I want to say that I read about Winston Churchill’s characterization of his depression as his “black dog” in the phenomenal biography, “The Last Lion”, but I am not sure. Too bad, as it is unlikely that I would ever be as ambitious to tackle the task of reading such a book, leastways not while I am still engaged in other scholarly and academic pursuits. “…Lion”, along with several other books that I have read that are unlikely to be read again (“Gravity’s Rainbow”, “Atlas Shrugged”, “The Stand” are a few that I have no desire to read again for pleasure), but as much as I like Churchill, I just might, to fortify my attitude and my convictions.
As I was saying, I too, borrowing from Churchill, label my depression as “the black dog”. For me, the idea dovetails nicely with Stephen King’s creepy story about a (c’mon, sha-sha-shake it like a...) Polaroid picture of a scraggly,but dangerous mutt, “The Sun Dog”. That is what I see, a wiry black dog, with matted fur, and ribs visible but not starving, just walking around with me wherever I go. Right now he is behind Doug, my mountain bike, lying there lengthwise, head on his front paws. He isn’t looking at me and I wonder if he is even aware that I am still here. Anywho, I am going to rattle of some thoughts that have crossed my mind lately and see if that does anything.
Not only is my current emotional state iconography that of a dog, it also comes with its own theme song. I have always been especially keen on Nirvana’s “Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge On Seattle”, and this cover by another gone-too-soon artist, Jay Reatard, is the lead song to the soundtrack of this episode. I have been wondering if I should call this an “event”, but I think “episode” has a better connotation to it. I don’t think that this is something that is going to occur “just this time” with me. When I appropriated “the dogs”, it was not because I needed them to classify any emotions that I was feeling, certainly not when I made their acquaintance. At the time I would become aware of them, I inventoried them and used them when I did feel “less than good”, which is all that you could really ever had gotten out of me before this October.
Going to my therapist regularly again… had to switch days as I work Fridays and getting back from out west in time for work was always going to be a near thing. So Tuesday is the day… which bumps movie day to Thursday. Looking forward to seeing “Skyfall”, with people going on about how good it is. Growing up with Sean Connery and Roger Moore as 007, it was always tough to imagine anyone else as Bond, but craggy Daniel Craig has really taken on the character and I won’t get my undies in a bunch when a young person identifies him as THE James Bond. Kind of like the same way I am over the song “Hurt” and people who know it as a song by Johnny Cash, when it was already a defining song of Trent Reznor’s.
One of the things that my therapist does that is wearing on me is speaking of her son, who is an adult in his early 20’s, interchangeably with me and my travails. I don’t see the comparison and there really isn’t any. He has other diagnosed issues that bear no real connection to my issues. I think that I will tell her that on my next visit should she bring him up again. It is such a different experience from the therapist that I had back in “the provincial town that I jogged ‘round”. This is not to say that I have not benefited from her work, on the contrary, I certainly feel that she has been integral in my getting this far. It is just that her son and I have symptoms in common and not root causes, and I think she is getting some self-therapy done at my expense. Not that I am gnarly about it, just that it resembles the kind of self-absorption that another local resident seemed to have regarding me, and I don’t wish to go down that path again.
The end of the movie “Multiplicity” with Michael Keaton andAndie McDowell, where she tells her kids in so many words, that when you are in love, everyone you see reminds you of that person. What had happened was that the clones of her husband, who were driving off into their future, were in a car as she drove with her children. Anywho, that is sort of how I am when it comes to being focused in a relationship. I see people who remind me of “that someone who IS that someone”, whether was someone who struck me the way Nebraska did, or someone who brought back to mind my starter wife when I thought we were in love with each other.
Whenever I spoke about the reasoning of my “ex-list”, I would always add the caveat that if my starter wife was to have been my ultimate life partner, then I would have to be on a solo trip through this life! The reason that I had to make that a conscious statement and put it out into the universe is that I STILL WOULD HIT THAT! I mean, look at her!! She looks even better NOW than she did in her 20’s!!! Along with being loyal for my own reasons, once I “like” someone, I still will maintain an “account of affection” in the vaults of my heart for them. The only way that I could manage the feelings that I pick up from and evoke in people is to objectify things as I do, in sports terms and other pieces of jargon, so that I would not be drawn in emotionally myself into the kind of relationship that I did not anticipate being in.
Like I said, I would still run at my starter wife… and recalling the words of my departed Mother, “…she’d let you put another baby in her if you wanted”, which along with other independent observations, would confirm my starter wife’s desire for me. So, I have to let the “big head” do the thinking, and that was why when I was on the ex-list kick, I simply would have to accept that I would turn down a chance to be in a relationship if she was my “meant to”. This of course, presupposes that we would have been happy together… even if it was given to me as a guarantee that we would have been in bliss, I still would rather be alone.
Sometimes when I am at work, I pick up on my radar the faint “pings” of someone checking me out… sometimes it is a cat just as other times I am picking up a kitten, so this is not ego talking. Today while I was up cleaning the track that runs over the main floor of the fitness center, I picked up a guest who was checking me out… and part of why I was able to pinpoint her on my own radar was that she reminded me of Princess, not that she resembled her in any way but just brought her to mind. And this is yet ANOTHER loop that my starter wife is in.
See, there are certain qualities to the kind of women that I like… while things are more specific that the general traits would indicate, I like full, buxom women. There have been exceptions, my “cherry” was a normal Cass Tech “Mica Babe”, and of course, there is KT’s Mom Nixxie. But the overwhelming majority has been at least “healthy” and generally plus-sized into the mid-teens. When I am “scouting” women, I tend to put them into “player groups” and run their “measurables” through the proper filter. I don’t like “drafting” defensive tackles or those who would play the offensive line. I tend to like “athletic” outside line backers and defensive ends that also have the versatility to drop off into pass coverage as well as pressure the passer, along with their pursuit duties when the play goes away from them. I also like big safeties, the free safety being smaller and more agile, but still willing to come up in run support.
What did all that mean? Hard to say… I could show you better than I could explain it to you. What I do know is that I do feel better about things and I expect to get some good sleep tonight!!