Saturday, December 31, 2011



There have been times where I have felt like writing and writing and writing.  In my mind, the topics are just ‘stuff’, with some of ‘me’ in them.  But for now on I am going to write and simply trust my readers, because anyone who follows my blog has not only made an investment, but an understanding as well.  Still, this end-of-year kind of thing that that predictably takes place is still relatively new for me, as I prefer to think of the time as being ‘now’ for changes and that waiting for an arbitrary date to urge me to do something I either want or may need to do, never had any appeal to me.

When I decided to think more about myself and my needs (not that I did not before but now they have taken on a paramount importance to my vision I have for life, liberty and their pursuit) after ’07, it was the symmetry that the ‘Now clock’ that I had operated by was in concert with another kind of ‘time’.  I was consciously aware of ‘time’ and the significance that I was intending to make such sweeping changes in my life, along with a kabillion other folks.  The only difference between the paths that the many would take and the one that I would choose, is that mine would be a narrow path, the proverbial road less traveled, the road not taken.


One of the reasons that I regret joining Face Book is its universal application as a default option on the internet.  What I mean is that if you sign up for pretty much anything on the net, you can simply use your Face Book account to automatically sign you in to ‘whatever’.  I don’t think that bodes well for things like personal freedom and government intrusion.  But perhaps that is inevitable, and that is really going off the path for this entry.  But I mention this as an example of the things that I observe as part of my normal process.  There are things that ‘I think that I think’ and then there are things that I THINK THAT I THINK.  This happens to be of the latter things that ‘I think’ and this is moving to the point of the matter.

A problem with my ‘all caps’ thoughts is that they were generated and vetted by the primordial brain and therefore are beyond my ability to explain, especially to someone so tied into their own sense of ‘right and wrong’, along with an preference for the safety of the commonplace.  There is nothing wrong with ‘following the crowd’, per se, but when it comes to finding individual happiness and contentment, I am not sold on that as an approach, but I am willing to enter in fair negotiations with which to conduct a relationship under.  And though there has been a complement of opinions that believe that being in a relationship, rather, the openness to a potential of a relationship, should be a part of my objectives.  I don’t, and THAT has been what has kept me from setting my course for the upcoming year.

A couple of cats who did a summary of the past year and cast their gaze to the next year, Lou and Daniel, by my reading are pleased with the way 2011 went and look forward to having a 2012 that is at least as good, if not better than the year that is being left behind.  Other than my probes into that possible loveship with three women since I have landed here, which confirmed beliefs that I hold regarding the different ‘-ships’, I am simply looking forward to doing more of what I am doing know only better.


from 'Work is not a job'... neither is 'life'

Just because it is a time of introspection and promises of change to come, I don’t think there is much that I want to change.  As I said, I could get by with doing the same thing this year, only better, and qualify the year as a success.  Go to school, pass my classes, then when summer comes, and host my babies.  I guess that is the ‘plus one’ to my prognostication, having the Carolina Girls here and enjoying their visit.

When it comes to whether or not I will be involved in trying to be in a relationship, I have my doubts.  Not that I am uncertain to the point that I would turn down the possibility of having someone special and unique in my life, but with this year as a gauge, the urgency that I think belongs on a relationship is not shared by women and that has been a trend that I have observed in the last 8 years or so, at least in my world.  I mean, what if the interpretation of the Mayan calendar is correct (a hypothesis that is far older than ‘just now’) and this is the end of cycle of life here on Earth (and why isn’t that feasible?  Science gives us dinosaurs and Ice Ages; Theology gives us cataclysm prior to ascension into paradise), is leaving this mortal coil without even the real attempt to be in love justified?

When you don’t go after your dreams and instead find reasons that they can’t be achieve or feel they are not possible, you don’t live a reality but a compromise.  I haven’t done that yet, and having failed in achieving love and happiness, I refused to compromise on where a relationship should be placed in one’s life.

In all the rehashing and reframing of my personal history, I have left behind how out of sync I seemed to my growing up and how that led to a feeling of alienation that I have never forgotten about.  This is feeling is what led me to the understanding that it is a choice to be happy with yourself and your life.  Imagine your body as a vessel and that you have this one unique opportunity to put into its existence all the things that you want.  If you choose to exclude things because you have made that choice, I don’t think that you can expect for life to deliver your wants to you.  It doesn’t seem to me to work that way, and that is that with that.

I have made certain choices and not all of them have been the best choices.  But I also own them and I do believe that in direct and indirect fashion that I have reaped the fruit that I have sown.  And there is nothing that I have observed about life in general, it is this:  You are not given what you want as you are given the chance to prove your desire and achieve your aim.  In the film ‘Evan Almighty’, God, characterized by Morgan Freeman, responding to Evan’s wife, explained how things worked.

Anyone who has seen the movie knows how it goes… Evan’s wife (Lauren Graham) is speaking with God and expresses her confusion to him on what she should do with her husband, who was OBVIOUSLY suffering a psychotic delusion.  And his answer, essentially that you aren’t granted what you want but you are granted the opportunity to be what you want, definitely struck me.  Because it is the lack of meeting the moment that irks me when I think about my starter marriage and my fail with Mookie Dee, and it is why I have my regret over my relationships with Delta Girl and Tee Jay. 

Living with the steadfast belief that I have had my opportunities to be that super businessman who parlayed his millions from boxing into a successful Presidential run, and that I missed the pitch, is different from living with a compromised.  I haven’t stopped believing that greatness may yet be thrust upon me, and I am unwilling to make decisions that compromise that belief. 

Because of how I see life, I am able to accept things like the indifferent and what are to me, peculiar, attitudes I have encountered in my sampling of women and their behavior, and not feel and not become chagrined at their development.  Or lack thereof, as I still have my priorities to account for and goals to achieve.

Whether or not I receive any future opportunities to be ‘in love’ is not of major consequence to me.  I have had mine.  If I am the opportunity for another person, well, if I am 'their opportunity' aren't all, if not most, opportunities come with the provision that when they appear, they must be seized?


Anonymous said...

Before the sun goes down over 2011, before the net goes down due to overload, before I lose my mind, before I go too drunk and lose my phone - Happy New Year! I wish you the best 2012.


Lovebabz said...

Happy New Year!

Love waits on welcome not on time...a Course in Miracles. If you want to be in love, you will be in love.

Plan on being in love for 2012! What else is there?

Raising my fine glass of champagne to you! yep I drink Champagne all night... by midnight I am all aglow! LOL!

Too bad your not here.....a fine man and champagne are life changing :)

Happy New Year!

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

Happy New Year my friend.

BragonDorn said...

Love the stories! Keep it up! :)

Have Myelin? said...

I like this part: There are things that ‘I think that I think’ and then there are things that I THINK THAT I THINK. This happens to be of the latter things that ‘I think’ and this is moving to the point of the matter.

I totally get that.

Happy New Year Santa Mark! =p

Anonymous said...

Choosing to be happy...sometimes it is hard to love yourself enough, w/o imposing a lot of restrictions. And those who say it is rather easy(the ones I've met)have often given themselves so much leeway that they've screwed up their own lives & the lives of others. Doubt & BS will periodically recur, but I don't think you are unhappy~just striving for better. The bruised history takes a toll, but you are still very much moving forward. ~Mary