Friday, December 10, 2010



I don’t think that I completed my thoughts on how things are going for a brother here in the ‘Big O’ and the current status of my relationship with the person who was a homing beacon for me before I cut the story off. After a brief discussion, I was given the go-ahead to say my piece about whatever I choose to, including the feedback I have received from her since my arrival. The skinny on Nebraska is that she is a beautiful woman who can be very thoughtful and sensitive when she chooses. She has bright, pretty daughters and I don’t know what else I would have to say about her… or us.

When it comes to anything else about ‘us’ that I haven’t already said (either directly or indirectly) about our relationship, I am going to adhere to the rule that I talked about in my last entry where unless there is a dramatic change to our relationship I don’t think I will be talking about her in my journal even with her approval. There is a purpose to why I won’t be talking about her or ‘us’ save for the areas I have already outlined previously. What I am going to talk about though, is how Interpol provided the music to which I made the decision to move here.


That is a line that was sung over breaks in the song ‘Length of Love’. When I was in the basement of the townhouse that I shared with Mookie Dee and her daughter ‘lil Mook, I would listen to the ‘Antics’ CD on repeat while I sat in front of the telly playing NCAA Football by EA Sports. Mookie Dee had an annoying habit of sleeping with a fan on, as it provided cover for the other ambient sounds of the night. I used to sleep with the sheets and blanket only covering my feet. That meant the air moving over my body from the oscillating fan and her snoring kept me awake, along with the disquiet that had crept into our relationship. Often, I would either sleep downstairs on the couch or end up staying up the night, napping lightly in the morning after the girls left the house. Listening to the ‘Antics’ CD on repeat, those words caught my attention and hung in my mind, because I had to wonder what was meant by the words ‘combat salacious removal’ and why it was they held a significance to me.

I have had my AOL account for over ten years and I will prolly always keep it as my main account. But I didn’t (and still don’t) ‘appear’ in the buddy list windows because I when I moved in with the Mook’s I didn’t think that I should be chatting on-line with people, particularly women (now it is so I don’t become distracted from whatever it is I am doing). So I blocked everyone until one day I peeked out and saw that Nebraska was still on-line. Now here is where things got interesting. I had put her on my ‘ex-list’ (which she DEFINITELY objected to being put on… but had I not, I would be somewhere else right now) because of what I felt about her and the odds and ends that attracted me to Omaha. The degrees that separate us could be described as thin but that depends on who you ask.

When I left ‘Mookie-ville’, I decided that I would suck it up and make my way to Omaha. There were obstacles for me to overcome and then a ‘wild card’ that was played last year before I finally arrived here in October.

Because most of my exes are not from Michigan, I did allow for what ended up happening, a person from my past to come in from out of the blue. The SFC came in during one of the ‘chill periods’ that Nebraska and I go through, like the one we are going through now and so I went off to NOVA and it was a win – win deal. I was able to connect to a person who meant a great deal to me and still does. More on that, later.

In my mind, the song ‘Length of Love’ served as the ‘theory’ to my going to Omaha and hopefully finding out if Nebraska and I could be a couple. I really did (and it is still reasonable to…) think that if I moved to here that having went to such lengths on the chance that we were kismet that we would eventually grow to be in love with one another. And the emphasis is on the ‘grow to be in love with one another’ part because there was, IS an annoying gulf between us that has to be crossed.


There has always been an ebb and flow to our online relationship. At first, the esoteric of my approach and all the janky (at least to her) coincidences that made Omaha appealing to me were and basing my attraction to her on her self-description was too great a stretch for her to accept my entreaties. There was also the timing … she had other interests when I had no one in my life. When I started up with Mookie Dee, I stop hanging out on-line until things grew uncomfortable for me in ‘the provincial town I was jogging ‘round’. When I mentally disengaged for that relationship I started to come back out and talk to Nebraska again.

I’ve spoken about how I may not be able to remember quotes or be able to place events in a chronological context. What I do remember is how I ‘felt’ and what people made me feel. For instance, I always knew Mookie Dee was steppin’ out on me. She wasn’t sophisticated enough (or maybe she simply didn’t give a f*ck) to fool me but now that I am removed from that environment, she has gone back to the place she comfortably occupied before we ran into one another and started to date again.

The feelings that I had for Nebraska prior to my disengagement from that relationship were for me a mix of hubris and sobering reality. While it may have seem to her that my enthusiasm was over the top, because of all the ‘unknowns’ between us, a lot of that has been sapped. When I came this past summer I had to make sure that my motivations were about what was best for me and not because I am obligated by some hazy vision of make believe.


Toon said...

Sometimes I'm not even aware of my true motivations until way later. But that's just me.

JStar said...

I agree with Toon. If it is meant to be, it will be...In the meantime, just go with the flow

Thomas said...

I've always had trouble with "chronological context" too. I can tell you what stuff happened, but not necessarily in the right order.

I switched to AOL when CompuServe went under, and I'll probably keep it as long as they exist...

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

Just go with the flow, I know you moved there for a number of reasons. You seem happy :o)

Jonthy, Alice the uppity white cat's babysitter said...

I'm thinking about this one Mark.