Wednesday, February 2, 2005

... losing more ground ...

Lessee ... I do want to say something, but everything is so jumbled up ... AKA was supposed to have called yesterday, but as far as I can tell, never did that ... spoke to SD at work today, and she said she'd call tonight ... man, my head is so far up my butt, I don't know where my rear ends and my neck begins ...

So, it must be true ... you live to make the same mistakes over again, until you have learned the lesson ... and that is what is occuring here ... Mookie, lil' Mook, aren't too dissimilar from my ex wife and her daughter in the roles they occupy in my life ... but the biggest difference that I can see in the situations is my personal outlook ... with my ex wife, I still had hopes, still had dreams ... now, I don't, and I think that it is showing ...

... music means a whole heck of a lot to me ... I remember when I really felt this particular cd, after I had seen the video being played at the Foot Locker in the Fairlane Town Center in what, '96 ... I had bought the cd from a music club, and just had it ... it wasn't until I saw the funky video that I really dug it ... I told the guy working, who was grooving to the cd, that it was a French crew, and they were funky like that for real ... needless to say, that I did not know at the time if that was true or not, but the song 'Cassius1999 Remix' is a buoyant song for me ... or at least has been ...

... right now, I am so conflicted and confused ...this provincial town has been a dismal experiment, after being unable to find work ... and I really can't explain that ... I look normal and employable, don't I ..? I do think that is a big part of it, the look ... see, I do think that racism is alive and well, and occupies a place near and dear to the people that gives the interviews ...

... I just don't understand how I could have known what I knew about my last job, and still muffed it ... I knew what I risked ... and so I suffer ... and so I suffer ...

... SD does still feel for me, but I wonder how deeply she feels for me now ... I don't know if I want to know, at least not now ... what I really need to do, is to get over myself, and find my way out of the mess I am in ... just a job cleaning floors would help, but I couldn't even get that job ... after being interview by Wanda, the trailor woman ... that has been the most insulting part of not finding work, that the interviews have gone well, and I feel they have went swimingly, but for some reason, I don't get the call...

... and if you aren't from the provinicial town, you may not really understand, but there aren't too many employed brothers walking around in offices or anything, if you are feelin' me ... so that is part of why I am longing for Detroit ...


 

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