PICTURE DAY!! (or why I don't dare quit the Facebook/Time-suck/narcotic)
Decided to 'look the part' at the Mattress Factory on Saturday night. I am told that once the facility was used to house livestock or something and that is how it got its name! (and I fought the urge to wear my Wisconsin shirt in school today!!)
THROW OFF YOUR WORRIES AND BE AT PEACE
I have been here a year (pretty much) and it has been everything that I expected and nothing at all like I thought it would have been all at the same time. Omaha is like no other place I have been and that is both a good thing as well as an 'interesting' piece of personal observation. There is nothing about it that I don't like (yet) so anything that I say about the town and if that statement could be construed either of two ways and one is bad, then I meant the other one! But when it comes to personal encounters and relationships... I more than likely mean what I say.
The few women I have crossed paths with here in Omaha has me view the lot of them as 'wanting' (much like the real estate salesmen that Blake gave his rally presentation to in the movie 'Glengarry Glenross'). They seem to be at an utter loss as to why they are in the position they are in regarding their love lives, desiring of something that slides through their fingers in the way that dreams slip through our memories, leaving only a residue of its presence. I think that it says a bit about the overall situation when someone with a record of fecklessness(me) when it comes to love is hesitant and instincts are calling for caution in that area of his life.
Not that my caution is due to the climate that I have found here because admittedly, caution has been the overriding concern in building my life and future. Sure, I could have approached someone and I am aggressive enough to 'get at' someone, but what would be my motivation? Unlike true scientific trials, this is for real a one-take shot and I can't expose myself to risk in the chase for something with all the uncertainty of being in a relationship.
WHERE DID THE LOVE GO? (no, seriously.??)
For many people when they talk about a 'drought' and the conversation includes relationships, they are talking about the span between getting laid! With me, I don't measure my droughts by bumpin' uglies with someone. But I do use 'feeling loved' as a measurement and that is included with 'intimacy' more than having sex is.
That is what I hear when Hamilton Leithauser crooning, "Oh hazy, lazy days... I could dream of you forever...", and you just know that he is talking about someone who I like to call, "that totally wonderful person who completely ignores you...". I have consider that the small sampling I have taken is not reflective on the larger population of women here in town, but it isn't like the behavior is exclusive, anyway (ooh, spelled it right again... dag, must be slippin'!), as I have grown up and older, I am wondering if passion has seeped out of many of my female contemporaries.
See, sex is like scoring a lot of point in basketball. As Charles Barkley once said, "Any knuckle head can score! But it takes passion to rebound!" I have had that belief close to me in my 'career', and I think I have mentioned how little I value my own orgasm (after all, that is something that guys don't have to be awake for... so it isn't like you have rung the bell with a hammer on the boardwalk, ladies!!) and how much of my enjoyment is in the sharing of pleasure between me and my partner. Though I think Ham is singing of someone he has 'lost' in a more permanent sense, I too, feel that I have lost that person I could dream of forever... and again... and yet, again.
Maybe I am not going to get any more chances to find that kind of love in my life. The lyrics, "Throw off your worries and be at peace..." I guess I could do that but geez, what is my motivation? I mean, sure, I think that love is worth it but it reminds me of when good leadership can't gain traction... because unless you can get anyone to follow you, then you are just out there alone on a long walk. For the last decade, I have experienced first hand what it is like to not have the kind of affections that I must have taken for granted, since it has not been a part of my life for so long. And, ladies and gentleman, THAT is my motivation. Between being aware and of open mind, I desire affection and endearments like gentle caresses and holding hands. I want to feel someone lean their head on my shoulder watching a movie on the couch or won't feel uncomfortable if I drape my arm around their shoulder at the cinema. I'd like to laugh and skip in the spring along one of the paths downtown or play in the snow when it comes...
If those kinds of things and their ilk are immature to expect, well, f*ck that! If I have to accept that I 'think too much' and need to chill, then I won't relent on the small things that I believe is the glue in good relationships. I think it shows how much you 'like' someone as well as 'love' someone... because you can still love someone and be miserable but I don't think you can if you like whoever it is you love.
"SO DO I SIT ALONE AND WONDER WHY?"
No... and even though I '... could be under the shade of a juniper tree...' I wouldn't sing a sad song because I can't sing..! Seriously, if I have blown all my shots, then like Marv Levy spoke to in Sports Illustrated, I am happy with how things have been, are and seem to be going, single. But if you ask if I could be happier if I had someone special in my life (and who know, I may have someone but don't know it yet!), then sure, I could be happier!
But jeez o'pete, I am really happy now..!