... it is windy like when Kansas

It’s a Starbucks Monday ..!

Geared up early … started with my ‘floor exercises’ and then showered up, and got in the wind ..!

Overall, I give today a B - B plus. It could have been an A day if I hadn’t bought so much junk to put into my belly … especially since some of it was redundant. Got what I need to get done accomplished and I feel good having made through the day without any problems.

Went to the East Lansing library today … for some reason, I felt like I was riding from Scott Hall across Market Street to UNCG … NO GOOD REASON … but if the weather wasn’t so frosty, I may have thought exactly that … I think that happens when I am ‘in discontent’ and my mind tries to place me somewhere not only familiar, but where I was happy.

Could be why that girl on the bus made me think of Nebraska …

I want to get my personal schedule down so that I can do what I need to. From wake up to lights out, and I aim to stick to it. Not only do I need to build up, I also need to see how well I function operating on my own. Don’t want to be walking out of the house without my pants on (uh, that IS a meataphor ..!)

Just had a discussion with Mookie about Imus … despite whatever else that I have misfiring, I can let you know what I think about things, with a clear and concise voice. But on this particular topic, I have countervailing opinion as to was his punishment strong enough. Not only in my opinion, was he not ‘punished’, I don’t see why anyone was given to so much distress about his comments.

We do ourselves FAR WORSE than he did. In fact, I would not be surprised if there wasn’t the thought of black women basketball players as being just that. If anything, the way that they represented themselves in the face of the publicity was rebuttal enough. That was where it should have stayed. But by making such a hulabaloo for the relatively short period of time that the controversy had legs, along with the mumbled admission of how hypocritical it was of black people as far as the use of the words, his INEVITABLE return to the air does more harm than not knocking him off would have.

Now we see the harm that we do to ourselves as black people. Because not only have we done worse to ourselves, we do worse without recourse, and as long as there is a profit to be made, we will be willing to sell ourselves out. Yeah, we forced himout, but his return illustrates our impotency in the managing of our image to others. Makes me think of ‘Smokey’, in the first ‘Friday’s’ movie … “Big Worm say be quiet … I shut up. But when he leaves, I be talkin’ again!”

It makes me think of why I didn’t go see any of the ‘Big Mamma’ movies, and why I dismissed Eddie Murphy’s shining for the white folk and coon’s in the films, ‘The Klumps’ and ‘Norbit’. I find him to be a purveyor of self loathing. I don’t know him to really say that, but how much love for your people is reflected in how you portray them. Me, I like full figured women almost to the point of exclusivity. So I can’t see plopping my money to watch someone make of fool of a simile of the woman I AM LOOKING TO SLEEP WITH. So that counted me out of those obvious slanderous films from the jump.

Not everyone shares that view … suffered through a DVD of ‘Norbit’ … and must listen to characterizations … I wonder if they know that they are degrading themselves …

Darn … off message again … okay, breath and re-orient …

During the morning wash up, had a moment that recycles in my life from time to time. I am thinking of my Mother, and some of her life’s choices. One of them being at some point in her fairly young life, she decided that she wasn’t going to have a man in her life.

Me & My Brother

I have always known that my Pops wasn’t my father. I became aware of this early in my life, and it was never a conscious issue, as when I called him to be with me for Dad & Son stuff, he found his way to me. When I would fight, if he could be there, he was. When I needed help or even a place to stay, he provided. So I never had any question about needing or wanting to find my birth father. Might could, if I pressed my Aunt, but why? My Mom never saw fit to tell me … I NEVER had a reason to ask. Denial? Could be, but I already knew … it wasn’t until the rise of ‘Oprah’ that I even really questioned if I needed to know or not …

… Not.

I say this because when I graduated Basic training, both My Ma and my Dad were there to see me off … when I won my first big amateur fight in that cauldron of predjudice outside of Detroit, they both were there …

…when I met and wanted to marry someone who was obviously the wrong girl, didn’t my Mom tell me I was just ‘whipped’ <and she didn’t say it like that, she said it like a MAN would have> … and when she would throw me out of the house, who came <at least the first couple of times> took me in …

… so I never once felt obliged to cry that ‘single parent’ crap. I do feel a responsibility to my Mom, and I think that I let her down being the oldest and falling so far short of my potential. Game is still on, and I can still manage to get a book out of me yet! Not to mention I got KT, Lexxie and Vanilla Sky to manage ..!

When my brother answered his call, I did feel that I should share with our sisters, that it was the two of us, not any of the girls, who weren’t a full member of the family. Not only were we half related, my brother and I were half related to each other! So where am I going with this ..?

My Mom had some big hopes for all of us, which is why our paths are removed from what you would expect given our background. One of them was ice skating. She really liked it, and though there are plenty ‘us folk’ doing the skiing and ice skating and golf … my Mom had me doing Tiger Woods while he was but a gleam in the eye, and the oldest girl was doing Debi Thomas before Debi did it ..!

The one gaping difference between me and my brother came on the ice. Detroit is many things, but it has ALWAYS been a hockey town, and original 6 city. Since she had us at Jack Adams skating, I wanted to see and do what the other kids <didn’t matter that they were white … they were just kids, another influence of my Mom> were doing, and that was playing hockey.

… but when we got to the rink early, the little girls would occasionally practice figure skating. And my brother loved the Ice Capades and whatever else that would come to town on ice. So our paths diverged …

Being the oldest and thrust into that uncomfortable role, meant I had to take my share of bullies, and having a ‘sugary’ brother < Lynda Carter ..? No, he WAS Diana Prince … Ms. Piggy too … and please, don’t get me started about the show ‘Fame’ ..!> made sure that I was gonna catch some smoke!

For all the heat that I took, he caught the fire itself. He couldn’t go to school when I started to get older, because with being in the Army and away, there wasn’t anyone to fight for him. He never did well as it was, dealing with people screwing with him, and if being gay is hard now, can you imagine in the mid 80’s and AIDS making it’s appearance first as GRID ..?

So when I call him the sweetest boy I know, it is because that is how he was. I never saw him get angry enough to hurt someone, even in retaliation, not even in self-defense. Yet when it came to someone defending him, and since bullies travel in packs, whenever me or my Army sis had to step to his front …

….he made sure he had our back. I don’t think I knew anyone who was as giving as he was. Oh, there are people who are, but he is the only one I ever knew that had such an altruistic heart. I like to think that I would make a big sacrifice for another; that thinking played a part in my decision to join the service. But my brother … my brother …

As much as I miss my Mom … I have to miss him at least as much. I have my share of things to answer for, like my girls and why I didn’t stick it out for them … but my brother … I am glad and fortunate to have had the chance to kiss him like I did when he was a baby, and let him know that I was ready to take care of him to the highest levels of my ability.

I wish that I could have done everything that I did for him when he was born … it would have been such a beautiful experience for me to be a part of his world and his life …

I have always been a watcher of people and it would have been a sheer joy to watch his friends come and go and laugh. He meant so much to so many different people. I ache for him …