... confused ... but that's a GOOD THING ...

I wanted to start out in another direction ... I think that I am going to take today 'off' from training ... but I may end up getting in a walk or something ... I like working out and being fit ... it isn't an ego thing, as being in good shape has never mattered where it counts for me ... it is just my 'comfort food' ...

Like I said, I was going in one direction when I signed on ... but I got an e-mail from a lifelong friend, Hutch.  He had written me I think on Sunday night and I replied.  In his last note, he mentioned that it was the clearest e-mail he had recieved in quite some time.  That is why I lost track of where I was headed ... that made me feel really good ..!

Part of my struggles with being honest with my condition is that people overreact when I tell them.  I spoke with my therapist about it, about being direct in letting people know who are close to me about what is going on.  Of course, those who love me still do, and mostly treat me like 'Mark' ... but again, I don't want to be pretending for the sake of having my self esteem in tact.

Around November <yes Nebraska ... after meeting you ..!> I decided to go on and take more control of my own life.  The year before, I really tried to insert myself into Mookie's and lil' Mook's life ... this time last year, I figured I need to show more of a committment to this relationship ...

I was running out of gas before the late summer ... I couldn't figure out what to do, because things weren't changing.  And I mean that literally.  They didn't get too bad, but they were never clearly all good.  Then August came, and darkness fell.

REPITION SAVES LIVES

One of the positives that I am feeling from the observations made of me, is that I tend to repeat things, in spirit, or verbatim, thoughts and theory.  I keep telling myself that it is from two powerful experience - my start as an amateur boxer, where the phrase was - The 5 P's... Proper Preparation Prevents Poor Performance, was introduced to me, and the 'Repition' from my military experience.  Redundancy isn't always a sign of anything, other than the importance of the subject.  The more you hear something, maybe the more attention should be paid, you know?

SLIM FAST COMMERCIAL

It is too bad that being a size 9 or 10 has such a bad connotation for women.  I prefer fuller women.  I used to joke with my first wife when I would visit Skye that I bet she isn't pushing around 'new Mark' ( yes, her 2nd husband was named Mark) because he was bigger than me!  When my first wife and I got hooked up, so was she!

So I am looking at the telly, and I am doing the viewing thing, and then I thought ... wait, if the television puts on size, then these 'big girls' really aren't that big ... I wonder what size, what weight are they?  So if they are about 150 -155 lbs, why is that considered big?  Even the girl in the ad on the AOL welcome screen ... she isn't what I would call 'big' ...  I don't know when or why the anoerixic look came in ... I liked to look of women in the 50's ... Jane Mansfield kinds of lassies ... Pam Grier in the 70's ... these were not 'little' women ...

What happened?  Where was I at when the decision was made to pursue waifs and nymphs?  I did not get that memo ...

That to me, has been as big a problem in my challenge to find a lifepartner ... women still are dealing with chavaunistic ideals that are put upon them by men.  To me, that a 5'7 140lbs girl would want to lose weight is laughable.  Not because it is funny, but because if she was a guy, she would be a light welterweight (think Floyd Mayweather Jr.) ...

That is a LITTLE GUY ... why isn't that 'little' for a girl?

Size 8 ... 10 ... even a 14 ... I don't know what is wrong with any of that ... unfortunately, they do, or are at least believing what they are told about being that size.  And I think that this 'pre-creates' conflict for me.  A lassie sees me, fairly fit, and still engaged in exercise and (trying to ) eat balanced meals, and all sorts of negative stuff come into their minds.  I feel that gets stuff going and working ... adding an unnecessary stress, a hidden flaw, that becomes a problem in another area of the relationship...

Not going to do too much as far as fitness ... taking a break.  I have been physically tired the past few days, and my body wants a rest.  If I was still active, I would just push thru this 'false fatigue', but I am not.  Take a break, get back on the horse tomorrow ..!