I love the view from my apartment window.
It was sheer luck of the draw that I find myself facing the west, front side of my building. The park is gorgeous in the sun, dappled with snow and the bare branches of the trees reaching for the sky. In a few more weeks it will be spring and the budding leaves will begin to decorate the branches.
The weekend was a good one on the surface. I received a care package from the SFC on Friday, and Saturday I called Nixxie to wish her a happy birthday and she immediately got into me because it was a day late! I told her that I figured she would be out celebrating and I did not want to buzz her cell phone in the middle of something. She told me that she thought I didn’t call because it was LEXXIE’S birthday as well, but that hadn’t stopped me from either calling her or sending her a card before. We had a nice chat and talked about our daughter, KT., and made general good conversation.
Did not reach Lexxie to confirm that she received her card and gift, and the message I left has not been returned. Par for the course and I wasn’t bothered by that at all. Sunday was the anniversary of my fail at marriage initialization, and I wasn’t moved by that, as much as it was an ingredient to the stew that if it was not a part of the recipe would not hurt the taste of the dish, so that was that with that.
Tried to go to the gym and work out in the late night hours Monday night. There were two reasons I did that. First, associated to the purpose of being a member of having 24-hr access to a fitness center is the convenience of using it at anytime. The second reason is that I don’t want to become a recluse and holed up in here afraid to go out when the sun goes down. Stuff be poppin’ in the big O, but c’mon, I walked some hoary streets before in the Motor, not to mention the Atl and the D.C. Metroplex, among others. The workout I had was for shite, and discouraged me somewhat. Yet it was a ‘win’ because I did get outside late at night and overcame the apprehensions that keep me from going out at times. But it did get me to thinking about the price I have to pay for being in the right place at the wrong time the first week of January.
Since all that people can notice at a glance (unless you are a ‘club member’, that I find eerily in its uncanniness ) is that I may walk a little stiffly there is a tendency to forget that I have a disability. Every then and now I may drop a $50 word in a conversation where $5 and $1 bills are being spent, or I may prattle on in a comment (which used to be the comment of the day for me) as if I know what I am talking about, but let’s get things right—I have serious issues with my brain and that is a big time thing. All the hope for me and speculation about what lies ahead also be tempered with a nearly equal dose of reality.
You know how people get involved with the same kind of people and execute a fail that not only resembles the fail immediately preceding the latest example? What the hell is up with that??
My move here is less about what I left behind me than it is what I believe is still ahead for me. And in spite of some very dark clouds obscuring nearly all but the brightest stars, I am doing the things I need to do, seeing the people I need to see, who I can trust to objectively support me as well as they can. I have more trust in that and not in the mecurial emotions that are a part of building trust in a personal relationship.
BEING THE CAPTAIN OF MY SHIP MEANS THAT I AM THE SHIP'S CAPTAIN
… or if it looks like a duck sitting on the water, doesn’t mean it isn’t doing anything.
When Katrina struck, that is when I really opened my eyes to why the agencies that were providing relief to the area preferred cash contributions as opposed to sending material and making tangible donations that really were the thing that were subjective. Not so much as what was needed but what people think that was needed WASN’T what was needed ended up being wasted in the gulf area. Making the gestations as to ‘why’ people feel they know better than those who are right there in the midst of things is a waste of time. I feel likewise when it comes to my life, past, present and future.
In the past I have been undermined and unsupported by people who were able to alter my fundamental perception on how relationships work. And that is that with that. Unlike in this virtual world, the chances that I am going to able to be able to come in from the cold and fit right in and without school, work, or recreational activities to build relationship from is unlikely. And for me, being alone is NOT being lonely.
When I lived in the Palmer Park area of Detroit and I would come home from work, I would breathe in deeply and try to absorb the peacefulness of my solitude. I miss that more than anything. It had the sound of possibility and of what life could yet hold for me… and it was in this quiet that I met Nebraska on-line. Now that I am here… what I had thought could be and the things that I may have hoped for… I don’t know, but those things are changing and evolving almost by the day.
Relying on myself to find and make myself happy… I have a quote that I think I lifted from Christina, who is a rea life warrior. The quote:
Happiness is not a place; you cannot set your sails in a set direction and expect to find her there. No happiness is a way of life, a way of looking past the harsh circumstances surrounding our lives and still finding a reason to smile.
And from here I will begin to talk about approaches and why I decided that I was going to subtract from my noble pursuit the concept of being a in a relationship with someone ‘new’ and made the choice to find love in someone that I already know.