Monday, April 11, 2011



I really enjoyed watching the Detroit Red Wings beat the Chicago Blackhawks Sunday afternoon. Sorry to my Northern Indiana – Chicago land readers… if it is any condolence, I often wear a Blackhawk jersey I got when I was in high school! So it isn’t that I hate them as much as I am rooting for the home team! The Bulls, however, is another matter entirely. I haven’t like them since the days of Norm Van Lier!!


There are a whole bunch of reasons why there aren’t as many so-called marriagble men available for women who desire a partner for marriage. One issue that I don’t think gets the attention it should, is the need for a new paradigm for relationships. This was something I saw coming as a teenager and it was something that I believed in so strongly that I staked my approach to women on it. Had I really refined my thinking … eh, whatever, no need to go there about that, would rather use my ‘inside voice’ for that conversation.

At the heart of my philosophy are several key components… stay out of jail, don’t hit or abuse anybody, and most important, come home. By avoiding jail alone, I figured that my ‘draft stock’ would rise. The second piece about making sure that I was not violent with women was developed because growing up there seemed to be a pernicious belief that violence is a ‘necessary evil’ in a relationship. Finally, ‘coming home’ meant that there would be no after-hours ‘creepin’ being done.  No need for anyone to feel threatened by their imagination or rumour.

I figured that sticking to these mainstays would at least allow me to remain eligible to be drafted by a woman who was sincere in her desire to have a life partner and be a co-pilot in a relationship. That is how I dealt with what could have been a frustrating and embittering adolescence, taking the insults that were hurled and simply ‘getting over it’ when it came to coping with the verbal denigration. It wasn’t easy and there are a bunch of other men for whom it wasn’t easy for. While there is a rebranding of nerds and geeks, the truth is that when it comes to being included in the mainstream, it only matters if someone from that class of people are willing ‘to help with homework and science projects’, or in other words, were of any use in the plans of more ‘in’ people.

These are the men who may have once had potential to be a partner or whatever but who have simply not been accounted for in the shortage. The most well-known person I can think who would exemplify this ‘M.I.A Man’ is the late Harvey Pekar, whose relationship with Joyce Brabner was one where divine coincidence brought two broken people together and they made themselves into couple that operated a functioning relationship.

In the video I posted of Jane McGonigal talking about how the gaming culture can change the world, she made the case for how you can incentivize social policy to draw more talented and willing people into civic works. But the same cannot be said of drawing this mostly male population back into the pool of ‘draft eligible’ men for dating or marriage. What has driven them away from interaction with women is linked to a lack of a reason to expose their self-esteem to further ridicule.

Anyone who has worn the ‘I’m not good at life’ face, equally as recognizable as the look of an ‘epic win’, can imagine what a lot of this M.I.A men faced when approaching women. I am not that unfamiliar with the look and the soul-crushing emotional accompaniment that comes with being ‘pants’ in front of someone. It isn’t long before this shunting, which began as boys, pushes them to edges socially and the only places they feel comfortable with others. The feeling that there is something ‘off’ with a guy builds up over time until finally… other than with guys who are like him, shunned and forgotten by the people who to him, account for the social elite, they make the decision to drop out and retreat to the fringe. And this is where they remain, never again to re-enter willingly into the pool.


I don’t know about you but I am having fun doing this. Maybe this will become a book … I know this is ‘fun’ for me and very therapeutic for a me as well!  But the words are starting to run and I think I may have 'said too much... oh, I haven't said enough'!!  There is a little more to come but before I go, is anyone else as surprised by the Target commercial using the B52's song, '53 Miles West Of Venus' as I am..?


Jonthy, Alice the uppity white cat's babysitter said...

Mark, I haven't heard the B-52's Target spot yet but I do love the B-52's (probably because they are around my age.)

Keep on writing!

Toon said...

I used to dig Target commercials for their funkiness, but I once the CEO began making donations to right wing anti-gay nutjobs, I vowed never to set foot in one of their stores again.

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't want to go back to the way things were in the Old Days- there were a lot more negatives than positives- but there was probably a certain comfort in well-defined gender roles.

DB said...

Which may explain why I tried out women like a man at a salad bar and why I am content to be alone and define myself, while dropping the humiliations back into the laps of the humilators. It's very pleasant by the pool.


Anonymous said...

All I kept thinking while reading this is: Jude Law is kinda hot.

Have Myelin? said...

It is hard to have so much to say and be limited to a tiny white box. LOL.

I can't imagine insults in a relationship. I would walk out. By the same token I wouldn't hurl them out either. I expected to be treated like a lady but I also expect to treat my guy like a man. Does that make me old-fashioned? Maybe so.

Oh, and I very strongly believe the gaming culture changes family dynamics. The more the family "games", the more they change.

Jude Law...hmmm...seems like he was one of my daughter's crushes but I am one of those peeps that rarely crushes on celebrities. =p

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I love the B-52's. I haven't seen that commercial yet.



Malagutigrrl said...

sorry about been bottle and egg.
And thankful that off all the "millions" of news channels there is only one FOX.


Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

There are endless books to be written about relationships, and they are all best sellers.

mac said...

I gave it a shot.
I found a partner. I didn't stay out, I was faithful, never violent.

But, after over a decade of being belittled by her, I did stray. I found that not everyone thinks I am a loser like "she" did.

I still didn't get violent. I can't, I can see my mother beating the crap out of me if I ever got violent with a woman. All 73 of her years would be whipping my butt. Violence is not an option.