This post is partially inspired by Hipstercrite. She wrote a post about songs that would provide a break from the usually insipid tweet and status updates on both Twitter and Face Book. Though she was inspired by an article which was full of the crappiest songs that only a drunken, failed-to-launch, mid-twenties frat wanna-be would take anything profound from or identify with. I thought that her songs were songs that would say more about any person who quoted them for either of the social websites. I know that I am prone to put up lyrics from a song that holds meaning for me up as a status update. Occasionally, I post them for fun, but sometimes they do reflect a precise mood and it leaves me with the feeling that life is constantly remarking that …
THIS IS A LONG DRIVE FOR SOMEONE WITH NOTHING TO THINK ABOUT
Today’s title is a nod to the latest film starring Matt Damon, ‘The Adjustment Bureau’. How many of us have had the notion that there is somewhere in the world, a shadowy group who really influences the chaos in our lives for their own purposes? The title is also a reference to the shade that I noticed following me in my childhood, a personification of the objective fates that hold provenance over life.
Life can be a lot of things. Sometimes, life is cruel and at others, it can be filled with bliss. Overall, I think that life is what you make it (don’t you fake it) and I have always done what I could to frame different events and interactions in the light that revealed them best to me. For me, I looked at my life primarily framed by three comic book characters, Adam Warlock, the Silver Surfer, and the Mighty Thor (good or not, I will be seeing that movie opening day!). I think that their storylines were perpendicular to the storylines were running through my life at the time. All three were subjected to powers far greater than theirs that directed the fates of their lives.
There was only one time I tried to explain the symbolism represented by these three characters and my understanding to the life I was living. It was in a discussion with my then-wife about how she felt that people in her life secretly met in a basement and conspired to make her life miserable. She included her beloved Grandmother, her Mom (with whom she was estranged from at the time of our marriage... don't know what they are now), and the ‘Mica’ girls who went to my high school who used to look down at her on the bus as she made her way home. She also had a host of contradictory insecurities that set off alerts but I did not have the experience to know what they meant or how they would negatively affect our relationship. What did happen is that I would verify my own conspiracy that I feel surrounds my life.
Yup, yet another comic book reference (hey, like ‘Hooked on Phonics’, it works [somewhat] for me) but one for whom I have a paradigm for. To be an ‘in-betweener’, you have to be able to slide almost unnoticed between cliques, sort of an illusion or a rumor of a presence so that you neither draw attention or feel as if you are risking any danger to be in the world. That is how I would summarize my social life prior to being in the service. It would be the first time that I stood out, or at least that is how it seemed to me, as I no longer had to put up with the out-of-hand dismissals that I did in high school.
That is what contributed to my varied approaches with women… the cruelty and insensitivity of girls and young women. Just like the blemishes from scabbing that did not begin to appear on my (still beautiful enough to be complimented on, thank you very much!!) legs until after I turned 30, there are some scars that don’t fade away and have to be lived with. That is why I thought that maybe since I was truly stuck in my past (unlike the pseudo-literary gossamer past I live in here on my journal) that maybe I can go back a few steps in order to launch myself forward.
See, I figure that since I am not particularly taken by younger women (never wanted to be the ‘old man in the club’), that ‘age appropriate’ females would catch my eye. For example, Nebraska looks as good as she did in the one picture that I had of her and the SFC also scores off the charts even compared to how she looked as a teenager. But I did not only want to go back in hopes of Tee Jay would give me a chance. I wanted to already have a history with ‘the old new what’s happenin’’ because I so dread having to do that ‘in-between’ thing… and for what? Not that I want to continue with maintaining the delicate balance of appearances. I will need a lot more motivation to than the promise of unfulfilling and ugly sex to get to know someone. I want to have my somewhat obtuse perspective held in the admiration that their ideas are regarded. And that is no matter how disagreeable and stupid they may be.
With the intense droughts that I have endured over the past FIVE YEARS, I haven’t gotten meaner without sex. That is what makes motivation sooo important. Because if there is no ‘why’, who gives a crap about ‘why’, ya’ feel me?