Thursday, February 7, 2013


Last Saturday was actually a very, very good day.  I mean, I woke up and was exceedingly “chipper” and remained so throughout the entire day.  When I woke up Sunday I was still feeling pretty good and am so now.  So the issue with my current relationship is not causing me any additional distress other than freeing up my weekends to do “whatever”.

One of the mistakes that I think that people make in relationships is that they “lose themselves” by forgetting who it is that they are as an individual.  While there are things that I miss, as well as people that I still have a great deal of feelings for, when it comes to regret, I don’t have too many of those.  And of the regrets that I do have, I OWN.  I do not pass them off on the next relationship, the next person, or whomever is associated to that time of my life.  It is over and done with, the world’s have all continued to turn.

I like to believe that I commit not only to another person but to myself as well.  I am not going to accept what I believe is substandard treatment from anyone.  So to that end, things are not too bad between Princess and me, although, I am not in a rush to declare that I am exclusive.  The term I use is “restricted free agent”, and that is fair enough for me.

Getting over myself is one of the easiest things for me to do.  I mean, when facing a circumstance where I have to ask for help is not a problem.  People may feel that I do not look for help and they are usually correct, but moreover, I do not look for help FROM THEM.  I have my own reasons for not telling you “this”, or asking you if you can do “that”, and as long as they remain valid in my mind, then I won’t bother you.

About my supervisor at work, there is no valid reason for not confiding in her.  She has taken a special interest in me, I guess the idea of some cat with a brain condition going it on his lonely, paired with her being a genuinely super-nice Nebraskan, has her wanting to look out for me.  She has done and said enough to encourage me to allow her into my confidence, so I talked to her about Princess and me, and she told me that, “While I like Princess and thinks she is a nice person, YOU are my first priority and I want to make sure that you are okay.”  Her simply saying that to meant a lot to me, and I thanked her for lending her ear and being there for me.

I am not some woebegone caricature.  I do not believe in suffering for sufferings sake.  And I definitely do not believe on being pitiful.  Leaving Mookie Dee meant that the stress that she added to my life from her lack of action meant that I could now live in affirmation of who I am as a person.  Sitting around watching the schlock on television and having the echoes of media-fueled emotions resonate in your personal philosophy is not how I want to go out.

I was reading an article from the Thought Catalog on the worst kind of regret.  And the author quoted an 82 year-old as essentially saying that the worst kind of regret is not taking the chances on the things you wanted to do when you had the opportunity.  You WILL get too old to do some things, he said, and you can go out and do some of the things you want like traveling or doing something adventurous.  But when you have kids and things like mortgages and job security to worry about, those “things” become incredibly hard to do.  And he is right.  They DO become harder to do, and people become embittered by their “opportunity missed”.  But not me...

I don’t often speak about “The Time of Timelessness”, which is what I call the moment that comes during a moment before a change or big decision in my life, for others it is their “gut instinct”, I am going to guess.  Whatever it is, I know that when I am in that time, that whatever decision I make, it will be mine to own and accept.  The only time I had a problem with owning any of my choices was with my starter marriage.  Once I came to terms with that, I cannot say that I have had any regrets, definitely none by the common definition of the word, and that I have been pretty okay with nearly all of my decisions since that coming to grips with my feelings surrounding my marriage.

While only fools have no fear, there is something to being courageous in life.  This could STILL end up quite badly for me here in Omaha, and in short order as well.  I don’t put out often that I am afflicted with the same condition that has claimed the lives of prominent former football players and could be said to be not unlike an accelerated form of Alzheimer's Disease.  But as I have done with most of my life’s challenges, I have steeled myself and set my course for the most likely path to lead me to where I want to go.

Today I registered for my Algebra class.  It meets Monday’s and Wednesday’s at 10:00 for two hours.  I like the time and I should have the time to do homework and attend to getting whatever extra help I need for the class.  I think that for the Math, I am going to have to take just that one class, certainly until I drop at least 20lbs.!

Tee Jay and I are friends on the social network.  Occasionally I have asked myself about my efforts to win her back while I was back in the Metro.  With the kind of reverence that I spoke about her, I would not have been surprised if readers at the time thought that I had reached where I was going, the “Nebraska Concept” being a pretentious cover to leave one woman and to pursue another, one with whom a cat had not quite gotten over.  But it wasn’t, and neither was my approach to “ex-this or that’s” (as if the two were related).  As much love as I still have for that woman, I was not going to go after someone who has moved on with their life, just as I was MOVING ON WITH MINE.  Now where she willing to take a chance and “come out west”...

I am jus’ sayin’... see, I have given my best shot’s in my relationships and if they did not win the day, oh well. I accept rejection but that does not mean that I like it!!  And I have always used the image of a battleship on the open sea, sailing towards a new target, a new direction, only to be told to turn around and take a course opposite of where they are going.  It is going to take that ship a long time to turn around and get back to its course... and the thing that is lost... TIME... can never really be made up.

And of course, if you didn’t know me THEN... you can NEVER know me NOW...


That corgi :) said...

I have to agree about what that man said about regrets; we all look back at those chances when it is too late to do anything about them. I know I have.

Sounds good with the algebra class Mark! Two days for two hours should be doable and manageable with the assignments and all with it! Good luck!


mrs.missalaineus said...

i tutored via skype this summer and it went well- if all works out with my last interview i should actually have time when not at work to help if you have questions-


FrankandMary said...

I am not some woebegone caricature.

That really made me laugh, since I'd never, ever think it of you. I pretty much hate the words amazing & unique..but you are definitely unique, Mark.

Ken Riches said...

Well, you have certainly demonstrated you can take a punch. Hang in there my friend :o)

tony said...

Sadly ,people often want to lose themself in a relationship?Hence the unrealistic expectations & ,ultimately,disapointment.Hey~Hoy!

Beth said...

Getting caught up on the latest and not-so-greatest news.

Of all my friends who might go through a breakup, I think you are the one I would worry about the least. Not because you wouldn't be hurt, and not that I wouldn't do whatever I could to help, even if it's just lending a friendly ear or providing a hug...but because you have the wherewithal and resilience to weather such things better than anyone else I know.

You take a philosophical look at such seem uniquely able to step back and look at everything, including yourself, with a critical and logical eye.

Incidentally, this is why I would want you on my zombie apocalypse team. :)

I don't doubt for a moment that you are doing just fine. You keep on truckin'.