Tuesday, January 8, 2008

... man, I am sooo tired ..!

Sitting here, I am just worn to a frazzle.  Between the grocery gathering and getting my bike repaired and getting around to just be right here, right now, has me pooped!

Fatigue Makes Cowards Of Men ...

I don't take consensus when it comes time for me to do something.   I am not one to waffle and I don't enjoy being hesitant.  That is part of why when the times comes for change, I think that time is always 'now', in the moment that you realize that you got to do something different.

Being as worn out as I am today physically, my mind is tired, too.  So that means the 'mental' body is weary and vunerable to all manner of random thoughts that could reshape my attitude.

I had came in from shopping, lugging $140 worth of groceries on a too small bike from the bus stop which is a quarter mile from the house.  I was able to use my feet to push the bike as I 'rode' with the groceries.  Get to the house, put the groceries away.  Then I looked at my bike, and decided to go on and repair it.  I had bought two tires for the bike at the store where I did my shopping. 

So I gather up the tires and the rims and ride them to QD, and try to 'flip' the tires, putting the inner tube and tire that was flat together, and then chaging the other non-flat tire.  The tires I bought have a different tread, and that is why I had to 'fix' the non flat tire.  What ever it was, I couldn't get everything co-ordinated.  I had wanted to do it myself, because I knew that I should be able to do it myself.  Wasn't happening.  Gathered my gear, and went across the highway to the bike shop, where the reg'lar guy there went ahead and did the thing for me.

Leaving, he noticed my gait.  He asked if there was anything wrong, and I told him no, but I am tired.  I also explained that medically I was fine, and had just spoken at length with my MD about my condition.  Satisfied, we bid adieu, and I made it back to the house.

But the bike cat's query made me think of being in Chicago and meeting Nebraska.  I had told her that I was on social security, but that there wasn't anything immediately noticeable about my disability.  When I got her 'review' of our time together, she said she noticed right away.  So since then, I made a note of it to ask my doctor's to find out if they feel there is anything to that.

Because I chalk things up to being 'tired' or 'unmotivated' doesn't mean that is the real reason something is happening.  I am not so proud or egoistic that if someone says something about me, particularly if I am unaware of it, that I am going to let my feelings get so hurt that I don't make any corrections.

Nebraska gave me less than stellar reviews.  Oof.  I know what happened for me, did not happen for her.  In fact, I don't know what she hoped was going to happen.  But because it DID for me, I do feel bad.  I wish that I could have been more present for her then. 

I knew that the trip was going to ask a lot of me.  Not only was I no longer 'buckling swashes', I hadn't for the better part of a decade been 'that guy'.  They say that picking up something that you used to do well is like riding a bike ... you never forget.  But dag, didn't I fall a bunch when I started to ride full time again?  Nervous, apprehensive, I went on and met the woman of my dreams, and then a few days later, watch her ride out of my life ...

Like I said, it wasn't magic for her.  I am not even sure if she doesn't consider meeting me a 'loss'.  But it was super kung-fu mega special for me, a top ten lifetime event.  The reason that I am sharing this, is to see if I do have an ego, if I do feel the disappointment that other's feel when things that they have high hopes for, don't quite reach the clouds ...

... and it really isn't in me.  Part of what made my marriage fail, is my first wife's insistence at trying to 'get to me'.  Crying, being hurt, that is for closets and for long, lonely walks in the woods.  Like the cat on the bus telling the driver his problems ... 'hey, keep your problems to yourself, cause dude, I got my own ..!'

But hey, I do understand.  I am a wonderful listener.  Will let you get it ALL out ... but at some point and time, I am going to go 'Dr. Phil' on you, and ask, 'How's that workin' for you?' After all, if it isn't working for you, why are you doing it?

Dag ... I really did want to feel a little sorry for myself ... but even after getting my review, and seeing that it was a 'C' at best, I went ahead and adjusted my 'satisfaction rate' from 97.3% to 96.7% ...

... and concentrate on being better if I did manage a 'do over'!

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