…LORD KNOWS SO AM I
I think that the three relationships I have talked about recently were the most impactful of all my interpersonal relationships, which is not to say that they were the most important. ALL of the relationships I have had were important, which includes Nixxie and Pecan Sandie, SD and A.K.A, and prolly countless others who I’ve ‘traded paint’ with, but I still ‘feel’ in my soul.
A little while ago Alaina left a comment that to me ‘gets it’. Her comment mentioned that “…you need to make relationships as important as everything else…”, which is something that I agree with. It isn’t that a relationship should supersede the other relationships in your life or take precedence over anything else, but like all the other things that are important to you in your life, it has a priority that merits your full and undivided attention.
Some people love in fear of making a relationship important to them. Maybe they have been hurt by the feeling of being vulnerable to a person and find themselves holding back from giving all that they can in the next relationship. And from there, they go on to give less of themselves and when you do that, I believe you can only get less in return. This becomes a pattern and ultimately they get less and less back from their relationships because no matter what monetary or worldly value there may be to their efforts, they are inconsequential to what love is about.
Growing up and watching the fail that is young love as it matured into bitterness in women and encouraged men to be only more brazen in their transgressions and disrespect of their partners, I told myself that I would choose another path should I ever find myself in love with a woman. I never wanted a possession, I have always wanted a partner, and that meant I had to be willing to be as present as possible in that relationship. The relationship would become a priority, one that I call ‘first among equals’. There was nothing more important than the object of my affections, and there were things in my life that were just as important as they were. I think that in a functioning relationship that possesses understanding, patience, and empathy, the way is made for everything important being a priority, and all the priorities being important.
When Nebraska and I began our online relationship, and when I had more ‘RAM space on my hard drive’ available to me, I told her about my fixation with the state of Nebraska. What made her, moving to Omaha, and the whole ball of wax make sense to me, is the programming that I think is a big part of being a living entity. I think that I am really and truly living out a life that is in harmony with my specific encoding, and THAT is why I can honestly say that I love my life and feel that I am fulfilling a destiny. Our meeting set in motion all the things that would eventually bring me here, of that I have no doubt.
So the question remains… did I move to Omaha BECAUSE of Nebraska, or did I move to Nebraska because of Omaha? I don’t know how the question could have been separated, so I never bothered trying. The most important thing to me was that I follow my instinct, and do what I felt was right.
I have a hard time communicating how ‘lucky’ I feel I am. If I occasionally sound full of myself, it is because I can legitimately say that I have had a shot at the life I have imagined, the life that I was destined to live. There has been nothing that I have faced in my life that could not have been overcome or won over if I had made the decisions that I was completely capable of making at the moment choice.
When I made the decision to move to Omaha, there were no ‘what ifs’ playing in the theater of my mind. No matter what was to come of Nebraska and myself, Omaha IS the place for me. I thought that despite the friction that occurred when I began to act upon my destiny, when all the unforeseen problems emerged and the doubts that lurked in the shadows, waiting for indecision to show itself so that they could take hold of me and turn me into a traitor to my destiny.
At the start of the year 2000 I would spend many a weekend not too different from how I am going to spend this weekend… whether it is looking out at the bright western sky or sitting in ‘une café-Americain’, à la Starbucks or Panera bread (or maybe Scooter’s!), watching people and making small talk. Or perhaps I will catch a movie or maybe I will stay inside and chill out. The harmony that I have begun to discover only increases by the day, and I am truly grateful for what I have now at this very moment.
Nebraska and I never got around to being able to talk about our relationship comfortably and without acrimony with one another. She feels that I blame her for too much and perhaps I did. I feel she never gave me the opportunity to be who I am, ‘the man that we all know and love’, and there is truth to that as well. Neither of the opinions is absolute but what cannot be debated is that whatever they represent to us as individuals were never resolved, and that is that with that.
The whole idea of finding love in my past was new to me, so despite the evidence mounted against doing so, I felt that by the parameters that I had set for myself, that I stood a good chance of actually find what I had hoped in my past. While I did not find what I set out for on my journey, what I did find has been worth every bit of blood, sweat and tears that was spilled on my search.
“I shall be saying this with a sigh,
ages and ages hence…
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood and I,-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference”