…LORD KNOWS SO AM I
I think that the three relationships I have talked about
recently were the most impactful of all my interpersonal relationships, which
is not to say that they were the most important. ALL of the relationships I have had were
important, which includes Nixxie and Pecan Sandie, SD and A.K.A, and prolly
countless others who I’ve ‘traded paint’ with, but I still ‘feel’ in my soul.
A little while ago Alaina left a comment that to me ‘gets it’. Her comment mentioned that “…you need
to make relationships as important as everything else…”, which is something
that I agree with. It isn’t that a
relationship should supersede the other relationships in your life or take
precedence over anything else, but like all the other things that are important
to you in your life, it has a priority that merits your full and undivided
attention.
Some people love in fear of making a relationship important
to them. Maybe they have been hurt by
the feeling of being vulnerable to a person and find themselves holding back
from giving all that they can in the next relationship. And from there, they go on to give less of
themselves and when you do that, I believe you can only get less in
return. This becomes a pattern and
ultimately they get less and less back from their relationships because no
matter what monetary or worldly value there may be to their efforts, they are
inconsequential to what love is about.
Growing up and watching the fail that is young love as it
matured into bitterness in women and encouraged men to be only more brazen in their
transgressions and disrespect of their partners, I told myself that I would
choose another path should I ever find myself in love with a woman. I never wanted a possession, I have always
wanted a partner, and that meant I had to be willing to be as present as
possible in that relationship. The
relationship would become a priority, one that I call ‘first among equals’. There was nothing more important than the
object of my affections, and there were things in my life that were just as
important as they were. I think that in
a functioning relationship that possesses understanding, patience, and empathy,
the way is made for everything important being a priority, and all the
priorities being important.
When Nebraska and I began our online relationship, and when
I had more ‘RAM space on my hard drive’ available to me, I told her about my
fixation with the state of Nebraska. What made her,
moving to Omaha, and the whole ball of wax make sense to me, is the programming
that I think is a big part of being a living entity. I think that I am really and truly living out
a life that is in harmony with my specific encoding, and THAT is why I can
honestly say that I love my life and feel that I am fulfilling a destiny. Our meeting set in motion all the things that
would eventually bring me here, of that I have no doubt.
So the
question remains… did I move to Omaha BECAUSE of Nebraska, or did I move to
Nebraska because of Omaha? I don’t know
how the question could have been separated, so I never bothered trying. The most important thing to me was that I
follow my instinct, and do what I felt was right.
I have a hard time communicating how ‘lucky’ I feel I
am. If I occasionally sound full of
myself, it is because I can legitimately say that I have had a shot at the life
I have imagined, the life that I was destined to live. There has been nothing that I have faced in
my life that could not have been overcome or won over if I had made the decisions
that I was completely capable of making at the moment choice.
When I made the decision to move to Omaha, there were no ‘what
ifs’ playing in the theater of my mind.
No matter what was to come of Nebraska and myself, Omaha IS the place
for me. I thought that despite the
friction that occurred when I began to act upon my destiny, when all the unforeseen
problems emerged and the doubts that lurked in the shadows, waiting for
indecision to show itself so that they could take hold of me and turn me into a
traitor to my destiny.
CLOSING
At the start of the year 2000 I would spend many a weekend
not too different from how I am going to spend this weekend… whether it is
looking out at the bright western sky or sitting in ‘une café-Americain’, à la Starbucks or Panera bread (or
maybe Scooter’s!), watching people and
making small talk. Or perhaps I will
catch a movie or maybe I will stay inside and chill out. The harmony that I have begun to discover
only increases by the day, and I am truly grateful for what I have now at this
very moment.
Nebraska and I never got around to being able to talk about
our relationship comfortably and without acrimony with one another. She feels that I blame her for too much and
perhaps I did. I feel she never gave me
the opportunity to be who I am, ‘the man that we all know and love’, and there
is truth to that as well. Neither of the
opinions is absolute but what cannot be debated is that whatever they represent to us as individuals were never
resolved, and that is that with that.
The whole idea of finding love in my past was new to me, so
despite the evidence mounted against doing so, I felt that by the parameters
that I had set for myself, that I stood a good chance of actually find what I
had hoped in my past. While I did not find
what I set out for on my journey, what I did find has been worth every bit of
blood, sweat and tears that was spilled on my search.
“I shall be saying this with a sigh,
ages and ages hence…
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood and I,-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference”
-Robert Frost
3 comments:
When you were first writing about movie to Omaha, I had some concerns that if it didn't work out with Nebraska, you'd regret it. You allayed my concerns, and I can tell that you are truly happy in your new place. I'm happy for you!
You have the right perspective on a relationship, now to just find the right person...
OK so now what?
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