Dealing ...

... but they're close ..!

I got a rare comment from a reader in my email.  Something that I mentioned in a previous entry inspired him to make changes in his 'about me' page.  I wonder what it was ...

His comment made me pause ... I am a little tired of being so self centered.  The cat is dealing with a great loss that apparently occurred at this time of the year, maybe it was last year.  Remembering that I started this to sort out my thoughts after my world had stopped spinning from my Mom's transition, I decided that today's entry was going to be a 'gotta get back into this thing' kind of entry.

The similarity between my and my brother is clear to me, not so much to people who can't look beyond the surface.  He was tall, slender, dark, handsome and gay ... me, not so much tall, and until I spent my first summer in South Carolina, not so dark.  Slender only when I used to imagine being a tall lightweight or rangy welterweight, and I wouldn't say I am handsome ...

But his transition, like when my Mom made hers, was a period of aloness.  And like when Mom had to leave, I find myself struggling with Nolan's leaving ...

I am going to repeat myself, because I use the scene in the first 'Men In Black' movie, where Will Smith's character learns that Tommy Lee Jones' once had a life, and was snatched up to be a MIB.  The Fresh Pr-- er, Will Smith sees a picture of Tommy's life and his wife, and says, "It's better to have loved and lost than not at all."

Tommy replies in that steely grim way that he seems to have patented, "Oh yeah, YOU try it ...".  That is essentially how I feel right now, dealing with so many seemingly unrelated concepts in my mind ...

The contrast between the two events doesn't lessen their impact individually or in total.  I still call upon my Mom, to help me out.  I drop in from time to time that I could have been a better son for her.  I am still pluggin' away, still trying to find my way.  But when NOLAN had to go ...

There is a certain responsibility that he took on that I didn't.  I was never the man my family needed, and he stepped up and filled that space.  Thinking about the love and sacrifice that he made, that I saw him make in my brief stops back to the Motor, has left me with a feeling that I have to fill that hole, some kind of way.

I wonder how I am doing so far?

One of the things I want to work on, is truly being selfless with the ones that I love.  Both Geraldine and Nolan found ways out of no way to show up in the lives and efforts of my sisters.  Yeah, they are grown and the babies not only aren't babies, they have families themselves!  I don't know if they need me to flit through their lives, but I miss them, and if it is okay, I would like to get to know them.

Rita I know less about, but that was a sibling rivalry kind of thing.  Still, I think she has a space that was left by Nolan, because I remember growing up how much she depended upon him.  I don't think that changed too much, and I wonder how she is doing by herself.  The babies got their wanderlust from me, Rita not so much.  I just want to check on her, to let her know that she isn't alone ...

... for my 'new' big sister <cause she IS older than me ..!> it would be nice if we did develop a friendship.  If both me Mum and me brother found their way to liking her, then I should too ... after all, I married her once!  I know two people who manage a relationship with former spouses ... why can't I ..?

... Interpol has went off ... Morrissey's version of 'Cosmic Dancer' is on ... I think of my Nolan, starting off relatively late in his competitive skating, but refusing to be denied ...

... this is going to be a 'gotta get back into this' week ..!