt and causes me to feel woozy. Her rationale exposed the real problems from her end. It isn’t in her to do more than what she is doing in our relationship. As objective as I am with myself, I tried to create an environment where she felt comfortable talking with me.


I am not one of those ‘pretty boys’ but I took my share of cuts at the plate, so to speak. So I told her what I thought about her ‘extra time’ and how I compressed what I felt. Penance, I told her. I owed something to someone somewhere. So I figured I would get it done and over with. But enough is enough, and since what ever happened, happened (just like Nebraska is in Nebraska, apparently what ever was ‘running extra’ has similarly expired … FAIR PLAY). I told her that just because I want ‘magic’ in my relationship, it doesn’t meanthat I am willing to be fooled or blind to achieve it. HUGE DIFFERENCE. Relationships have there highs and floating moments. But they also give Academy Awards to the people who work in front of the director but not the camera.

What ever it is that I want, I am more than willing to work for it. Hard. And hard work doesn’t hold any fear over me.

So she is tired of talking and hearing about what is and isn’t. Fine. I am tired of explain it to her. I told her that this isn’t anything more than a objective discussion for me now, because this WILL NOT happen again. I want to know what I missed in you, so that I don’t make this mistake again.

… while you make pretty speeches …

Didn’t come to a definitive conclusion, but hey, looking at some of the comments that I have received, should this journal be accurate, it would appear that others have seen the ‘writing on the wall’. But I think one person who left a comment, mentioned that they felt that we were similar in that we seem to both be of the mind to give all that we could in a relationship. Schoepanuer said something along the lines that it takes a measure of intelligence to handle pain, and that the greatest suffering comes with the highest levels of intelligence (it’s written down, I just looked at it, but don’t feel like finding it this moment). And I hurt sorta bad right about now.

What does this all mean? I can tell you straight away, that I am going to smooth some concrete over some of this mess. Unless my ticket wins the lottery, I have to get some money together! That is just to get me back to Detroit, much less anywhere else. As to ‘anywhere else’, again let’s be honest there Mark, are you going to be able to ‘be comfortable’ somewhere else? Sure, you have memories of places, but there is a whole lot of Texas between Lubbock and Galveston, you think there is going to be enough to keep you from getting in a jam in new environs? And I like my therapist (who btw, wants me to wait out until spring!! It is MUCH cold out there!! ) my doctor … Nebraska already gigged my about my grill, and I like my dentist too! I think you have to be a ‘club member’ to understand the importance of feeling comfortable with you health care providers. But I DID jump out of perfectly fine helicopters with nothing on the line but a pair of silver wings and a parachute …

… so I know I can do this. But geez, do I have to? Dag!


lv2trnscrb said...

I agree with you,Mark, about keeping journals anonymous like you are doing but still being able to write your feelings; I don't think if I came to where you lived, I would be able to find you with the info you post in your entries, i.e. no distinct landmarks, etc; that's how I'm doing my journal this time too because you are right, lots of people read this and you have no idea their intent

I'm sure you will do what is right for your life/relationships but make sure it is the right time for you all ways around


mpnaz58 said...

Consider all of your options, weigh them carefully, have a plan...wherever that leads you, you take you with you.  You can leave where you live, the city you're in, Mookie, but you can never leave yourself.  Oh, we are a work in process, an ever evolving persona of who we want to be, but there is always the core of who we are.  To thine ownself be true...always!
xoxo ~Myra

rdautumnsage said...

I believe I also said , I've since learned that in order for a relationship to work, it had to be an even givend. You give so much , without anything in return your left running on empty. I have confidence whatever you set out to do, you will move on with a measure of grace. Someone onces said "home is where the heart is"...In other words wherever you are , it's home. (Hugs) Indigo

toonguykc said...

I might be way WAY out of line here -- but it sounds like you are putting more thought and consideration into the relationship with Mookie than she is willing to accept let alone reciprocate.  Just an impression...and I'm notorious for wrong interpretations/impressions


P.S.  I always thought "O dark thirty" was something my family came up with.  I guess it's universal...damn.  

unique7882 said...

Hey Mark....its just my opinion and I know I haven't been a long time reader to know much more about you and Mookie, but it really seems like you trying to get something from her that just isn't there.
You seem like a very nice guy who deserves a lot more consideration, appreciation and attention that what Mookie seems to provide you with.
If I was your BFF (as you put it), I'd be helping you pack so you could high tell it out of there. But I always understand you can't rush matters such as those when you have all that you to deal with and concern yourself with, such as your health.
Wishing you the best man...