BUT FIRST, IT WAS NOT A ‘BIRTHDAY BREAK’
One of the first things that has to be… HAS TO BE understood about my relationship with the CELEBRATION of my birthday is that I don’t do ANY of the things that folks normally associate celebrating their birthday. I don’t feel like a curmudgeonly kind of cat because I don’t want to make a fuss over my birthday. It isn’t anything ‘new’ as it has been something that is just one of the personal kinks that I have.
That said, I replied to all the Face Book messages and I am going to thank everyone for their birthday wishes. The good thoughts were very much appreciated.
THE BLOG CHALLENGE THINGY OF THE DAY (for me, at least!)
• dress, walk, and act like you know you’re all that.
And my question in response to admonition would be, “And what gave you the idea that I don’t, anyway?” No, really… what evidence would anyone have that I don’t feel that way EVERY SINGLE DAY? Even on my grungie, funk-doobiest, smelly days where I look and even feel like I crawled BEHIND Andy Dufresne to freedom, I feel good about myself. Sure, I am a harsh critique of myself but that is because I expect the most out of me. Not, ‘what’s okay’ or ‘passing’ or even ‘excellent’ but the best out of me.
In a Men’s Health article (and there is more good stuff to come from this particular issue) there is a discussion about how in competition that doing one’s best does not always result in victory or even if it does, the ‘victory’ does not represent a record of any kind. As long as someone remains ‘competitive’, to an achievement, another person, then there is always going to be a critique about a performance. Perfection is never attained, at best, you can only grasp it like a snowflake as it almost instantly melts in the palm of your hand on a crisp, idyllic winter’s evening.
(I don’t think I will EVER tire of this speech!!)
One of the things that drive me is the sort of ‘perfect’ talked about in this scene. First, the definition isn’t about the idea of perfection… because perfection simply doesn’t exist and it never did, period. Perfection is what you make of it and that is where the unflattering comments that I make come from, not from some hidden insecurity, it is just that I want to ‘live in that moment’ and have them occur more frequently.
WINNERS DO WHAT LOSERS DON’T
My study partner for my Info Systems class is a retired E-8, 26 years in olive drab. She has led quite a life, is a foster parent and minister in her church! We were brought together because we both qualified for the test-out option of the class and decided to collab together. In our introductions and ‘bio-blast’, the first thing I told her was that I am agnostic!! Still, if she wanted to work with me, she can and I won’t be offended should she discuss her faith with me, in fact, I would WELCOME it. And it was for a moment that I was ‘perfect’, according to my subjective criteria and I do feel that I would score in the upper percentile in any objective scale.
People ‘talk’ about being up front but how many ARE? I mean, for real, I am not going to mislead anyone, certainly not intentionally. It isn’t in my character and I will almost always struggle with that. But the question I ask myself is, can I be ‘perfect’ and how many more of those ‘perfect moments’ can I put together to make myself in to a better person.
No, I don’t lack for self-esteem but if I am being or have done some f*cked up sh*t in my life, I claim that, too. I like to tell people who think I am ‘such a nice guy’ that I am capable of some sh*tty things but I am doing what I gotta to not be that way. That is where the competitiveness comes into play, because I am striving and thinking of all the ways I take ‘better’ and make it ‘good’, and then take ‘good’ and make it ‘better’.
As to the ‘moment of clarity’ that I had at the start of my angsty teen years with my Aunt..? It was not, “boo-hoo, I wonder why no one likes me” that engendered our conversation, but “hey, I am a hell of a kid, what is WRONG with everyone else?” So when I think back to those times, I know cognitively that people did not like or weren’t fond of me… but like Terrell Owens, ‘I love me some me!’ And no matter where I am going in my blog, where I end up is smiling at the gorgeous cat in the mirror!