... so the Steelers won ... not like the Jets didn't try or have their chances ... <the darned kicker missed TWICE ..!>
... now, I wasn't pulling for the Jets just to be contrarian ... nor was their any real rooting interest for the team ... but I did admire their grit and tenacity during the season, having played what was rated as the toughest schedule in the league and living in the fishbowl that is New York ...
... nah, I was pulling for the Jets because of their coach, Herman Edwards ... not only is he a brother, but he is a GOOD lookin' brother ...<not like I no punk, no p@ssy, no f*g ...>
... so I examined my parenthetical, and wondered, if indeed I am not, the WHY ...
... one of the things that I have always admired and looked to in stories and games involving the Jets and Herman Edwards, is how much respect he is given, and how they describe his team as a hard working, give it all they've got, and how they stick up for one another ...
... and in sports, most often, the identity of the team is a result of the character of the leadership ... and Herman Edwards is a leader ... a leader of men ...
... and that is what drew me to him ... and draws me to him ... see, I never knew my Dad, and as I got older, my Mom didn't try to get me one ... the last time I recall her being remotely interested in a man, I was 8 years old ... now that she is gone, I wish I had the temerity to ask her about it ... anyway ...
... in thinking of your post on the 'hood, and my reply, watching the game, and trying to compose what I thought would be a snarky, smart alecky post to you, I found myself looking deeper within myself ... because not only did my Mom not have any relations with anyone, me having seen her with only two men, the guy she married and the aforementioned, I grew up never having a father figure...
... but I was always athletically inclined, and took to all sports, from basketball, football, and hockey <I grew up in Detroit, you have to remember that ... there a brothers in Boston I am sure that play ...> ... so I have never questioned my maleness ... to the point where I had told my then-wife, when we were trying to sort through her dysfunctional relations 'tween her mom, her and her pops, that "my mother made sure that I never missed him, and I never really remember missing him ..."
... as I have gotten older, I have reconsidered those words ... when I reached my late 20's, I would admit that if I had a Pops, or at least a male figure in my life, he would have told me that I was p-whipped and not in love when I came home from the service and got married ...
... but hey, my Mom said the same thing, so I again went back to feeling that I didn't miss not having a man ... if I only would listen to my Mom more ...
... but now, with her gone, and in my mid 30's, I have caught myself more and more in recent years, longing for something ... something I can't put my finger on ... but there is a hole, a gap ...
... for instance, I am not mechanically inclined ... my friend AKA is a real wrench, and she even helped me once put brakes on a car of mine ... CORRECTLY ... she has a father along with two older brothers ... and all that testosterone rubbed off on her ...
... in my youth, I flouted that I had no such inclinations, as I ran through my life, making money with either a decent job and low overhead, or through boxing ... I felt like I would be a cat who could get through life without such things ...
... but getting older, and having a child, I see big grey areas in my life, gaps my knowledge, in my capabilities ... there are things I simply DON'T KNOW ... and it bothers me, because I wish that I could give them to my daughter so she could know these essential things ...
... getting back to the Jets' Coach Edwards ...
... as he ascended from being a top defensive coordinator, to his current spot in the center of the universe <or so New Yorkers think ...> I have found myself enamored with the words used to describe Coach Edwards, and the sound bites that he gives ... I feel he is a true leader of men ...
... a leader of men ... I began to wonder, if that all it was ... tonight, thinking about a smart alecky comment I could make to a stranger who lives a life totally unaffected by me ... if that was what gave to me my affection for Herman Edwards ...
... sure, he is telegenic <there ... don't have to worry about any homosexual comments there!> and intelligent ... but there was something more to it ... and it struck me ... his bearing is the same kind of composure I saw in my best boxing coaches, Ron Johnson in Detroit, and James Jones in North Carolina ... and that was when it smacked into me ... here I sit, at thirty-six, looking at, and affixing projections of a father I never knew on a complete stranger ...
...leadership, respect, and confidence ... not to mention courage <his flagship play, he returned a fumble in a game that his team was losing for a touchdown, that brought the 'kneel-down' into being ...> are traits that he has ... and from what I read, most children admire and see in their father ... and here I am, sitting down, longing for my father, as I hoped that the objectified father, wins a big game, so that I can look forward to hearing more people speak highly of him, and more written about him ...
... man, this is why people don't like when they bring up a simple subject that they see in black and white with me, and I go off on one of these tangents ... I mean, for all of this to emerge from an online message board thread ... so not only do Iadmit to missing my unknown father, butI DO take things a little too deep!!
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