Wednesday, November 3, 2010


For many who are walking around struggling with life and the questions that they face and are tasked, being resilient is sometimes a curse. Only the people who have managed to scale their trials earn the right to refer to themselves as such, and often, it is done in retrospect. People who are truly resilient are often humble, hard working, and well aware of the delicate balance that they have to strike between pass and fail, between living their lives without their burdens keeping them from dreams and succumbing to their flaws. Many of us have our own Inner and Outer Demons to overcome, and these people are few and far in-between.

Do I think of myself as resilient? At one time I did. Had solid evidence of my resiliency, too, bouncing back from my starter marriage with superficial damage and figuring a way to Carolina, where I would get things going. For a while.

What happened to me that I did not bounce back from my marriage without more than a scratch and those wounds would eventually spiraled out into my making a series of poor choices that were driven by convenience and expediency, not by ‘what’s best’. A lot of people in less than desired relationships or who are going through a profound dissatisfaction in their collaborations with the opposite sex use that word as well, as they drag themselves up from another ‘crash and burn’ romance with whoever and for whatever reason it may have went down; doesn’t really matter because the fail mostly start from the same place.

A reason that I use sports and athletics in general for my go-to metaphors isn’t because I am that big a sports fan. I don’t think that I watch either much more or much less than the next person and I can go weeks without talking about the subject of sports beyond headline depth with anyone; I like to use athletics and competition because it is an accurate mirror for living and how people relate and accomplish their shared goals. For instance, both the Dallas Cowboys and the Detroit Lions are 2-5, but are they the same kind of 2-5? I would say not and for reasons that can be explained in short order and for reasons that the unfamiliar with anything about football, comprehended at it most primary level. That is why I try to avoid things that cause me to ask myself things that may lead me to  'ponder life’s complexities'.


Many times there are certain modifications that need to be made to a basic premise, such as highlighting of ethnic differences that factor between Black Men and Women and why there is not only fail, but a resistance to possible solutions to some of the nearly intractable problems they have, before making a statement on what they may be. Mentioning that there are unique problems that adversely impacts on their getting along seemed to be, at least to me, an appropriate qualifier, just as we reference other people by their background, such as my putting forward the notion that Clarence Thomas intelligence is questionable at the level on which he operates; that while he prolly has worked hard in his lifetime, that his mediocre talents were aided by friends from college, as many of the major players in the administration at the time of his appointment, including the son of a President of the United States attended the same school as he did. Coincidence or serendipitous occurrence, whatever it is to you, I know what I think, that he rose above his competency through his network of associations from Yale.

As far as my ‘qualifications’, I readily admit that mine are not too different from that of most laypeople who talk about relationships, in blogs, kitchen tables, or water coolers. One could say that some of my experiences would disqualify me from speaking on what makes for a good relationship and I can dig it. I look at it this way… I think I know a lot about what NOT to do and that leaves me free to speculate on what I should be doing, making my estimations from there.

In the entry that inspired me to speak about why black men and women endure such contentious relations with one another, I had to play the race card, not as an excuse but to expose it for the crutch which it has become for our people, because without it, the interest ends. ‘Our people’ live with that injury and it is one that healing from has to come from the same place as a solution for loving relationships would come from, which is from within the men and women that are in them.

THAT is immutable. But to continually access the history of slavery and racism today as a reason for the continuation of the fail between brother and sisters is to me, a bail position. Short and simple, there is no two ways about it at all. I think by co-opting the inequity of what brought Blacks to America and to speak from that history, as accounting for the mistreatment of one another in a bond that should be a cocoon and where a needed respite from life’s pressures, is unjustifiable.

What has been left has been suspicious adversaries circling, seeking an advantage, a false movement revealing a weakness, a condition that has existed since the plucking of an apple of a certain tree in the garden. There are problems having more to do with character, on both sides, and in many cases there is none, very nearly none of that present. And this assessment applies to women equally as the men in relationships, pursuing relationships, or none actively participating in seeking a partnership but open and available to one should said relationship appear on their horizons.


I like the show ‘Millionaire Matchmaker’. It is entertainment, light fluff to pass the time. Bad place to get insight on how to meet and engage in a prospective relationship unless you are into the shallow and the egotistical. Agreeing to be a part of the show is a BIG hint to the depth of the people looking for a ‘match’ through Patti.

But stereotypes do us a favor by alerting us to things we may overlook because we are enthralled by things like superficialities as looks, or bad logic like ‘lists’ of requirements for our desired, but not ourselves. We mock the caricatures we see before us on the various reality shows based on relationships, be they looking for the love of minor celebrities or a marriage of people from such a small segment of the human population that their idiosyncratic traits are nearly alien on the surface. To me, typing a person is a general sketch, a first draft in the assessment of what kind of person you are dealing with. We do it with salespeople, home contractors, wait people and co-workers. Even though it is a Mother with three children in her late 20’s taking my order of hotcakes and coffee at Mickey Dee’s, with Gramps serving the hot food, we think of McWorkers as young people in the late teens doing the job. Yes, typing can be wrong… but it is also wrong to ignore it as well.

With my ex-wife, I missed a lot of clear signs. Yes, it would have been expecting her to play to type, which she did. That was stupid of me. One of the lessons that my marriage did provide was for me an example of one-time learning. I never dated anyone who remotely resembled her again.

Women though, as a general rule, will repeatedly make the same mistakes in relationships as they have done before, from whom they choose to hang out with and how they proceed in their interactions. Some make the same mistakes so frequently that each new person in their life, the inevitable end of their connection leads one to think that that only the name and faces has changed. Plotlines and development to the story though, that remains the same.

As for many, many men… it seems that the cry to ‘man up’ is the equivalent to ‘talk to the hand’ or any of the number of ‘Springer-isms’ or words of wisdom uttered on the Maury Povich show (does anyone remember when he was an actual journalist? What could he and Connie Chung ever saw in one another?? I guess like the song says about love… ‘C’esl la vie, you can never tell’!!). ‘Faux News’ worthy platitudes without the weight to keep them from being blown away by a light breeze on a sun kissed day.


I am doing the damn thing… I thought you knew!!

A shout out is in order to the ‘anonymous donor’ who sent me a gift card… I was looking in the store in question just the other day and let me tell you, I know just what I am going to purchase with it! I will walk around the place with my ‘puter and take some snapshots… will take seconds, since the place is small. I nearly became claustrophobic, since I had images of my last apartment in my head… and THIS is not that.

What it is, though, is just right for right now. I am cool.


Toon said...

Being resilient does not mean being made of steel. People confuse the two sometimes and think stuff just rolls painlessly off the backs of the resilient.

LceeL said...

Resiliency is being able to bend and not break - to be able to return to form after enduring tribulation.

YOU are resilient.

You are also intelligent, articulate and I can't help but feel that you've missed your calling. You, Sir, should have been a Teacher. You, Sir, ARE a Teacher.

Annie said...

Millionaire Matchmaker is staggeringly shallow and reflects why 80% (at least) of relationships fail.

Patti reflects our culture's superficiality and lack of insight into red flags, or ultimately taking responsibility for our choices and where that will ineffectively lead us.

When people's criteria are so at odds with values and ethics in common as the common denominator, compared to looks and money as a magnet for interest or attraction you can see why failure is so prevalent.

I have very little emotional resiliency. I often have wondered if it is in my DNA or due to the ongoing emotional abuse of was how I was raised.

I envy people who are resilient, bouncing back quickly is impressive. I can only do it in area where I am logical, like vacations, hotels and restaurants, and the stock market.

But romance? I still cower inside the house rather than go out and try to meet new people in a social setting like a party.

That corgi :) said...

I think resilence means that one keeps plugging on and doesn't give up, keeps searching and looking and not running away from things but running to (or embracing) change or difficulties in their life. I think you are resilent. I think the majority of us are resilient. I think anyone who gets out of bed and faces a new day in this economy, etc is resilent.


Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

If we do not keep keeping on, bouncing back, what else is left?

Jonthy, Alice the uppity white cat's babysitter said...

Mark, I had to send you these: Take care, Jonthy

> The Texas State Police are cracking down on speeders heading into Dallas.
> For the first offense, they give you 2 Dallas Cowboy tickets. If you get
> stopped a second time, they make you use them.
> Q. What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl? A.
> The Dallas Cowboys
> Q. How do you keep a Dallas Cowboy out of your yard? A. Put up a goal post.
> Q. What do you call a Dallas Cowboy with a Super Bowl ring? A. Old
> Q. What's the difference between the Dallas Cowboys and a dollar bill? A.
> You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
> Q. How many Dallas Cowboys does it take to win a Super Bowl? A. Nobody
> remembers.
> Q. What do the Cowboys and a possums have in common? A. Both play dead at
> home and get killed on the road!

laurenne said...

I haven't had time to read blogs this week! Got a job! But it's crazy hours. It's almost 1am and I am still working.
But I just wanted to say hi, and tell you that I'm wondering how you are!

Hope to catch up on everything next week! And send you something!


mrs. miss alaineus said...

re relationships between people (not just men and women, but all people).

they work better when we drop the 'roles' and the 'stereotypes' we hold ourselves and others to and just appreciate ourselves and each other for who we are, not who we want to be seen as, or how we think other people see us.