Yesterday I finished my first crossword puzzle in over 3 years. The signigicance of this accomplishment cannot be understated. I have taken pleasure in crosswords for many, many years. But I would find out that there are different ways of 'giving up'. And by not finding time to do the daily puzzle, I found another way of giving in to the things that affect me.
I was trying to re-establish myself, the cat that I know and love. I want to be able to do the things that bring me joy and make me feel whole. Whatever it was that got me away from my habits, I need to stare down, nose to nose and deal with them. That I sometimes struggle with getting my mind in gear had me 'too busy' for puzzles. That was a denial mechanism. I didn't want to find out that I had lost what made me, me.
Now I was already determined to make my stand on reading. Here was another. It is a New Year, and sometimes you don't necessarily have to do something 'new' for the sake of its newness. Sometimes 'new' can mean doing something that you know to be right and good for you, and giving it a higher priority.
This will be my year. It is written, so let it be done!
So Sunday, with the Saturday Freep classifieds staring at me, I picked them up, and opened to the puzzle. Because the solution isn't printed until Monday, the weekend puzzle was still 'in play'. Looking at the grid, I felt myself floating in time and space ...Saturday mornings in Royal Oak, eating Astoria cookies and sipping coffee in Starbucks solving the clues, lying on a blanket in the park with My Delta Girl, she listening to jazz with her feet up reading, and me with my brow furrowed over clues, or the long plane flight to Seoul, full of soldiers going overseas for duty. Puzzle moments all.
At first, looking at the empty grid made my eyes water. Then I thought about the book. Even though it has taken me longer than I expected, I promised myself that I would hack my way through it. So I hunkered over the puzzle, and got to solving.
The pen felt light (I don't like pencil as I write with my left hand. The smudges from my hand dragging over the paper bother me) and then the words started to come to me. That is a relativething as the Saturday puzzle in the Freep is the week's hardest. There have been some that were all day efforts. But this one, just sort of came to me, and it was over in about two hours. So I felt really good about myself!
WHY I AM WORRIED
I have an older cousin who played high school football when I was a boy. Now my cousing was THE MAN in high scool, making all-city and all-state. When he went to D-I, a Big Ten school, he was still The Man, not all caps, but still you knew who he was. He went on to the pros and played very well, doing Pro Bowls and even was on a Super Bowl winner as a key contributor.
Back then, I wanted to be a football player. He would arrange for me to be at a few of his games and even some practices. I would always cheer for him, even when he went to college.
Ohio State.
I didn't care about where I was from, I knew I wanted my cousin's team to win. Back then, with Archie Griffin and Rod Gerald, it seemed like they won a lot! I stayed a Buckeye fan through Art Schlitier (my personal fave, other than cuz, Ohio State player) all the way up until right this very second. So I am 'worried' because I want my Buckeyes to win the National Title game!!
Finally, coming home on the bus, because I caught a flat on the way home from my appointment, a couple of 'club members', He and She get on the bus. They are reg'lars on this route, and have a familiarity with the bus driver. She is in a wheel chair and as the driver straps her chair in, I notice the trim on her white sneaks are re-, er, scarlet and gray. Buckeye colors. I mention this and point to my Ohio State hoodie. My response was: Cue the chirping crickets.
Alrighty then. The drive has his small personal radio on. A song that I later identified as being by Beyonce comes on, and I ask He if he knows who makes it. His curt reply was along the lines of, "I am too busy with other things to listen to music." Fine, but a simple "No", would have accomplished the same thing. Why do people go out of their way to be rude?
Since They have a rapport with the bus driver, I sit and listen to him share his country music song worthy story of woe. I have wondered if THIS is an element missing in my life, that I don't share my problems with people, that I don't talk about my troubles.
But one of the things that I didn't like about last year was all the whining that I did in my journal about my failing relationship. It isn't that by not 'talking' about my problems isn't helpful. When they come up, I will. But the constant mewling, hey, that really isn't me. The kind of self-flaggellation that He was doing with the bus driver as witness, isn't me.
I know, denial isn't just a river in Egypt (or a strip club in Dee-troit!). But the constant whining ... ENOUGH! That isn't my style. It doesn't live within me.
So change isn't always about doing something new. It is also about rediscovery, and being not just who you want to be, but who you are.
Stuff come up, especially if I need to remember it, I am going to write about it. But other than that, the stuff I need to do, that is an action ...
... and I am all over what I need to do ..!
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