… what IS the scan …?
I cain’t call it y’all..! It is as though I am in a fog < not the one that I am always in … this is much denser and damp … has a feel to it that is nerve-wracking> of emotions. I need to be doing something … oh yeah, whew! I said it will be cool to be like this until the end of the month. December is a different story.
Mookie Dee seems to be picking up something. Afraid to ask or unsure of what to start a conversation with, she is on egg-shells … maybe … or I could be absolutely correct and she doesn’t care enough to do anything. What is unmistakable is that she does notice something.
Looking at my mess, I just have to be patient. Make sure that I get up and go see about finding a job. Getting some extra money in will be a double bonus. Not to mention make plans to go to Detroit and have my child support issues squared off. That will free up SOMETHING … how much, I don’t know.
Then there is Nebraska … have absolutely no idea what is going on with her. I figure to shoot her a final round, and then wait to see what happens with that. She has played things cool up until now. Then for some reason, she went bonkers today. Don’t know if this is part of her character <remember, you were married to an incendiary device> of if she is dealing with pressures that I don’t know about. She has seemed so cool and in control that I have been under the impression that I am the ‘struck’ one, talking of how I feel and my hopes becoming real in her. Don’t know if she finds herself believing <falling would be a better word, but in the context, it could be misconstrued> that I am the one and she finds a little more of herself in “There Is A Light …” then she has shared with me.
I have talked about going into my “Light Infantry” mode … time to make it a reality. Preparation is the most important thing, as I will only get one chance to get things right. Can’t let my nerves get me going, because I can get things done, and have plenty of time to do it … no more theory, more action.
Going back to when this first became a palpable thing and not just a feeling, I remember thinking that I could be getting set then … but I stood down and waited things out. Should have known that whatever changes were temporary, if for no other reason than my back child support eating up all my money, finally! So from having a parachute, I find myself clinging to a ledge. Don’t like that feeling, and this is the reaction to my discomfort. I guess I could explore solutions beyond those that I have already looked into. But geez, keeping up the front that I have been is draining physically as well as mentally. Tired, tired, and tired. I am worn out from having to manifest to be a part of someone else’s world, and not to have them return the favor. Reciprocation is going to be a big part of the next part of my life. Along with its twin, Respect, those are deciding factors for me.
Why ponder life’s complexities …
This dust up with Nebraska convinces me of at least one thing, if nothing else … That I have to regain my confidence <or as the kids say … ‘my swag’>, and ACT as though what I hope for, isn’t a ‘hope’ but an ‘expectation’ and live my dreams as they are to be realized. Still to far out to make a target just yet … but it is out there. What I do know, and what I can expect to happen has to be what I judge things on … this uncertainty and, dare I say it, fear will undo my hopes.
Repeating certain things as a mantra is cool, because it severs all, or nearly all of the purposes I would have it accomplished. It keeps me on target as well as being sufficiently mysterious enough to leave people in the dark. It is more important that I understand what I am saying and what I am doing. Whatever changes that are going to occur, I must not expect any help … I will have to be the instrument of the change.
Will wait until after the New Year to find out what Mookie Dee’s intentions are. How much depth our conversation has, is going to be up to her. Right now, I vacillate between her being open for talk and instituting change and my own wanderlust. Like the song says it is getting to the point where, “what he left he hadn’t valued, half as much as the things he never did …”