AND YES, I'M STILL FOND OF YOU

THIS JUST IN                      

I am apologizing for my screed on single Mother’s in a recent entry and Black Women in general.  It was written with little compassion and even less understanding of what many women, African-American or otherwise, must go through on a daily basis in providing for a family, and in competing in the workplace, all with the pressure of being the sole provider for their household.  There is no way I could fully appreciate the obstacles that many face and many still overcome in accomplishing their task.  My sincerest and heartfelt apologies go out to anyone who was offended by my remarks, as that was not my intent.

Unfortunately, my outburst cost me one reader and judging from their comment I see from where they made their decision.  What makes the loss more notable for me is that she is one of a handful that I have made acquaintance with through blogging that I would readily call “my friend”.

So it stung when one reader who was aggrieved by my entry “returned fire” and announced that they would essentially no longer be “my friend”.  This person had been a part of my blogging experience from my earliest days, and we have spoken to one another (occasionally) IRL.  And while I will miss their comments and fellowship on the internet, a more personal sense of loss was felt when they decided to “put me down”.

When it comes to things being said about me, I give a lot of leeway for negative comments because occasionally they are fairly accurate.  Myself, I know that I have to own my transgressions to account for, and why it is other than my starter wife’s violent streak, I have little negative to say regarding my any of my daughter’s Mom’s, or the relationships themselves.  Many times when relationships fail, they do so because of the absence of leadership and/or direction, and such was the case in all three of the ones that I had with Nixxie, Pecan Sandie, and my starter wife.  Whatever I was not able to provide them with as a partner and potential head-of-household with, I admit to failing in that area, specifically.  If I do have a point of argument with anyone, it is over the idea that I come into a relationship “with nothing”.

Early as I began planning my course from “the provincial town that I once jogged ‘round” to Omaha, I did not expect to be involved in a relationship with anyone.  This was not because I had become soured on the notion after my fail with Mookie Dee, but precisely because I was not someone who went around “bringing nothing” to a relationship.  By the course that I was charting, I did not expect to be able to participate as a full partner in a relationship for some time and thus, did not anticipate meeting someone.  But as much as I think this is about my present, about my past I would like to say this.

When I met my starter Wife, I was a year removed from my hitch in the Army.  I was getting readjusted to being in civilian life, driving the first of my three “Z” cars, and going to Henry Ford Community College.  I was still at home, with my “Mom and ‘em” in the 48219.  It was pretty whirlwind-like, from just met to married in a little over 6 months and neither of us having a firm direction on where we were going in our lives, or what we wanted.  But I did know how I was going to get there.  What I did KNOW was that I was on the path to getting there and if she wanted to get there with me, then she and her daughter were invited along.

Anywho, there went whatever materiel that I brought into the relationship that I had from my time in the service and subsequent employment afterwards.  When I left her and Detroit to go away to Carolina, I would scramble my way into school, resume the focus I had on “getting there”.  When I would eventually run into Nixxie and Pecan Sandie, again, I was working but instead of school I was boxing professionally and doing quite well, if I may say so myself.

I have spoken about how I went down to Greensboro with my car and all my belongings stuffed in it, to where I had begun to achieve some success boxing.  I always worked, for a bit as a welder in a manufacturing plant, and then as sales associate at a department store, the latter job augmenting my income as a professional boxer.  Again, I had “my own”, so to speak, so neither Nixxie of Pecan Sandie had to “carry” me and whatever help they provided with things or out-of-pocket expense they incurred prior to our daughter’s being born were nominal at most.  No one has ever had to pay my rent, get a major repair on a car I owned, or even bought me a video game for whatever video system I may have had at any time.  In short, I disabuse the notion that I am/was a broken-down free loader, playing the emotions of women to sustain my lifestyle.  Shoot, it has only been since I have been in Omaha that I have let someone else pay for a dinner and given the few times that I have gone out with someone, in my eyes that is barely worth mentioning.

No, I have not been the most stand-up cat in the world.  But there are a lot of things that I have never or would not do that other men may have chosen to do.  And I have chosen to overlook “whatever” and to see the person and not their issue.  But that is getting into a defensive position and that is not what I am writing about. 

Early on in my adolescence I made one of my earliest “executive decisions”, which was not to bemoan my lack of lasting friendships.  It never bothered me that I was left off the invitation list of neighbor’s and school mates’ parties or social gatherings.  My esteem never suffered for want of another’s company, and neither did my outlook or socialization.  If anything, my adolescence provided me with the attitude that I use today as guideposts for my relationships.

Were there any “specifics” to my diatribe?  It does not matter now, but because it was a by-product of why I continue to blog and my approach to socialization that I am, well, hurt, for lack of a better term, over the reaction to my post.  Going back to when I made blogging an active part of my life, it was because of the relationship that I had with Mookie Dee had led me to seek out “intelligent life” and hopefully get in touch with my feelings as I dealt with my condition and as I plotted the next course in my life.

When I do take the time out to make an entry, I put a lot of ME in what I write.  This is not only an attempt for me to connect with people but it is a place for me to see what I am thinking about and collect my thoughts amid the debris that is my current state of being.  My entry from the other day was an accumulation of things that I do not I am OF but is a part of the situations and conditions that others are IN.  I do not know what makes others think that I want to know of what they are going through, as it stands I never offer my travails for conversation, or what compels them to tell me the things that they do.  I can understand if they were speaking to someone that they knew, but other than me being a familiar face from being around, no one here in Omaha other than a handful of people, REMOTELY know who I am.  There IS a valid reason that I throw out the “keep your problems to yourself kid, I got my own” line, and earlier this week it WAS that I had problems that I was addressing.

I did not think that I was “waxing poetic” about anything as much as I was feeling a build-up of emotions and I wanted those feelings to be let out.  I was watching a video about a meditation challenge and thought that it would be better for me to express the feelings that working out could not expunge before I began to meditate.  And besides, sometimes a journal is a good place to let rash and immature feelings out.  So that is what I did.  For me to have spoken as rudely to someone who was confiding in me feelings that were deeply held and personal is what I thought would have been insensitive.

Well, that about covers my apology for offending anyone.  As for what I have been up to, today I registered for fall classes and I got a job interview on Monday at a fitness club.  Still a bit hung over from KT and I am anxiously awaiting our pictures!!  Will share them as soon as they arrive!!

And I am going to end this with an assurance that there is more than likely more bloviating to be done in these pages.  I apologize for my occasional rants and I NEVER mean to offend anyone, personally, intellectually or spiritually.

Love & Rockets!