SOME OF THE THINGS THAT I THINK THAT I AM THINKING ABOUT

...AND THESE ARE A FEW OF THOSE 'THINGS'

Among the different things that I ‘think that I think about’ is the idea that I have a secret self-loathing of my ethnicity. That, along with the sex stupidity (because asking a brother post-coitus if he is or isn’t seems a lil bit late… but that is me)



Now, I was going to go in another way with my ethnically-coloured (see what I did there? I am soo clever!)musings as a relief from the stupidity of the political situation (globally, nationally, AND locally… jeez Louise!) that has made it difficult to watch or read the news. I had always wondered if there would be another time of a great shift in societal powers and I do think that the time is now. For a short period of time here in America there was a major shift of power from the elite classes to the people. But I would speculate that was due to the relative newness of our country and it took a bit of time for the real power elite to act on disassembling the laws and assimilating the ‘will of the masses’ into the confusing mush that it is now. In fact, the design of the government is such that there can never be a sweeping change that completely changes the direction of the country.


The so-called ‘revolutions’ are revolutions in name only. True power never complete cedes it place and the saying ‘power corrupts’ is definitely applicable. Once someone is in a role that bestows a status or an influence that gives him the rights over others, it is not long before he abuses those rights and becomes like those who were overthrown. That is the corruption part of the power deal and it is something that is seen in relationships between people no matter what name is given to what may be between them. Anywho, that made me think a little more seriously about how a story that I heard on my public radio station, WUOM (WTF, people… how STUPID can you be..? It is a fail that starts at the top and I place the blame squarely on Vivian Schiller for the current mess… the leader creates the atmosphere that everyone breathes and she obviously created a toxic one at her post) Saturday.


There is a recent study done at Michigan State University that suggestes there is a link between happiness and a person’s identification with their race. In their study using a sample of black people, it was found that a correlation between how ‘black’ (my word) they were with their happiness and I also would infer their self-esteem. The studies overall findings did not impress me at all. I don’t know of any creature that doesn’t ‘identify strongly’ to the group that they belong to. Since Nazism is making the rounds in the public bazaars, that was a socio-political system that was all about ethnic pride. Big whoop, people of the same group feel pride in that association and it makes them feel better.


What did catch my eye was the mention that there was a higher percentage of black women who identified strongly with their ‘inner soul sister’ that felt a higher degree of contentment than black men. When I saw that, I swear I had a ‘Eureka’ moment.


I know I do a bit of kvetching about not fitting in growing up and being bullied. But my biggest bullies weren’t boys who were trying to take my sneakers from me or trying to make a name for themselves as tough yobbo by hasslin’ me. Because while there was a share of that, fuckin’ with me always came with the caveat that out of all the nerds, punks and sissies (yup, the latter was a name I heard up into my early 30’s, believe it or don’t…) that I was going to fight … and maybe it would be to the death.


Though I don’t mean to digress, this is another thing about me that while I don’t hide, is not really understood. One of the reasons that I so dig this old Combichrist song is because whenever someone screws with me, I am going to get them back, straight away, without prejudice. When I would talk about meeting Nebraska the first time in Chicago and nearly pounding the stars out of some kid, what I think stunned her was how swiftly the mood in me shifted. For me to go from ‘would you like a spot of tea’ to putting a person in need of rectal surgery, is something that happens with a change of gears with a subtleness rivaling change erosion patterns… once you see it, it is sudden even though it has been happening all the time. Maybe I have to wait for my opportunity but once you are on ‘that list’, there are only two ways for you to be removed. One is that the opportunity for a reductive conversation between me and the other party never occurs. That happened when I ran into ‘the worst person in the world’ before I’d ship out of Detroit.


The other, which is as unlikely as my letting an opportunity pass to speak to someone that I hold in account, is that I simply let it go as an act of benefice. And it doesn’t matter to me if I have crystal clear recollection of a matter, as long as I am left with the emotion scarring from what went down, I know that SOMETHING happened when we crossed paths and I have this mark left from it. But I forgive you. What never changes is the ‘now leave me like I am leaving you… the hell alone’. When I think back, I never thought that was atypical behavior in for a boy, a person, much less an American. ‘Remember the Maine’ and all that… anywho..


STILL WITH ME?


Dealing with the physical side of things was not that big of an issue and when I finally got to high school it would disappear. Maturity and the obviousness the risk involved with hassling me took care of that. Boys and men can respect that. Who would become my biggest nemesis were the girls that I went to school with. They would grow up to be the young women I went to college with and who would be part of ‘the field’ when it came to the possibilities of my finding a partner. That is what help make the ‘run and shoot’ era of my life so much fun. Though I had to change my outlook if I was going to be another person’s someone (who is that someone), it was a ride that I am glad that I took.


One someone asked if I was trying to exact a retribution for whatever I thought went down when I was younger. Eh, that was bullsh*t, because if I really had that kind of sociopathy in me, would I have ever stopped? Whatever, I started to see things differently and developed a program that I would follow in hopes that I would be able to not only attract a partner but more important be a better partner for someone.


I have had a love affair with eliminating uncertainties in my life. It was what motivated me as a child to study and as I grew older, to train as hard as I did as a boxer and a soldier. I was that cat you could pencil in at work as a solid, be-there, extra effort kind of guy, someone that people could depend on. I then would translate those qualities in my relationship and would shape my expectations according to what I felt I brought to the table (and for the record, no, this was not something that I did prior to meeting Nixxie and Pecan Sandie, though those relationships did advance the idea that I needed to do something different further). It was in this time of reflection that I realized how malformed not only was my relationship was with women, but what I believe is a problem with relationships between men and women, particularly between the sisters and the brothers.

AND SINCE THIS IS OVERTIME


I will have to finish this chat up later. That is a promise because it has a real world application for me and I want to see if I can get any feedback.