Tuesday, May 17, 2011

CURRENT ME FIRST


Did the retest on the section of the assessment exam this week and knocked it out of the park. I have to say that I actually expected to do well, not that the exam was that easy or anything but it is something about my condition that I noticed at the very start… I can not only still learn things but I still can access much of the empirical knowledge that I had amassed prior to being diagnosed with my brain injury. In fact, I used to think that MD had a problem with my being ‘smarter’ than she was. Her jealousy would manifest itself in little ways but was evident when it came to helping lil’ Mook with her homework. Do not get me wrong, lil’ Mook is a smart girl and I am sure she is still doing well. But both her English and Composition, along with her math grades were bolstered by my tutoring and her Mom did not have a good enough handle on the work to explain the lesson to her.

Anywho, one of the reasons that I have so much confidence in my ability to go to school and come up with ‘something’ (cause I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up… that is a topic worthy of a post of its own) is that when it comes to hard data, facts, problems that have theoretical proofs that lead to an answer, I can manage that. Relationships are not governed by hard data, and while it may seem that there is some subjectivity to how I live and love, I don’t see it that way.


In fact I think the word ‘theory’ is vastly underrated. Either that or the word is grossly misunderstood by laypeople. Like reality, a theory is what one is left with once every other possibility has been eliminated. The reason that there is an amount of doubt when someone uses the word ‘theory’ is that at any given time, some random event can occur in nature without an apparent cause. So the theory expresses the possibility that something else can be the answer, that some other set of circumstance can determine the same result. That is one of the differences between a theoretical belief and other systems that claim to be certain even in the face of questioning that the system cannot satisfy. But that is getting too far off track for this post… to explore that tangent further would ruin the symmetry that is in my mind right now.




...AND THERE ARE MORE STORMS A-COMING


The first week of the month I had a near-disastrous incident that shook me up and Sunday I had a similar but a slightly less-consequential mishap befall me… what is a brother gonna do? The money that it will take to replace what I have lost is money that I don’t have and worse than that, the information it contained is going to be difficult, if not impossible for me to replace.

So I have been shaken badly by what went down. That is the ‘ugly’ of things. The ‘bad’ is that Nebraska and I have fallen out (but she did text me when her oldest daughter received her BS so we will see…) yet again. But the good is that I finally Skye has accepted my request to show her as my daughter on Face Book. This is what she looks like:






(she still reminds me more of her Mother than she
does me!!)


Who knows..? Maybe she will give me a call… oops! That’s won’t happen anytime soon, as I have to come up with a phone. And I will have to get a new number, too. Dag!!


I have never been able to verbalize whatever ‘it’ is that I am going through because I am constantly in the process of going through ‘it’. After all, what else can I tell myself other than I will get through whatever is before me? Even if what I am doing to myself by trying to live on my own is madness, it is a necessary madness.

One day, soon, I will find a way out of this mess.

12 comments:

Indigo said...

Skye is a beautiful girl!

Here's to hoping, things look up for you soon sweet friend. I know somedays seem worse than others. Trust me "I know". I've got a few things tripping me up and July is set to be one unholy month. Each of us will get through our 'stuff' and come out better in the end. I have to believe that. (Hugs)Indigo

Beth said...

Glad to hear you're hanging in there. I was just thinking about you.

Skye is lovely! I don't know what her mother looks like, but I definitely see a resemblance to you!

That corgi :) said...

Glad you did well on the assessment exam, Mark, and you took the chance to retake it. So sorry it has been a rough few weeks with things, I hope it gets sorted out so very soon. Skye is very beautiful! I hope one day you guys can have a good relationship!

betty

mrs. miss alaineus said...

your daughter is gorgeous! i wish there was something else we could send you besides our vote of confidence. know we are thinking of you in the d and wishing good things to come your way with your schooling. you will make it happen, mark. that's who you are and what you do.

xxalainaxx

Toon said...

Congrats on the test!
& your daughter is a babe!

FrankandMary said...

No testing needed for that one
;o. She is beautiful and looks quite a bit like you...but decidedly more feminine ;).~Mary

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

Glad you fixed the assessment results by scoring. Sorry about you lost phone, hope you can get a replacement soon. Glad Skye is making baby steps back to you. Hugs.

Daniel said...

You truly have a wonderful daughter, something to be proud over.

Love
Daniel

Jonthy, Alice the uppity white cat's babysitter said...

Mark, Skye looks like you. I'm not kidding. At least from the pictures you have posted of yourself. What a beautiful girl.

Glad to hear you aced the test but sorry to hear you are having some difficulties. I know what you mean about "what to do when I grow up." I have a bachelor's and a master's degree in English and taught for a few years in college but I don't think anyone ever gets over the feeling of what to do.

In the economy we live in today, we are lucky to have a job we enjoy. There are not many of them out there.

indie.electronic.alternative. said...

congrats on the test! glad you liked the song!

Lovebabz said...

You have all that you need for this part of your journey. It may feel like you don't, but when you count out your blessing it is clear.

You have not lost all your belongings in the storms. Your children are not homeless or hungry, or missing. You are not homeless or hungry. You have passed an assessment test that opens the doors to high academic pursuits.

You have a beautiful daughter who has said yes to you posting her picture for the world to see.

Keep the faith. Find a church, become a part of a community. I am praying for you ;)

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Sorry to hear you are in a mess. Me too.

Skye is lovely.

Much love to you,

SB