THE END OF THE SPRING

 I am very unsure of how I feel right now.  It feels as if I am journeying through the nadir of everything, ever.  The reality is much more forgiving than that, but, the feelings of sadness and hopelessness are thick in my heart and mind.

This may have been the last time that I will get to see KT.  She has really taken a turn, blaming everyone for her unhappiness.  Much of her ranting was boilerplate, typical complaints of an entitled young person.  She accepts no responsibility for her own unhappiness, quick to point out all the faults in me, her Mom, and her Stepfather.  Her ranting also failed to accurately condemn herself for the decisions that she made (after all, to have received scholarship offers from Columbia AND Michigan is something that I could have only dreamed of, and most people in that position would have chosen one, even if they were uncertain and worried about being up to the task.  But she was not up for hearing that she had the option to make the decision and that neither her mother nor I was responsible for her not altering the trajectory of her life.

Her pleas that she was denied the opportunity to grow and experience life rings hollow as well.  According to her Mom, the three primary adults in her life, her Stepfather and myself included, all bear the wrath of her disappointment, for not providing her with the things we specifically provided her with so that she can have the opportunity that we did not.  From the first night, I knew that this was going to be a difficult month.  I thought that we were going to laugh and take pictures and go see what was what with the nightlife.  In the end, dropping her off at the airport, receiving and receiving a very uninspiring half-hug goodbye, was the most appropriate ending to her stay.  For the first time, I felt like an unnecessary chapter in her life.

It is hard for me to focus on much of the venom and hate that she spewed.  Her Mom is the this-that-and-the-other thing.  I am all-the-things-that-Mom-was not.  And while her stepfather was exalted (as was my former partner), her Mother assured me that changes with the breeze, as her fury, has touched him as well.  In the end, it is safe to assume that she is the victim of a conspiracy that seeks to deny her the life she deserves… that of being a wife of a high-wage earning man, living off of his accomplishments while she handles the home, taking care of the children and making sure that the servants keep the estate neat.

Whenever I thought about what a parent would want for their child, I felt that the three of us had done a pretty good job.  Her Mom, her Stepdad, handled most of the heavy lifting, and I felt that I was always there to “spot” the both of them, assisting whenever they seemed to falter.  But lately, the last three or so years according to her Mom, she seems to have been influenced by social media, inspiring her to a retcon of her life.  She is the victim of a Mother who did not know how to express her feelings, a non-existent Father, and a Stepfather, while he has his flaws, was the only one to have tried to prepare her for life.  This outlook eschews whatever responsibility that falls to her for being the one who actually makes the decisions that altered her life.  So no, I did not try to record her visit… I am looking forward to when my memory dulls the sharpness of the knives she flung at me and it becomes, “she hates me”, and nothing more.  I could have saved myself the trouble of pleading for help in taking her around town, getting a car (more on that later).

She looked at my apartment and my living conditions with contempt.  Would I not be more comfortable with Kitty, my ex?  When I explained that despite her feelings for me, the execution of her love was too costly, both emotionally and materially, and I could not deal with the constant ups and downs of dealing with easily avoidable situations.  At this point, I remembered what her Mom had said, that when she talks about “you”, she is really trying to find out something for and about HER.  Now she has a relationship with an older forty-something African cat, and she is wondering why her “love” is not enough.  Her chastising me for not remaining with Kitty, who truly loved me and was willing to care for me, made no sense to her.  She feels that love in and of itself is enough and that someone who can love you for who you are and as you are, should be paramount.  Still, that was the least of her concerns.

Being an only child, she is very selfish and everything has to be about her.  Even when she shows concern, it is mostly about how a thing affects her and not the thing concerning anyone else.  It is not a worry for my safety but how it made her feel that was upsetting to her.  Right now, she is not a kind, nor good, person.  Initially, I thought to chalk up most of her difficulties to the “failure to launch” problem that affects many twenty-somethings, and that is a part of it.  But there are specifics to what she is going through that make me less-than-hopeful for her.

See, some of the questions that she is facing were things that I initially dealt with when I was 17 and decided to join the service.  As much potential as I may have had, she clearly has much more, and its weight has become a burden.  She would rather not live up to anything and seek the “easy way out” of not working and being someone’s wife.  Growing up on the fringe of the Women’s Movement (DYK that the ERA has not been ratified..? WTF.!!) and growing up with women asserting their equality, the notion that a woman would want to be tied to the home seems ludicrous.  But there are a lot of younger women who see this as a viable option, either work for a few years before starting a family or just forgoing work and being a housewife.  As a teenager, I never heard young women stating that one of their goals was to be a Mother and wife FIRST, at the expense of ambition or a career.  If anything, they would combine elements of each and have a full life.  It sounds so different from how I perceived relationships when I was her age.  It was more “us” and “we”, concepts that I still hold as viable, that in relation was the achievable aim.

So my pleading with people to help me fix my bike was not taken as high as I thought it would be.  Neither was my improved job or living situation.  That she does not think highly of me, especially because I am seemingly not willing to be with someone who loves me, is not of great concern.  As my Mother would say to me… “I am your Mother, not your friend”, so I think similarly of my relationship with KT.  If I am one of those “friends” that she fades away from as she lives her life, so be it.  After all, I want her to be happy and successful with her life and if that means I am not a part of it… eh, oh well!