I WONDER HOW MUCH LONGER I HAVE BEFORE THE SUN SETS

In 2018 I was so frustrated with my relationship because it was faltering.  Since I had invested a great deal of intellectual capital to maintain my end of it, I attributed what I would call a “lack of focus” in my goals to the differences between my partner and myself.  From school, to work, to simply getting about my day, I observed in my being, several neurologic and mental processing issues that are found on most CTE checklists.  Because of the stress in my environment at the time I as well as that of our relationship, decided that Kitty and I were not going to make it. I put most of my issues with functioning off to the pressure of being with a person that I was no longer willing to love.

Four months later…

Things have not gotten that much better.  I would still grade my functioning as “high”.  I don’t think that I look as though I am being challenged by a disability, but Omaha is not a high threat environment (which is not to say that I TREAT as though it is not..!).  While I did not think that it would magically make everything better by leaving her, I did think that I had somehow cleared the needed free space on the busted hard drive that is my brain for me to achieve my goals and wants.  And I still believe that.  But what I believe, whether or not simulation theory is true or not, has nothing to with what I can perceive as reality in a damaged brain.  It is more about the reality that I am convinced that I can create, and that includes managing a business designed to help people.

Next is the possibility that I will be moving on from Pinnacle to other pastures.  Evolution happens whether we want it to or not, and I am hopeful that my stint as cornerman for an Omaha-area police officer can grow into just that.  There is a possibility that this is an opportunity for full-time work and I am already on top of preparing myself by starting my work on a new certification that will qualify me to be a trainer-at-large.  

Did I mention that KT is going to graduate in May?  I certainly hope so, because I NEVER GET TIRED OF PICTURING IT.  What really makes it special is that she is graduating from an HBCU, and while she could have almost literally chosen any school in Carolina, that she chose an HBCU means a lot to me.  I reflect upon my initial effort at matriculation, and the “why” behind it.  Much like my choice of “civil service”, my decision to go to A&T was made more for philosophical reasons that alone validate my being.  I cannot wait to sit with her Mother, waiting for her to walk across that stage… it makes me want, if briefly, for my history to be one where I, too, got my 4-year degree from and HBCU, but it was not to be.

Finally, it DOES feel great to have been a part of Alana’s journey, as she was a part of mine.  The both of us were in the Metro, living like we were “Howard The Duck”, though, the both of us WERE NOT like HTD.  He was in a world that was part of a multiverse that left him out of place.  Speaking for myself, I was in a world that unwittingly or no, I had a part of creating.  I began my journey understanding what would be asked of myself if I accepted the challenges that lay before me.  Alana was already on her way when our paths crossed.  The only thing that I was sure, was that if you were down, we would get to where we were going… and you can see how that has worked out..!