Friday, December 3, 2010

Not-so Random Thoughts

Julia whose blog, ‘Highway To A Husband’, which is a tale of her journeys as she goes out  riding across the country with her good friend Silva in tow and ‘tries’ to find herself a suitable partner. She talks about her encounters along the way and the different kind of men, the different kinds of PEOPLE she meets. Her partner Silva is a home girl from the Metro, and they are a blast to follow.

To me it is very interesting to watch a person stretch their boundaries as she is doing. You have to leave behind a lot of convention to be able to fully embrace and appreciate the different people across the great land of ours. And you have to be quite the American optimist to think that you can find your love on a cross country journey.

I don’t want to either compare or sprinkle salt on her by drawing connections to my road to Nebraska. I don’t think that they are similar at all. But the wanderlust that lives in me (and has been re-animated by my move) sees the appeal to her travels to a cat like me. I have never regretted that I have bounced across the waters, leaping from stone to stone as go from one side to the other.

In a few of the comments that I left on her blog, I did include references to my then-relocation plan to Omaha and the possibly of what could happen between me and Nebraska. She takes the time to respond to comments and though I am terrible about checking back to see if a blogger has chosen to reply to me, I do ‘excavate’ (and certain folks  should know what I mean by that) in journals and this is how it came to my attention that she was interested in my little story, at least as much of it that pertains to Nebraska and me.

It has been on my mind how to approach this subject since I am purporting this to be a real actual journal, along the lines of the one you’d keep in high school. Y’all know what I am talking about; full of bad prose, terrible punctuation and the worst allegories, metaphors and symbolism this side of Stephanie Meyers novel. That is something I make no bones about with my journal. There are times it can be a mess and that is all right, because it means that my THOUGHTS can be straightened out and then are inputted more easily and are more accessible to me.

Anywho, that is to explain some of the confusions, illogic and inexplicably in here. Oh, not to mention my disability… everyone here knows that I suffer from chronic traumatic brain injury, post-concussion syndrome, pugilistica dementia and all sorts of malfunction associated to the operation of the human body. I may not look it, but there are problems that also manifest themselves physically. But instead of cataloguing them, when they crop up, such as when vertigo asserts itself in my day, I may mention it, but because so much of it is in ‘micro’ status, I don’t often speak about them.

For instance I have spent a frustrating morning talking with the FOC of Wayne County Michigan and the Social Security Administration. This was on top of a frustrating morning dealing with HHS Nebraska. Thing will get straightened out because they have to and I have no other choice but to make them happen. Were I to tell of why it was frustrating for me would do no justice to how much my injury complicated the conversations. So, as I do when things ‘happen’ and I need to function, I dig in, and push back harder.

Brief aside: ‘Digging in’ is not an advisable strategy because many people dig in so deep that they are in a hole and surround by what they have ‘dug themselves into’. For me, to ‘dig in’ evokes the images of making a trench and awaiting the enemy or planting your feet to trade punches. It is okay to dig in as long as it means you will respond directly. Digging in just because times are hard make many people completely lose sight of their objective. It is okay if it is obscured. As long as you catch sight of it and know it is there you will move forward to reach it momentarily.

Instead of letting myself be overwhelmed, I am digging in and firing back. This is where you guys come in. It is not something that I know that I take for granted, knowing that there are people who wish me well and prolly would even help me if I was local to them. I sense the concern in comments and in your material help all of which adds up to a spiritual boost that powers me whenever I find myself in the dimly lit areas of life.


Because I had been with people who personified the desires of my heart, I figured that maybe a relationship was not my thing. I had experienced and observed how much people were able to accomplish on their own and without having a personal relationship with another person getting in the way of things. Having ‘received’ what I had asked for in someone else and still finding a way to fail the relationship, I thought maybe I will do what I call ‘pigeon hunt’ and keep things with people in general, women in particular, of a surface level. Getting close to people was not working out for me… so I was not going to be in pursuit of a partner. Yet…

… I did leave a opening for one and in order for ME to fill it, I came to Omaha. Now I have a ‘vibe’ and aura thing real strong. As far as I know, it has been around me as long as I can remember. Sometimes, something PULLS at me and when I let it take me wherever it is going, I find myself where I need to be. That is how I feel about Omaha right now, even with my current difficulties. I am in the place and this is the time for me to be where I am right now.

I never take advice from someone who knowingly sits on the sidelines in their own life. ~ Jessi Jordan

This quote which I snagged from Curvy Girl’s journal (and if there is one thing about me that should be well-known, is that I love curvy girls!!) is one that immediately set my head to nodding. I have left no doubt to whether or not I am someone who is keeping a spot on the bench of life warm or if I am out there in the game. And here is where Julia’s ‘highway’ and my own crosses and cloverleaf, taking us on our separate ways.

Because I have already done as much exploring and experience in relationship as should be allowed without a not from a parent, after Tee Jay I was ready to stop and ‘hunt pigeons’ if that was what it called for. Being pretty much as close to celibate for the last three years and not having had my tallywhacker fall off has convinced me that I can do this.

Now, as I have blown past my word count, will anyone care to guess at what ‘this’ is? Oh, and I promise, the next entry will be about Nebraska and the entire concept behind my being in Omaha.


FrankandMary said...

Sometimes I dig in & push back harder, with some things I've learned to just let go. Delicate balance. ~Mary

Toon said...

I love the word "wanderlust" -- it makes me think a thousand different things.

Beth said...

I understand exactly what you mean by digging in. It's not a defensive's getting your feet set to come out swinging.

Hey...I do believe that was a boxing reference! ;)

Jonthy, Alice the uppity white cat's babysitter said...

Rage, rage against the dying of the night. Oh, and take care of the the "talleywacker!" ;-)

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

There is a difference between burying your head like an Ostrich and digging in like a tarantula. Sounds like you are getting ready to strike.