... okay, either she is cheating, or I am finally right about someone ... listening to "Come See Me" by Jill Scott ... and wondering how concerned she really is ... it is kind of a chunk of processing going on in my mind ...
... I can hear every word of this song coming out of her mouth ... and I can feel our relationship eventually living up to them as well ...
... does she really want to be overwhelmed ..?
... now, let ME come back down to earth ... remembering that I have had my questions about whether or not Dionne was going to go the distance or not for quite some time now, Nebraska keeps trying to warn me off, worried that she is a cause of my disatisfation ... and it is that kind of concern that has been missing in my life ... for a long time ... not since college and I had to tell Ivory that, "... there is NO crying in boxing", when I fought that 300lb guy who was absolutely DESTROYING folks in the Toughman Competition ... he just didn't know how badly I needed that money ..! I would have had to leave school ..!
... okay, got away from the point a bit ... but her concern and yes, HER AFFECTIONS <she doesn't love me ... not yet at least ..!> is in some ways throwing me off my mark ... for the oddest reason ...
... can't say that I ever thought that anyone would have what I consider a working understanding of how I think ... for much of my adult relationships, it has been the 'old dog, new trick' problem ... with me being the 'new trick' ... for instance ... Jill has now morphed into Canadian Indie Pop band "Hot, Hot, Heat" and while they aren't on Jill's level <just her and Morrissey can move my archiect>, I like them a lot ...
... for the average sister-girlfriend, it is a bit of a stretch ... which is why when I feel a relationship is starting to develop, I give them the caveat to let me be when I have <what is to them> a 'mood' ... solioquy about the Military-Industrial complex and lack of historical understanding about the situation in Iraq ... taking a seemingly innocuus commercial and making it a railing against its subliminal meaning <faster money my arse ..! THERE IS NO SUCH THING ..!> ...
... one of the brief moments that stuck from our get together ... is that she genuinely wanted to listen to music that I like ... I could only imagine that was because she wanted to try to get into me ... wow, how is THAT for a twist ... someone trying into get me as opposed to me getting into them ... instead of casting me off as some mixed up brother ... <this Hot, Hot, Heat cd is GOOD ...> I wish that I hadn't been so nervous ... and when was the last time THAT happened ..? Me, nervous around a woman ... didn't think that it was still possible ...
... and she is who we think she is ...
... I know what I know ... what I don't know is if I will ever get the chance to get there ... Nebraska fears for me, is ... how can I say it ... sweet and cute come to mind ... She can't comprehend that someone can actually feel what I claim ... you know what, that is a kick ..! Because I never known anyone to do what she did to meet me ...
... save myself ...
... I remember telling her that she has the experience in meeting people that she has met online ... though I have a foggy recollection of running into some chick from RO in RO ... I hadn't met anyone I had connected with online ... and i have NEVER had anyone do anything remotely close to what she did just to meet me ...
... but I have done it myself ... but I knew where I was going ...
... in some ways, it took play away from me ... so I tried to let it play out like that ... it was her play ... and she took it ... I let myself go, and rode as she essentially drove the weekend ... I wonder if I had been at full strength, would that have made a positive difference ... don't know and I don't care, I don't care, I don't care ...
Yes, there IS a light ...
... okay, this is my personal mythology come to life ... I can only do what it is I do, because what more can I do ..? In many ways, my hands are tied ... for while I am open to change and consider my personal philosophy to be malleable, there are some core things that I don't want to change ... so if willfulness put me in a precarious situation ... then so be it ... if something works for a person, it can't be changed from the outside ... the individual has to make the change ...
... so as Dionne's ways work for her ... as Nebraska's style does fine in Omaha ... there is no good reason for me to change what works for me, is there ..?
... and that is what I thought ...
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