Friday, January 7, 2005

... trying to realise ... and actualize ...

... the other day, I realised that all the feelings that I have had for other people, Mookie has or has had for me ...

... it really hit me this past weekend, when lil' Mook's friend came by, and we played Monopoly together ... I just could imagine after we went to bed and talked, what it must of seemed like for her, and what it meant ... I had thought she was a little frustrated with my crappy job search ... it gave me pause, because I have all these emotions pulling me out of her orbit ... and it makes me feel a little guilty ... especially seeing how lil' Mook seems to take to me ... and I can see pushing her and making her rise to her potential ...

...and thus did day turn to night ...

... haven't spoke to AKA since the beginning of the week, nor answer or open her email ... she crashed my pity party, and it seemed so ironic her advice, because she could do a lot to heed what she gave me ... sure, I was doin' the piss 'n moan, but she for whatever reason, seems to enjoy her conditions ... and she will never fall too far ... unlike me, who risks falling completely off the face of the earth ...

... trying to imagine the incomprehensible way that people over in Sri Lanka, and some of the Indoneasian Islands have been wiped from the face of the earth ... utterly erased, just not there anymore ... and I have only myself to blame for my current state teetering on the brink ...

... I feel so stupid ... I had even TOLD myself that I was cool in my previous state, and that I needed to do whatever it took to maintain it ... but I guess I didn't really want to work hard enough ... for the results have me here ... and currently, with SD reappearing <thanks to me ...> and my yearning for yet another chance, another life ...

... first, I just want to get a job ... then work towards going to school  ... worry about the rest, when it is time to worry about it ...

 

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