Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Definition ...

nigel -ed,-ing <v> to be doing in a natural fashion; he is just nigeling his way through school; behaving unobtrusievly and without notice; I just nigeled my way past the crowds; from a song by XTC, 'Making Plans For Nigel'

I apporpriated that song when I was a kid to describe how I felt, smothering in the alienation that was my tweens and teenage years.  Whether it is true or not, I have often felt like my way of doing things is so far beyond the pale, that people feel the need to let me know that I can't do what it is I am trying or attempting to do. 

What they really mean is, that they wish that they had the nerve to at least try to do what I am attempting.  So when I first heard the song 'Making Plans For Nigel', I took it as a message to me.  Looking at the lyrics now, I guess you can make it like maybe he is a 'special needs' cat, and they are letting him roam around under supervision!  But I have always taken it to say that God and his angels understand that Nigel is a nice bloke, who just does what he does and how he does it.

And he is happy in his work.  That is pretty simple.  I like the way that I go about things, good or bad, just like Nigel.  I had a decent day, managing to sit through the opening of gifts and getting my holiday phone calls, and managing X-Mas with the family.  What has worn upon me lately is this feeling of alienation.  My Mom told me that I do that on my own, and she prolly was right.  That is why I went out with the girls to the family gathering.  I didn't mind when two of her sisters followed us to the house and sat for a spell.

It wasn't until later in the evening, when I got ready for bed.  Lying there, wondering when Mookie would make it and what would happen when she did ... and as you can see, I am down here ... not that it is an accurate sign, but it is a leading indicator that we didn't 'celebrate' Christmas in any other fashion.  Man, do I need a drink ..!

So I log on, and ol' Nebraska is on.  I do what I do, send a couple of emails ... she is preoccupied, and that was cool as I did my surfing thing ... but she said something that gave me pause ...

Has anyone ever called you cheesy? You lay shit on too thick sometimes.
... why yes, yes there has been times people have rolled their eyes at my lavish words ... and ..?
Could be time for modification though.  If there is anything that I think that I am getting in this relationship that I am currently in, is that there may be a finite amount to what people can accept and respond to ... Mookie has tuned me out ... though I am caring what she thinks, it is a means to and end ... I don't want to get put out, not just yet.  Yet one of the learning experiences that I have gotten is that yes, perhaps there is a too nice, a too sweet and thoughtful as well.  One of the reasons I am sitting here, is that I don't feel appreciated or that my needs or wants even matter. 
I am trying to still care, and I think I care enough.  By 'care' I mean enough not to raise things to an alert status.  I keep on with my regular routine, no frills.  I clean and I cook and parent.  But there are some things that I won't do, and since I have long since said I won't, I don't think that my obstaincy would cause any further problems.
Modification of my own behaviour ... I guess I should look into changing more than what I have on deck ... we will see ... I have always thought that false character would be uncovered ... but as Courtney Love once sang, "I fake it so real  that I am beyond fake' ...
... the thought of doing this make my stomach turn ... better get used to it ... the journey is measured by the trip itself, not the destination ...

1 comment:

toonguykc said...

Thanks for stopping by my demons journal -- it led me to yours.  I should probably go back and read your archives to "get" you better -- I see two things right away:  1.  You write very well.  2.  You have awesome taste in music.

(XTC's "Oranges and Lemons" is one of my favorite CDs.)