Cast of Thousands ...
...so, you wanna know who it is I am referring to, and what their relationship is to me ..? well, here goes ...
Mookie Dee ... is a girl that I dated originally back in 89 -'90 , and I am her true love ...
... that part really blows my mind ... and it isn't egoism at play here ... SHE told me ... and this is very new for me, as it has ALWAYS been me with the sensation of finding that perfect person, and I had to mold and shape myself around to their desires ...
... Mook has been wonderful, and is super supportive ... and she puts up with me and my funny ways <such as this computer and playstation!!>, which is a big thing considering that I don't have a job, and the bills are piling high ... it has been a strain on her, but she toils without much complaint ... she DOES seem full emotionally ... she has her truest and dearest of loves, a wonderfully adjusted daughter, and a man <er, that is me!!> who dotes on her and her daughter ... we are a cute nuclear family ...
... that is, if I stay ... something isn't right here, and this is beyond my looking back towards where I came, wishing that I had my life back ... and my yearnings to be with SD ... but this isn't what this entry is supposed to be about ...
... right now, my perculating mind, is conjuring up a vision of a future for me ... and though there are several possibilities, the one that calls to me, will entail some diabolical manchinations ... such as leaving Mookie holding the basket ...
... I live with so many regrets, that one more isn't going to kill me <but Mookie might!! LOL!!!> and I do think that what I intend to reach for is worth it and will be the best choice for me ...
... it is sad, as much as I mean to Mookie, that she is ever my consolation prize ... but as sweet as she is, and pretty and thoughtful, that is what she is to me ... and for that, I feel for her ...
... and Lil' Mook doesn't need to be a party to this kind of garbage ... she is thinking that she has a step something or other in me ... and while I am here ... she does ...
... but as time goes on <becaue this is going to be a process ... not a 'wham bammer' ...> we will become closer and she will of course become older ... so she will begin to make some kind of abstract constructs from the household relationships ... she will be able to understand what is happening, and when I pull out, what HAPPENED ...
... and hopefully, not be victimized herself, by someone like me, who was called 'the Emotional Rapist' by a girl who, not unlike Mook, may have saw me as that 'total age' love ...
...Mookie is a great girl ... she has a job that she rightfully worries about ... seems like it has changed corporate hands several time in the past few years, and though the turk hasn't stopped at her desk, their have been downsizing going on where she is at ... and eventually, that will mean ... that will mean I will be expected to carry a burden, and it is one that will keep me until I pass into the great beyond ...
... so I am utlimately using Mook ... now, this isn't a closed deal ... evereything is in the rough draft stage, but I can feel a green light for this project .... man, doing this to Mookie is going to hurt something terrible ... good thing I don't plan on being in the vincinty when it all falls in ...
... but that is a long way away ... I could just take my onw advice, I would be cool ... I have to, this time for sure ... I just wish that it would leave such a bad after taste in my mouth, for me to do what I am proposing to myself to do ...
...well, clarity will come, because this is still confusing ..!
No comments:
Post a Comment